"Ow. That really hurts." "But you like pain, right?" So - either i do or i don't - except clearly it's not that simple.
"Do you like that girl?" "Well..." "Yes or No, which is it?" No - i don't "like" it - it's not pleasant or enjoyable, it's difficult even; but i desire it, crave it, need it...
Those sorts of contradictions i seem to be able to hold all at once - and he understand that. He uses them to goad me and sometimes rattle me, but he knows they aren't either/or - they are, against logic, both.
But other things maybe really are either/or - even though in my head the truth of both sides is clear at the same time.
Either it's about him - or it's about me.
(But - he wants to take care of me, he is happier if i'm happier, blah, blah, blah)
Either i want him to be in control - or i want him to do what i want, when i want.
(He needs to know what i want in order to have all the info he needs to be in control, right?
And i'm supposed to ask for what i want, right?)
Either i tell him all of what i think or how i feel and then let the rest up to him, or i have an agenda and expectations.
(Ya know - this one is just hard - we are so practiced at providing the right information the right
way to get towards what we want out of an interaction - it is just so damn difficult to disattach
the expectations)
Hmmm.... in my head those all seemed so complicated, like some riddle with two right but opposite answers. Written out - they seem, well, not so unclear.
What i ran up against this past week was enormous desire - out of the blue i was overwhelmingly and unreasonably needy. I was constantly aroused - but beyond that i wanted to be used, beaten, degraded, conquered. It was a desire in my skin and my bones, not just in my head. I hadn't felt that way in a very long time. I was obsessed and completely certain that this was a need that, if left unmet, would leave me crashed and burning and unable to function. In my mind - it was his responsibility - his only possible course of action - to fix me, to meet this need, to beat me and use me and conquer me.
But he didn't. Partly, circumstances just didn't allow for that, and partly - it just wasn't what he chose to do, at least not how and when i thought he should. I communicated my feelings, my needs, my desires. Then I hinted and probably whined. I had all this need, and it was being left - unmet, unsatisfied, unresolved - i was being left - needing. I swirled around in my emotions and panicked that i would be lost in the storm. But what i couldn't bring myself to do was just come to him with the cane and ask, or present myself to him quietly and openly.
And yet - here i am, functioning, connected, fairly calm, if not a touch chastised and a little bit ashamed. It's interesting: either he meets my needs, or he doesn't. Except - i need to accept that he decides, it's not about me, my expectations aren't the important factor. He does meet my needs, even when it feels for all the world like he isn't.
it is just so damn difficult to disattach the expectations
ReplyDelete^^ That. Right there. That is the whole damn truth.
Love this post. Thank you for sharing!
Kitty,
DeleteThis one has plagued me for a long time - when it interferes too much - i tell him those too - the expectations i had in my head - it helps a little. Of course i have expectations about those conversations too.
GG-Oh, I like this post!
ReplyDeleteEven though I know and accept it isn't about me, its up to him, I sometimes get lost in actually accepting that and not pushing against it (not whining or complaining or pointing it out) and trust that even if it isn't obvious my needs are being met.
Lovely way to phrase it all, here :o)
Bleuame,
DeleteThanks. It goes round and round - one of the hard parts was learning that he does want to make me happy - and for me to be ok with that. Now i need to not try to direct how i think he should go about doing that.
I had to read the italics a few time before it really sunk in but I understand exactly what you are saying. I have not yet found a great way to handle giving the information and then being able to disattach from the expectations. I too easily get into brat mood when then happens and shut down. I do think it is getting better over time but not in leaps and bounds by any means.
ReplyDeleteIt's good to see you ened this post with acknowledging that he does meet your needs, even when it is not obvious.
DB,
DeleteI was especially muddled in my thinking here - i know. this whole thing would be so much easier if it were only at the actions/words level - if thoughts and intentions didn't count. I suppose that would miss the point of a lot of it too though. thanks.
gg,
ReplyDeleteBeing a masochist is confusing to say the least. Often we exist in this heady space of denial and acceptance. We often will deny that we have "needs" or strong desires -- we accept their authority but there are times we do want it when we feel it....
It's all confusing and maybe that's just a little bit of the fun.
Hugs,
mouse
mouse,
Deleteconfusing, and fun - yea. And frustrating. And maddening. i do wish i could hold onto this deep intense need and access it when he wants it that way. Of course - then it wouldn't be challenging for me - and maybe that's part of hte point too.
It's natural that when you tell him what you want (because he needs the info in order to do it) that you expect him to do it. I think that's unavoidable. But it's a conundrum, because I feel like if I tell him what I want that it ruins the whole he's telling me what to do thing.
ReplyDeleteAnother thing is that sometimes he seems to want to order me around, and other times he says, you should just know what to do without me telling you. This happened recently, he said something like, you should just know to lick my balls (during a blowjob). And I said, but I like it when you tell me to do it.
t1klish - i have gotten stuck on that one too - if i say it to him - then i don;t want him to turn around and do just what i said. he can't really win sometimes. Thanks.
DeleteThe puzzling conflict between want/don't want that you describe is so familiar, greengirl! We struggle with just this dilemma all the time (and particularly this week). I'm also familiar with the way that a wave of need and desire can sometimes rise up all of a sudden out of nowhere. I tend to look forward to surfing those waves within my wife when they swell up--we both wind up having lots of fun! However, there will also come the inevitable time when the wave recedes, and the need and desire withdraw. Those times are less fun...
ReplyDeleteJake,
ReplyDeleteI don't understand the ebb and flow of it either. I see small glimpses of it in my husband -but not (it seems) to nearly the same degree. But maybe he is better at staying leveled, or at not being so ruled by the feeling, or maybe he just gets what he wants when he wants it so it doesn't bother him. Issues do sometimes still arise when he wants and i am in a low need part of the cycle - although i am learning to try to be available to what he wants no matter. It is harder for me to figure out how to manage myself when the wave is cresting.
Oh God, there are times when I think I'll die if he doesn't beat me the way I want.....It is horribly confusing. I have gotten pretty good at the detaching from the outcome thing-years of sitting in church basements will do that....:)
ReplyDelete