woe is me

I would love for there to be something fun or deep or new or adventurous for me to write about.  Even better - it would have to do with sex and domination, pain and maybe some humiliation.  Funny how it all sings its siren song the loudest when it's the most remote from being possible.

He's particularly absorbed with work, his time and mentally - preoccupied, and intense, upset even - and he is very careful to insulate us as a family from that state of mind - but that means he is withdrawn, compartmentalized. Most of the little rituals and practices that keep us as a couple on track and reminded of how we are best have been dropped or just don't fit in right now.

So yes - woe is me.....

It's not news - serving is doing what is useful to him not what i want him to want - so i carry on - no prizes for that - this is just life, being expected to manage normal life is not the woe is me part - i am a grown up.

The woe is that i apparently want, need, thrive on more maintenance than i prefer to admit - serving by waiting and being patient and managing - very uninteresting, and i'm working hard to find it fulfilling

Woe is that he chooses to compartmentalize and won't, doesn't want to use me as an outlet for his frustration and upset, wouldn't that be a lovely way to be able to serve Him  .......maybe he isn't really, truly meant to be Dominant if His impulse isn't to use me in that way, maybe he's just doing all this to make me happy.....  or maybe he's just a hell of a lot smarter about it than I am at this point and maybe it would just be serving me, not Him.


I will get over myself, he will come back to a more sane workload and we will move forward together - hopefully a little wiser (one of us anyhow), and there will be adventures again some day......

  

proportional response

This is one of the little games he plays.....  I'm sure he has his reasons, or maybe just because he can.

He grabs, tweaks, pinches, bites, or twists my nipples randomly, out of the blue, all the time.  If we are alone, and if they aren't protected by a bulletproof bra (this is where those t-shirt bras come in handy), they are what he grabs to communicate, get my attention, test me, get his point across, or as a correction.  Again - I'm sure he has his reasons - or maybe just because he can.

Because he grabs, twists, bites, or tweaks randomly and out of the blue - it takes me by surprise, every- single-time.   And in that 50 nanoseconds after the sensation of touch has reached my brain, but before the sensation of pain, or the happy lack thereof, has quite made its way to its own part of the brain, there is time for me to recognize what is happening, to wonder what the hell did i do now, to flash through thoughts about how many ways this could really go, and to respond. The responding is where I get in trouble.

There is just no way to know, in that 50 nanoseconds,  if this is a cute and affectionate tweak, a prelude to something very nice, or a, "Holy, M....F......, that hurts like Hell, is it safe for me to scream?  can I just punch him?  i really just hope they stay attached"

So i jump and yelp pretty much every-single-time.  He doesn't mind jumping and yelping - when he means to hurt me, he generally likes the overt signs of distress - the squirming, yelping, jumping, the obvious struggle to maintain some control, even tears don't phase him, and i think on some level it all feeds him.

But he's all about the proportional response.  And this is where he plays his games.  If he deems my response to be out of proportion to what he has done, then I need to "practice."  Practice involves me standing, hands down or behind my back, while he administers various "stimuli," to which i need to respond correctly - not too overblown for a small tweak, an honest expression of pain for a more aggressive pinch or twist, the right kind of moan for a sensual stroke.....all while he admonishes and chides in his most condescending, "I can't believe we have to go through this again little girl" voice.

I haven't figured out if he likes this game, or if he would be a little disappointed if i did learn to respond appropriately each time.  For that matter - i haven't quite figured out how i feel about it - but i know that my overwhelming instinct is still to jump and yelp whenever he grabs out of the blue...

day to day

Things here feel like they are shifting again - which i suppose is as it should be - static can feel like reveling in a really good place, or static can feel like a morass of quicksand.  But i'm quite certain that always static isn't really good for people or for relationships.

Not all changes are exciting adventures though - this feels more like, "Ok, time to buckle down and take seriously all the little mundane pieces of this M/s thing...."

It's hard for me to put into words, and this will be news for my husband, because I haven't been able to put it in words for him yet either...

This M/s thing is really all of us -  everything I do and am.  Most of what i do and am isn't any different than anyone else in the world: taking care of our home, our family, working, taking care of my physical and mental health...  All very mundane.

And all imperfectly accomplished.

In some respects - there is no such thing as perfect - I keep reasonably on top of things and yet still the unexpected happens.  Work is such that there is always a next step - it's never done and never as good as it could ever be.  And the kids - they just seem to have minds of their own :)

But in many respects - I can do more and do better.  And sometimes i feel that he just doesn't care about my efforts, or goals, or even recognize that i view these things as belonging to him, for him...  Of course, other times i feel resentful and intruded upon when he does check in.  He just can't win.

It would be easy for me to say that my struggle here is because he hasn't been clear or hasn't been explicit enough in his directions (I know because I've said it and it was easy to say).

But it's not honest of me.  I know that he has communicated his vision for everything, or will as new things emerge, including my involvement in shaping and realizing those visions.  My job is to go on and take care of things, and to ask for help (and accept it) when i need it.

Part of going on and taking care of things - is me figuring out my own motivation, accountability, and consistency.  Bringing him my best self means also doing the work to develop my best self.  I belong to him, but if he has to do all the work to maintain me, I'm not nearly as valuable to him; to be more his, i have to be more self sufficient.

slowly

I didn't even realize how much I've missed him.  Our entire lives together, he's traveled - it's just reality for us.  And we have kids - so being externally focused even when we are together is also just reality for us - like pretty much anyone else with similar demographics.

I feel decadent, privileged, spoiled to have him here and to share his time and space.  He will still travel, this week even, and the kids are still here, but the stars aligned, and we've had room to breathe sprinkled pretty liberally throughout the past few days.

It started with tears - I had truly fallen and couldn't find my way back up.  He listened and answered my doubts.  I know enough to be able to tell him what is wrong with me, what i feel, what i want and what i fear.  I also, finally, mercifully, know to be able to leave it at that - information but not demands or requests or expectations beyond knowing that he is listening and will act as he chooses.

Slowly he has drawn me back, very incrementally and subtly re-defining and then drawing-in the circle of freedom in which i roam.  And i have the oddest response to this: i push back, smart mouthing about rules being optional, i giggle and laugh nervously instead of managing the appropriate Yes Sir, i find the cane just plain hurts and makes me angry instead of working the magic it used to.....

But i also again feel the desire to please and to submit, and it is slowly catching up to and overtaking the impulse to snark at him.  I feel genuinely privileged to be his, to have him want me as his.  Slowly, i'm finding that the cane that just plain hurts also leaves me suspiciously wet and overly aware of my bits.  He swapped all the catching up on missed days with the cane for a long, lovely time with the crop and a floaty orgasm.  I know i am spoiled.  And the contentment and quiet joy at just being with him that has been so conspicuously absent. That feeling - that's the decadent part.  

unbound submission

Maybe it's the metaphor of being bound vs. being expected to hold position, being forced vs. being expected to comply.  

When we do play, have sex, or interact in any intimate way at all, anything that reinforces and drives our dynamic  - he does both/either/whatever he wants: bound or not, gagged or not, wants to hear my pain or wants me to endure quietly, predicament or quite comfortable, humiliated and objectified or attended to and coddled, pain, pleasure and everything in between.... always his choice and i have to catch up and follow along.   

For the mental submission though, the day-to-day mundane - the true opening of myself to him - i am never bound or gagged or restrained in any way.  I am expected to follow, to comply, and to open up to him entirely of my own accord.  I have to own every bit of it all, take each and every step myself.  

The interplay between the physical, intimate and sexual and the mental and practical aspects of submitting is huge.  So many acts, demands, shows of force large or very small can put me back where i belong, keep me on track in my mind, reinforce that lovely submissive feeling, and keep the whole thing flowing, His Dominance feeding my Submission feeding His Dominance.  When it's good - it's very, very good....

But we do get off track sometimes; the circle breaks.  Sometimes it's me, sometimes him, most often it's that the circumstances of life draw us too far outside of ourselves and demand our resources elsewhere.  We coast and draw on the energy of our dynamic in these times.  That has allowed us to weather some things much better than we would have otherwise.  But getting back on track, getting the energy flowing again is hard work.

Lil writes about the getting back beautifully here.  All that metaphor comes to me after the fact - not during.  My actual, messy reality is that I have a very difficult time remaining open to him while i am putting out fires in the world outside of us.  The bigger the fires, the more i become self-reliant and independent.  Self-reliant and independent shouldn't necessarily be anathema to submissive, but for me they are too difficult to hold onto at the same time.  Normally, i can switch all day long, as the situation demands - mom, professional, His... that's where all those small rituals and subtle shows of submission are so important.  

But there is a threshold past which i can't switch back.  I obey, i meet expectations, i comply.  But i can't open my mind (my heart?).  And, damn it, he can tell.  I think he doesn't even consider that i would not comply in deed.  It's the intent he cares about.  If he doesn't have my mind - he's not interested.   I get caught up in thinking: if i were really meant for this - wouldn't i have learned how to do it right by now? Is there a fatal flaw in me that keeps me from being able to let go of it all? I can see what i want, what he wants, why can't i just be that?  

What i want at those times (now) is some big show of force, or some little ones, demands or actions that would put me back in my place - because i really think that might work.  i notice that, at these times, i am incredibly needy, crawling out of my skin with desire to be taken and used hard.  And i'm sure that would put my head (and my heart) back exactly where they belong.  That doesn't happen though.  Instead, he waits for me to take the steps.  So i stick to my mantra. "It's not about me," and hope that clears the path.  

it's not about me

sometimes it is - because he wants it that way

and yes - we are two complex, interconnected, real people, living in layers of real worlds, with other real people...

 it's not that simplistic

but sometimes a mental trip back to the basics is very useful

mantras work for a reason, especially if you focus on the right one

for now - this is a good focus for me

That may take it a bit too far - but there was plenty the past year that was just plain hard.

I have had the exquisite luxury the past two days of putting aside many other concerns, knowing that many of the things that had weighed me down so were now resolved, or at least moved on and out of my control, or in a holding pattern.

I spent yesterday preparing to host friends for New Year's dinner - a long tradition for us, which i love.  I cleaned, and prepped, and cooked, and prepped, and cooked.  The kids did their thing and my husband did his.  As the day got later, he joined me in the kitchen.  We opened a bottle of wine and finished the cooking as friends joined us.

 Life moves too quickly, is too fragmented, is influenced by outside obligations so often....I do love making wonderful meals and I love sharing the table and time with friends.   In so many ways, of necessity, we work together rather than my serving him , and in this as well, but he likes this, he appreciates that I do this well.

Today the  visiting teens are in the basement with my teens enjoying the luxury of their break - all day video games.  My husband has a friend to watch football with - all day: his perfect New Year's Day.  And I have been free to browse, nap, read, and lie around guilt free.

I thought no deep thoughts, made no grand plans, accomplished nothing noteworthy, I let my mind go completely - and it went quite willingly.

Tomorrow the new year will start, and I think maybe i will be ready for it.