Saturday, October 13, 2012

completely useless bit of overthinking

A whole stream of thoughts occurred to me this morning.

We stayed in bed this morning til after 8 - that just never, ever happens.  This stream of thoughts occurred to me when my husband told me i needed to learn "not to fight it."  I told him i don't feel like i'm fighting - but he's got a definite idea of what is me fighting it and what is me finally capitulating.

Maybe context would help.

Once he realized i was awake this morning, he pinned my hands above my head with one hand and started exploring with his other one.  Stroking turned into pushing and pinching and then into plunging. Sucking became nibbling became biting - hard.   He takes his time with this - i think he likes it.  He gets me very quickly to a point that I am all response - no conscious thoughts of initiating anything, even if i could.  I move and moan and open myself to him, to what hurts, and to what feels so tantalizing - all swirled together, nothing in my head but listening and wanting.

But there are some sensations that i'm convinced my body can't handle.  Too much stimulation when i'm already so - stimulated - is just too much.  With my head out of the equation, my body can't process it and, I suppose, fights against it.  I think this is what he is talking about.  I have to re-engage some part of my consciousness and force myself to relax, to accept, to feel what is happening.

I suppose this is something that he will keep pushing and i will keep trying to figure out.  My rush of thoughts though, as incoherent as they are, had to do with this who does what during sex.

The "who's in charge" question is not really what i mean.  We fixed that some time ago - and now - well - life is good.

But - i think about submission, especially in the context of serving - and to me that sounds like providing sexual service - i.e., doing things for him and to him that he likes, the way he likes, when he wants... And that feels pretty easy really.  I can do that.

I think about way, way back when i was dating - i was a dork - i didn't date much - but it was a process of back and forth - taking turns between doing and letting the other person do, some mutual combinations of the two.  Well - that was the good parts - there were of course the ones who tried to insist on getting just what they wanted then being done.  The back and forth was a good part of married sex also.  This makes it sound unappealing - that's not what i mean - but it is different.  

There was one person i went out with a few times, until i got very scared - afraid of my reaction to him though, not afraid of him actually.  He did to me.  He made me wait, he made me be still while he explored and touched, he made me experience, he made me feel - so many sensations, and then urges.

And this is what my husband does to me/for me now.

As much as i now love being played with, being used, being made to experience all those sensations, being made unable to respond in kind - this is harder for me than doing would be.  For the worse parts of our married sex life, sex consisted of me doing or not doing.  In my head, at the time, it seemed like i was doing what a wife was supposed to do - giving her husband pleasure.  The idea of letting him take his pleasure was not on my radar, and if it had been, i don't think i could have accomplished it.

My guess is that different people want different things, that what is difficult for some is easy for others, what some find fascinating and pleasurable, others would see as tedious and no fun, what i find as the easy cop out - others probably struggle with, what i work to relax into, others might find as the cop out.  It is interesting that it has meant a complete reversal for both my husband and me - and ironic that in submitting i serve him by letting him pleasure me.


  1. It's a hard one to wrap your head around. I know he's taking his pleasure and I know he'll let me know if there's something I'm not doing that he wants ... but there are times I wish I could be let go, to give him pleasure in some of the ways that *I* enjoy. Like, "just give me 10 minutes to have my way with you, then we'll go back to whatever you say..."
    Haven't quite gotten there yet - but I live in hope!

    1. Jz,
      It is so complicated. Funny that letting you pleasure him would have to be an indulgence from him. Funny that that is what you would love to do. Still better than the other way though i think. Oh and - good luck.

  2. It's a paradox all right, greengirl. I ask the same thing of Joy that your husband asks of you--give over your body and let me use it as I choose, feel what I want you to feel, take what I have to give. On the one hand, this idea demonstrates the control that your husband has over you and I have over Joy. On the other, both your husband and I are focused on giving rather than taking, on you and Joy (respectively) rather than ourselves.

    Mindbending, but fun, and oh-so-exciting, that's what I think!

    1. Jake,
      No wonder it took me so long to catch on to the whole thing - not because i'm dense - it's because it's mind-bending. thanks.

  3. Interesting. You're so right, it's very individual, isn't it?

    i love serving him sexually, but having him do things to me and not let me respond is my very favorite thing ever. And maybe that's partly because it's such a contrast to my marriage, where it seemed like he mostly touched me because he felt it was something he was supposed to do before he could fuck me.


    Won't do a blog post of my own here, but thanks for posting this.

    1. Aisha,
      It has been interesting - what i've learned about him, and about myself - by watching and listening and allowing. Thanks for the comment.

  4. greengirl; I think this is one of those contradictory topics in d/s...taking/giving, action/non-action...his pleasure is found not only in your 'pain' but in the pleasure he creates. Lovely post :o)

    1. Bleuame,
      thank you - for some reason i have a hard time just accepting these kinds of contradictions - i try to fight my way through them instead.

  5. Hey there, Greengirl...

    I too struggled with this with my Master. We are not 24/7...but when we did manage to get was very much as you describe. I remember feeling that I wasn't "serving" Him, just laying there and dealing with what He dished out...LOTS of orgasms, to the point of being super-saturated with sensitivity. Of being pushed beyond the boundaries of pleasure sometimes, really.
    And I had to write about it to Him, because I felt I wasn't doing it right.

    "You do what I want you to," He told me. "It's what I like to do. If I want you to suck my cock, then you will. If I want to fuck you brainless, push you, pinch you...then so I will. Make no mistake, this is MY will, nilla."

    He was very firm about it.


    It took a lot of the stress out of our relationship because I wasn't doing it wrong...but serving Him just the way he wanted. I still don't always grok it...but I do accept that it's what He wants.

    And we all know if the Boss-of-us is happy...we're happy, right?

    Good post...thanks for helping me see I was NOT alone in feeling that way!


    1. nilla,
      it has taken me awhile to accept that he means what he tells me when he tells me this - funny, huh? I do love hearing about your relationship. I think, well among other things, it does really help to see in detail that other dynamics work this way too. thanks.