A whole stream of thoughts occurred to me this morning.
We stayed in bed this morning til after 8 - that just never, ever happens. This stream of thoughts occurred to me when my husband told me i needed to learn "not to fight it." I told him i don't feel like i'm fighting - but he's got a definite idea of what is me fighting it and what is me finally capitulating.
Maybe context would help.
Once he realized i was awake this morning, he pinned my hands above my head with one hand and started exploring with his other one. Stroking turned into pushing and pinching and then into plunging. Sucking became nibbling became biting - hard. He takes his time with this - i think he likes it. He gets me very quickly to a point that I am all response - no conscious thoughts of initiating anything, even if i could. I move and moan and open myself to him, to what hurts, and to what feels so tantalizing - all swirled together, nothing in my head but listening and wanting.
But there are some sensations that i'm convinced my body can't handle. Too much stimulation when i'm already so - stimulated - is just too much. With my head out of the equation, my body can't process it and, I suppose, fights against it. I think this is what he is talking about. I have to re-engage some part of my consciousness and force myself to relax, to accept, to feel what is happening.
I suppose this is something that he will keep pushing and i will keep trying to figure out. My rush of thoughts though, as incoherent as they are, had to do with this who does what during sex.
The "who's in charge" question is not really what i mean. We fixed that some time ago - and now - well - life is good.
But - i think about submission, especially in the context of serving - and to me that sounds like providing sexual service - i.e., doing things for him and to him that he likes, the way he likes, when he wants... And that feels pretty easy really. I can do that.
I think about way, way back when i was dating - i was a dork - i didn't date much - but it was a process of back and forth - taking turns between doing and letting the other person do, some mutual combinations of the two. Well - that was the good parts - there were of course the ones who tried to insist on getting just what they wanted then being done. The back and forth was a good part of married sex also. This makes it sound unappealing - that's not what i mean - but it is different.
There was one person i went out with a few times, until i got very scared - afraid of my reaction to him though, not afraid of him actually. He did to me. He made me wait, he made me be still while he explored and touched, he made me experience, he made me feel - so many sensations, and then urges.
And this is what my husband does to me/for me now.
As much as i now love being played with, being used, being made to experience all those sensations, being made unable to respond in kind - this is harder for me than doing would be. For the worse parts of our married sex life, sex consisted of me doing or not doing. In my head, at the time, it seemed like i was doing what a wife was supposed to do - giving her husband pleasure. The idea of letting him take his pleasure was not on my radar, and if it had been, i don't think i could have accomplished it.
My guess is that different people want different things, that what is difficult for some is easy for others, what some find fascinating and pleasurable, others would see as tedious and no fun, what i find as the easy cop out - others probably struggle with, what i work to relax into, others might find as the cop out. It is interesting that it has meant a complete reversal for both my husband and me - and ironic that in submitting i serve him by letting him pleasure me.