can't have it all

I get wistful sometimes - or dreamy or desirous or sometimes something less attractive.

 "I wish...."  Or maybe "Wouldn't it be nice if...", or "I wonder why we don't....."

I go along for days doing all the things i need to do.  The D/s is there - sometimes more overtly, a hand placed possessively, a service performed, a whisper in my ear.  Sometimes the only hint is when i finger my collar and recognize the reality way in the back of my mind, then move right back into all the other things i need to do, interactions i take part in, places my mental energy is required.

Sometimes I do think about the what if's.  And sometimes i even wish.  But i'm grown up enough to know you can't have it all:

If the opportunities for play were more frequent and predictable and private, if it weren't so long between times that i feel like it's starting all over again, if i didn't get nervous because i think i might have forgotten how, if my tolerance and ability to follow him didn't get so rusty - think of the fun we could have, think of how far we could explore, think of how much he could let himself go.  But there is something to that pit of nervousness, to looking to him as both tormentor and as security and comfort, to not being jaded, and to it being an exercise in trust and connection each time rather than a game of endurance.

If i had no responsibilities outside of him, if there weren't my work, the kids, our families, community, friends, organizations, and a full life to be engaged in, i could stay focused on him, i could do everything for him, no push and pull, no external upset, i could wait home, naked, with dinner and the newspaper ready, i would be sweet, unperturbed, unruffled, undistracted.  I bet he would like that.  But we both know that what i would actually be is a bored, unfulfilled, crawling-out-of-my-skin, bitch.  For both of us, our family, our connections and engagement with life are essential to who we are.  That other vision, as idyllic as it sounds, is hollow and empty.

If he were very strict, kept me on a short leash, lots of constant control, many rules and rituals, lots of consequences, inspections, spot checks, formality,  etc - which sometimes sounds so good, so structured and dominant, and - well -  hot, really hot.   Wouldn't that be lovely.  But if that were our reality,  i would miss the laughter, the wit, the passion, the melting into each other, the comfort and support of each other, the joy, the pure "us" of it.