slowly

I didn't even realize how much I've missed him.  Our entire lives together, he's traveled - it's just reality for us.  And we have kids - so being externally focused even when we are together is also just reality for us - like pretty much anyone else with similar demographics.

I feel decadent, privileged, spoiled to have him here and to share his time and space.  He will still travel, this week even, and the kids are still here, but the stars aligned, and we've had room to breathe sprinkled pretty liberally throughout the past few days.

It started with tears - I had truly fallen and couldn't find my way back up.  He listened and answered my doubts.  I know enough to be able to tell him what is wrong with me, what i feel, what i want and what i fear.  I also, finally, mercifully, know to be able to leave it at that - information but not demands or requests or expectations beyond knowing that he is listening and will act as he chooses.

Slowly he has drawn me back, very incrementally and subtly re-defining and then drawing-in the circle of freedom in which i roam.  And i have the oddest response to this: i push back, smart mouthing about rules being optional, i giggle and laugh nervously instead of managing the appropriate Yes Sir, i find the cane just plain hurts and makes me angry instead of working the magic it used to.....

But i also again feel the desire to please and to submit, and it is slowly catching up to and overtaking the impulse to snark at him.  I feel genuinely privileged to be his, to have him want me as his.  Slowly, i'm finding that the cane that just plain hurts also leaves me suspiciously wet and overly aware of my bits.  He swapped all the catching up on missed days with the cane for a long, lovely time with the crop and a floaty orgasm.  I know i am spoiled.  And the contentment and quiet joy at just being with him that has been so conspicuously absent. That feeling - that's the decadent part.