"Ow. That really hurts." "But you like pain, right?" So - either i do or i don't - except clearly it's not that simple.
"Do you like that girl?" "Well..." "Yes or No, which is it?" No - i don't "like" it - it's not pleasant or enjoyable, it's difficult even; but i desire it, crave it, need it...
Those sorts of contradictions i seem to be able to hold all at once - and he understand that. He uses them to goad me and sometimes rattle me, but he knows they aren't either/or - they are, against logic, both.
But other things maybe really are either/or - even though in my head the truth of both sides is clear at the same time.
Either it's about him - or it's about me.
(But - he wants to take care of me, he is happier if i'm happier, blah, blah, blah)
Either i want him to be in control - or i want him to do what i want, when i want.
(He needs to know what i want in order to have all the info he needs to be in control, right?
And i'm supposed to ask for what i want, right?)
Either i tell him all of what i think or how i feel and then let the rest up to him, or i have an agenda and expectations.
(Ya know - this one is just hard - we are so practiced at providing the right information the right
way to get towards what we want out of an interaction - it is just so damn difficult to disattach
Hmmm.... in my head those all seemed so complicated, like some riddle with two right but opposite answers. Written out - they seem, well, not so unclear.
What i ran up against this past week was enormous desire - out of the blue i was overwhelmingly and unreasonably needy. I was constantly aroused - but beyond that i wanted to be used, beaten, degraded, conquered. It was a desire in my skin and my bones, not just in my head. I hadn't felt that way in a very long time. I was obsessed and completely certain that this was a need that, if left unmet, would leave me crashed and burning and unable to function. In my mind - it was his responsibility - his only possible course of action - to fix me, to meet this need, to beat me and use me and conquer me.
But he didn't. Partly, circumstances just didn't allow for that, and partly - it just wasn't what he chose to do, at least not how and when i thought he should. I communicated my feelings, my needs, my desires. Then I hinted and probably whined. I had all this need, and it was being left - unmet, unsatisfied, unresolved - i was being left - needing. I swirled around in my emotions and panicked that i would be lost in the storm. But what i couldn't bring myself to do was just come to him with the cane and ask, or present myself to him quietly and openly.
And yet - here i am, functioning, connected, fairly calm, if not a touch chastised and a little bit ashamed. It's interesting: either he meets my needs, or he doesn't. Except - i need to accept that he decides, it's not about me, my expectations aren't the important factor. He does meet my needs, even when it feels for all the world like he isn't.