Tuesday, September 3, 2013

a new flavor

Over the past 48 hours he's introduced a new flavor.  And it's been very difficult for me to describe to him the effect because the effect has been different from anything else.

I'm also not really sure how to describe what he's doing differently, although it's not at all subtle, so it shouldn't be so hard to put my finger on.

He grabs me, unexpectedly and harshly, by my hair, my throat, my jaw.  He  forces my attention and tells me what i'm for, what he plans for me, what he wants.  He's done this - it seems like every 10 minutes through the day and night.  It's not - but it's often, and sudden, and on the verge of discovery by other people.  He touches and strokes and arouses precisely when i can't respond visibly or out loud.  He prods and pinches and scratches, painfully, just to hear me whimper.   He makes me self-conscious and won't allow me the comfort of a nervous laugh or looking away.  He allows me no interaction, i'm object only; then he shifts in a heartbeat to, "good girl, that's what i wanted," then in another heartbeat to the vanilla world around us as if nothing else ever existed.

It feels like he is creating two me's - much more defined, distinct from one another:  I'm the me the rest of the world sees - that transition i've been learning, I'm used to that dichotomy -His vs.  mother, daughter, sister, my work role, all the other roles we all have.

But the submissive me, the slave.... it feels like there is a splitting there as well: His - his good girl, his submissive wife, his companion sitting at his feet vs. His object - not a companion or wife at all - His toy but without the affection  - fierce ownership, desire, but not affection, just His to use then set aside.

That second one is new - I've felt glimpses or echo's of it, but to be more explicitly the object is brand new. Over the past 48 hours, every time he yanks me into this object mode, i fall more quickly and more deeply - more floaty, more focused on him, less aware of anything else around, more pliable, more sensitive to his touch and his cues, more aroused; craving to be his good girl and not the object, but above all else, wanting to do or be whatever he wants.

Once upon a time, i thought there was an endpoint to the things to discover in all this, to my depths and to his, or at least a very level plateau.  I think maybe there are so many flavors and so many facets.










12 comments:

  1. Oh...I love the being-the-object thing, when its sudden and unexpected it certainly causes interesting reactions to my mental state.
    I don't think there is an endpoint. And its nice to know there are many more facets to be discovered ;o)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bleuame,
      It's a new one for me and i'm surprised at it, at my response, I don't know how he knows these things but it was very effective.

      Delete
  2. I really like your last statement, the rest of this post is great too but I'm glad to know it is ever evolving.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Misty,
      I guess I should know this in theory, but i still am taken by surprise in reality. Thanks.

      Delete
  3. seems the cycle has come round. So often it think back to that warning of a few years ago now... be careful what you wish for as you might get it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sir J,
      That river just keeps on flowing... who would have guessed?

      Delete
  4. I keep coming back to this, feeling like I should really have something to say because it made me smile.
    Turns out, that's what I have to say--this post made me smile.

    "more floaty, more focused on him, less aware of anything else around, more pliable, more sensitive to his touch and his cues, more aroused; craving to be his good girl and not the object, but above all else, wanting to do or be whatever he wants."
    It's beautiful!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. lil,
      Thank you - after a stretch of tough stuff between us and outside of us - this did feel beautiful.

      Delete
  5. I'm not reading other comments before I write so I can speak from my own head without being influenced. :)
    But from what I know of men, and it isn't all *that* much since I have lived all my life with another woman...and never lived with Master...

    Men place a value on their "toys/objects" that is pretty high. Higher than I think women place on our own stuff. I don't think that love is any more "outside" that value...it may not be apparent at the time...but it may be an underlying core. I'm SO glad you're getting that subspace feeling--then it must be right and working for you. And glad that you are pleasing one another in these little vignettes of time.

    nilla

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. nilla,
      Oh i think you're right. I could never explain it to someone who hasn't experienced it, and i'm sure i wouldn't have believed me either, but for me now, being his this way, possession more than person, makes me feel more loved. It's an expanding of us, not a dimineshment of me.

      Delete
  6. No, I too now don't think there's an end point unless we decide that we're done. Maybe not even then. Interesting...

    Sara

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sara,
      I thought about this the other day, for us to decide to stop and end this would take so much work to figure out - I'm honestly not sure we could successfully do it.

      Delete