Saturday, February 2, 2013

Being His

How it works, or really, what it means.....for me, for us, my understanding of Us - where we are, for now.

My thoughts are heading about 6 different directions.  Of course part of this line of thought was started by the recent brouhaha. Which led others to discuss what is and is not submissive, or slave for that matter.  And since i tend to read people i agree with, i agreed with, i identified with, actually, i feel in my bones that what i am is His.

His - sums it up - easy to say - and simple - elegantly simple.  But without some thought, "His" provides absolutely no practical guidance.  It sounds lovely, it makes me melt to hear, and i think it has a pretty deep significance for him to know me as His, to know i am His, which makes me very happy also.

One of the biggest things "His" isn't - is just a set of behaviors.  He wants certain behaviors, yes, and certain demeanors, at least - there are demeanors he doesn't want to experience.  And yes - he wants obedience when it comes down to it.   But he wants me thinking and feeling and living and deciding and participating and helping.  He wants me active in all this. He has no time, patience, or desire for dictating or even guiding my every moment.

I think though that he wants me to feel and be, not just act, whatever "His" entails.  And that is where elegantly simple in concept becomes incredibly complex in practice.

And it is where my thoughts head off in so many different directions: other people's definitions of submission or slave, consent, being human, struggling, my needs, having needs, compatibility, what do i believe it is to submit, what does he....

I know all these things have been discussed ad nauseum; in many peoples' minds they've already been decided and the right and wrong of them is clear.  But i am me, and we are us and really - if i'm "His" then by definition - we have to define it for ourselves, (or he has to define it and i accept -there's another interesting question, submissive or not, i do have influence on the dynamic?)

I will likely tackle some of these other ideas someday.  For now - the idea of struggle or resisting is the one that seemed to put people off.  I tend to wonder too much about everything, i even get angsty about my feelings about things.  I had no angst about my feelings on this one.  I often wish i didn't struggle and could submit easily and gracefully and peacefully, but i can't always.  And i don't think that means i am not submissive, although it may be unsubmissive of me in the moment.  But there are, for me, right ways and wrong ways to act on my struggles.

I  have tested and bratted and acted out in the past.  I recognize it now, or i recognize the urge.  It doesn't come from a place of "spoiled little girl wanting to get her way."  It comes from a place of insecurity, feeling unsure of his resolve or interest, feeling at a loss and fearful.  Sometimes that fear and doubt manifest as snark and disrespect, sometimes as a dark mood and pulling away.

The point is though that I do sometimes experience fear and doubt that are very real to me.  Sometimes their root is within me and i need to do the work to move past them.  Sometimes they are in response to changes, doubts, or real struggles he is going through.  Yes - he is not perfect, he is learning and growing and working his way through a human existence also.

To say it bluntly - my struggles don't make me unsubmissive, and his don't make him undominant.

I have, as recently as this week, had a mental storm of thoughts of how unfair it all is, what a huge burden on me; it's my time, my sleep, my work, my focus, and my peace of mind, and did i mention my sleep, being eaten away by life's circumstances.  Not a submissive impulse in sight.  Certainly not a submissive demeanor.  Had i not been alone, there would have been snark and nastiness and a short temper let loose.  Oh, i hide that me at work, and i try to modulate it around friends and usually for my kids, but had He been there, He would have gotten slammed: argument and resistance and attitude and all.

Except that the part of my brain not wrapped up in my little tantrum knew that it was just that.  He has had a hellish week also - worse than mine in reality.  And that non-tantrum, non-overwhelmed part of my self wanted to be able to make some part of his week less hellish for him, wanted to make it better.  That is a submissive impulse.  Of course it's also just basic human decency, caring for the person you love...  Some other day i may try to figure out how being submissive is different from being one part of a loving relationship - or maybe it's not.

I'm coming to see that this journey into submission for me hasn't and isn't going to eradicate my very complex thoughts and emotions, even the not-so-nice ones.  I am going to struggle, even stomp my feet now and then.  On the other hand, I am coming more and more to see that submitting to Him, His way, means taking responsibility for all the parts of me. He wants what is His to work for him, not struggle against him. If i'm not trying, then in fact it isn't submission.


18 comments:

  1. "my struggles don't make me unsubmissive"

    It's kind of funny to read people worrying about this because *my* worry is that I don't find this difficult enough - and I figure that invalidates me as a submissive. Like I should have a big ol' "FAKER" stamp on my forehead.
    Mind you, I'm sure much of that difference stems from me being a situational sub, not full-time. But still...

    We're just never satisfied, are we?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think this has come up in the past - and i think it's so cool that you both are this way and that you recognize it. i think that rather than "Faker" you should have a stamp that says, "Actually comfortable with myself - not just in name only."

      Delete
  2. There are a lot of interesting posts around at the moment, a lot of self reflection and i think thats a good thing, but i sometimes wander if its a submissive trait to need some clarification, explanation of why we are the way we are....instead of just actually embracing who we are and our relationships.

    did that make any sense? lol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It does make sense - or I've interpreted it, hopefully somewhere close to your intentions. I think it probably is a submissive trait to want explanations, although it would be very appealing to be able to let go and just embrace. I'm not sure i need to know why i am the way i am - i'm not sure psychology really has very many of those answers for very many aspects of being human. But i think that for me, i need to understand how i am and how i hope to be so that i can see how to get from A to B. Of course, sometimes i'm just spinning my mental wheels aimlessley and it would in fact be better to just let go and do- i know my husband would endorse that.

      Delete
  3. It's so funny to me, because my situation is so dissimilar to yours, but I can't say with enough emphasis how much I identify with what you've described here so clearly & eloquently. Thank you. I feel less on an island when I read that others struggle with lotsa the same things I do. I wish I could hug you. Well said, gg

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think it does help us all to know we aren't the only ones with this or that struggle. I know all the other perspectives help me. thank you so much.

      Delete
  4. WOW...glad I happened to find my way here today....right know we are in similar places. I am 'His"..and He wants obedience and service and...whatever He wants. But He also wants me to be a full partner , to ask, to volunteer, sometimes I just want to stomp me feet. Actually i did that this week...Everyone is unique..and so are out journeys..hugs abby

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is a hard line to get right sometimes i think, obedience etc., and full partner... I'm accepting the fact that i will never be perfectly at peace and never riled up. Oh well...

      Delete
  5. Oh, so beautifully said!! i love this. Yes. It is about being more fully who we are.

    hugs,

    aisha

    ReplyDelete
  6. I feel the same way about my resistance sometimes. Its not because Im unsubmissive, its because I have insecurities that need to be addressed. I believe a good Dominant will help their sub through those insecurities, and I believe part of what makes me a good subis my desire to let him help me. Thank you for the thought provoking post.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree completely, but even letting him help me is sometimes so difficult. It is hard to hold onto the trust when the foundation of that trust is what you are doubting.

      Delete
  7. Hi,

    Daddy will often remind mouse that this "lifestyle" is supposed to lift us up -- not tear us down. While mouse's slavery (or submission) might be different -- Daddy still requires that mouse be truthful about her own feelings that are beyond his control (he wouldn't want that power anyway).

    Hugs,
    mouse

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. it is hard enough to be truthful with myself about my feelings - much less with him. But yes - i really can't imagine why anyone would engage in anything that didn't ultimately lift them up. Actually - i guess i can imagine some reasons - but i have to believe that this is the right choice. thanks

      Delete
  8. Nothing like the big brouhaha's to encourage deep thinking. I like your way of thinking of yourself as simply "His." It's a very simple label that fits perfectly.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good point - and i think, in the end, some things are worth some mental attention. His - yes - simple and so so complex. Thank you.

      Delete
  9. Hi gg,

    I think, out of respect, we need to recognize that we are each unique, and will need to define ourselves within our relationships, a bit differently. We do what works for us. You do what works for you. I would say "I am his" too, but those words don't mean the exact same things that your words mean. Any why should they? Like snowflakes, not one of us is identical!

    Sara

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sara,
      That was part of what i was trying to convey, "But i am me, and we are us and really - if i'm "His" then by definition - we have to define it for ourselves." Maybe i should have been explicit - We(He) define it for ourselves *and only for ourselves.* The other part of my point here was working through what i feel like "His" does entail - for me. I didn't at all mean to imply that should apply for anyone else.

      Delete