He's particularly absorbed with work, his time and mentally - preoccupied, and intense, upset even - and he is very careful to insulate us as a family from that state of mind - but that means he is withdrawn, compartmentalized. Most of the little rituals and practices that keep us as a couple on track and reminded of how we are best have been dropped or just don't fit in right now.
So yes - woe is me.....
It's not news - serving is doing what is useful to him not what i want him to want - so i carry on - no prizes for that - this is just life, being expected to manage normal life is not the woe is me part - i am a grown up.
The woe is that i apparently want, need, thrive on more maintenance than i prefer to admit - serving by waiting and being patient and managing - very uninteresting, and i'm working hard to find it fulfilling
Woe is that he chooses to compartmentalize and won't, doesn't want to use me as an outlet for his frustration and upset, wouldn't that be a lovely way to be able to serve Him .......maybe he isn't really, truly meant to be Dominant if His impulse isn't to use me in that way, maybe he's just doing all this to make me happy..... or maybe he's just a hell of a lot smarter about it than I am at this point and maybe it would just be serving me, not Him.
I will get over myself, he will come back to a more sane workload and we will move forward together - hopefully a little wiser (one of us anyhow), and there will be adventures again some day......
So yes - woe is me.....
It's not news - serving is doing what is useful to him not what i want him to want - so i carry on - no prizes for that - this is just life, being expected to manage normal life is not the woe is me part - i am a grown up.
The woe is that i apparently want, need, thrive on more maintenance than i prefer to admit - serving by waiting and being patient and managing - very uninteresting, and i'm working hard to find it fulfilling
Woe is that he chooses to compartmentalize and won't, doesn't want to use me as an outlet for his frustration and upset, wouldn't that be a lovely way to be able to serve Him .......maybe he isn't really, truly meant to be Dominant if His impulse isn't to use me in that way, maybe he's just doing all this to make me happy..... or maybe he's just a hell of a lot smarter about it than I am at this point and maybe it would just be serving me, not Him.
I will get over myself, he will come back to a more sane workload and we will move forward together - hopefully a little wiser (one of us anyhow), and there will be adventures again some day......
Oh greengirl I am going through the same thing over here. Doing the things I know he wants me to do with no "active" dominance on his part. You explained it exactly right. It isn't interesting. Downright BORING in fact. And then I take that bored and irritated attitude into the bedroom and the only thing that comes from that is uninteresting sex! LOL! What is it they say? The only way out is through? I sure hope so! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteSurrendered Wife,
DeleteWelcome. Absolutely the only way out is through. These phases happen, just like sometimes i need the room to be less actively submissive. I need to find the way to really feel that waiting and just carrying on are really what he needs and are submission - i know it in my head - i just need to feel it also. Thanks.
Patience is the hardest way to serve....to wait and do what is expected. Sounds like you are doing pretty well...and that is hard to do!
ReplyDeletehugs abby
Abby - thank you - i'm learning - slowly, and he's learning how to tell me what he needs from me.
DeleteNo dominance at my place either. I have become resigned, i think. It feels very odd ~ i am so happy with Him in so many ways that it feels greedy to want more. i will grow old with Him, there's no question of that. But there are so many things i miss about it. It has begun to seem that D/s is just something i read about, something other people do, and nothing to do with me.
ReplyDeletei guess i shouldn't talk about it in your comments, because i won't complain on my blog... but maybe there is hope? Fingers crossed...
sofia
sofia,
DeleteI am sorry . And please - talk about whatever you want here. We have been and (obviously still go through) the same phases. I've been utterly convinced of the same things - and it is such an internal battle. Even just to bring it to him and try to explain my feelings was so hard - it felt un-submissive - like a criticism, like topping or directing. I was sure that if i asked, even if he went back to "Domming" it couldn't be real or legitimate because i had asked. But it turned out each time that there were reasons - his stress, him wanting to give me space when i was stressed, his needing to get right with things in his head, sometimes even just him being in an overall funk, needing to focus on family or outside things.......
I know our dynamic will evolve - that scares me some because i'm generally pretty happy with it and i know we are far better this way, so i don't want to evolve away from this. But we've managed to turn out ok at each turn so far, so i have to trust we will continue to do that.
I never would have believed that the hard work in relationships would be having conversations - but it seems to be the case. Having that resigned feeling without knowing if you should be resigned or a bit hopeful - without the final word about what is or isn't really going on - is not a good feeling. I know i'm not you, we are different - but my heart hopes you two can have those conversations and figure out what is or isn't.
It really is frustrating when they won't let us in to help, to use us as the outlet.
ReplyDeleteBut if that isn't how they want to play it, what can we do?
We give what they want from us, not what we wish they wanted...
(bugger it all)
Jz,
DeleteExactly - and exactly. And thank you.
Green-girl:
ReplyDeleteI can so understand your frustration of wanting to be used as that outlet.
My other half, is very calm, cool and collected. Always.
And after many years, I realized, for him to give in and use me as an outlet for all that he keeps under the surface, is asking a great deal. It's asking him to deal with emotion in a way that he isn't wired to. It's asking for him to give up control...because how he deals is by being in control..by being the calm, the strong harbour.
I don't think for example, that him not wanting to give in that impulse makes him any less Dominant--indeed, he is exemplifying dominance by maintaining dominance over himself.
I have been in that boat, of "Is he doing this to make me happy?" and then thought long and hard about it; what I know about him, is he doesn't do things to please people, not even me. This D/s takes a lot and it takes two.
And sometimes this D/s thing is awfully boring....*hugs*
Bleuame,
DeleteYes - that is Him exactly - very, very even keel and under control. I know in my head that this doesn't make him not Dominant - I even know it's the right choice - because he makes it intentionally - i give in to the irrational doubts sometimes- maybe that's the "high maintenance" part. When those little connection points are missing, i am more prone to the irrational doubts. I owe it to him to be able to control myself too - without needing his intervention. Thank you so much for the encouragement.
I just love Bleuame's last sentence, as much as the kink etc has its part, its not the foundation i believe for these relationships, he doesnt want to 'use you' thats his choice, his right so to speak, doesnt mean that he lacking in dominance, if he chose to then he would.
ReplyDeletex
tori,
DeleteI know those things -in my head - yet somehow i talk myself out of being the rational person i usually am.
That's been the fascinating thing about this whole trip - in learning to open up to him - i now really do depend on him - he has enormous capacity to manipulate and impact my mental state. This is perhaps the down side of that. Maybe there is another level or a new step where i am able to keep the good openness and not be so high maintenance in the bad way.
thank you