Monday, January 20, 2014

day to day

Things here feel like they are shifting again - which i suppose is as it should be - static can feel like reveling in a really good place, or static can feel like a morass of quicksand.  But i'm quite certain that always static isn't really good for people or for relationships.

Not all changes are exciting adventures though - this feels more like, "Ok, time to buckle down and take seriously all the little mundane pieces of this M/s thing...."

It's hard for me to put into words, and this will be news for my husband, because I haven't been able to put it in words for him yet either...

This M/s thing is really all of us -  everything I do and am.  Most of what i do and am isn't any different than anyone else in the world: taking care of our home, our family, working, taking care of my physical and mental health...  All very mundane.

And all imperfectly accomplished.

In some respects - there is no such thing as perfect - I keep reasonably on top of things and yet still the unexpected happens.  Work is such that there is always a next step - it's never done and never as good as it could ever be.  And the kids - they just seem to have minds of their own :)

But in many respects - I can do more and do better.  And sometimes i feel that he just doesn't care about my efforts, or goals, or even recognize that i view these things as belonging to him, for him...  Of course, other times i feel resentful and intruded upon when he does check in.  He just can't win.

It would be easy for me to say that my struggle here is because he hasn't been clear or hasn't been explicit enough in his directions (I know because I've said it and it was easy to say).

But it's not honest of me.  I know that he has communicated his vision for everything, or will as new things emerge, including my involvement in shaping and realizing those visions.  My job is to go on and take care of things, and to ask for help (and accept it) when i need it.

Part of going on and taking care of things - is me figuring out my own motivation, accountability, and consistency.  Bringing him my best self means also doing the work to develop my best self.  I belong to him, but if he has to do all the work to maintain me, I'm not nearly as valuable to him; to be more his, i have to be more self sufficient.


  1. I can really identify with this...Master and I have been discussing much the same things. There is change in the air.....i want it....but i??
    hugs abby

    1. Abby,
      I'm not generally afraid of or unhappy about change, I think sometimes it sneaks up on my and then I look back and see why I was a little out of sorts. I think it's amazing your master can keep things dynamic over the long term, and in ways that are good for you both.

  2. This is something that often gets very confused in my mind as well. I think I tend to look at the "M" dynamic of that as a sort of supervisor, implying that I need constant constructive criticism, goals and objectives to work towards. At times these certainly can exist but other times in life the focus really should be more personal growth because that makes us stronger and healthier. Yet the relationship often feels off to me when I am in more independent growth mode.

    1. Serenity,
      That is a big part of it, just what You've said. I know it's exactly what he wants, and I'm not looking to make my life easier and his harder, but it's hard to be in those to different mindsets. But, that's part of hey he effort too I guess, to recognize that and work with it. Thank you.

  3. There is always that mountain of stuff...and its always never-ending.
    I think the only thing to be done, is to offer the best you can in that particular moment.
    Imperfectly accomplished, is still accomplished and I think making peace with the fact that its imperfect, can help a lot.
    Really lovely post :)

    1. Bleuame,
      Thank you. It is easy to fall into the trap of thinking I should do everything perfectly. I am slowly learning to figure out priorities and reasonableness. There's still that niggling at the back of my mind that worries about what if I give myself too much slack, will I get lazy and just let everything go?