Tuesday, January 7, 2014

unbound submission

Maybe it's the metaphor of being bound vs. being expected to hold position, being forced vs. being expected to comply.  

When we do play, have sex, or interact in any intimate way at all, anything that reinforces and drives our dynamic  - he does both/either/whatever he wants: bound or not, gagged or not, wants to hear my pain or wants me to endure quietly, predicament or quite comfortable, humiliated and objectified or attended to and coddled, pain, pleasure and everything in between.... always his choice and i have to catch up and follow along.   

For the mental submission though, the day-to-day mundane - the true opening of myself to him - i am never bound or gagged or restrained in any way.  I am expected to follow, to comply, and to open up to him entirely of my own accord.  I have to own every bit of it all, take each and every step myself.  

The interplay between the physical, intimate and sexual and the mental and practical aspects of submitting is huge.  So many acts, demands, shows of force large or very small can put me back where i belong, keep me on track in my mind, reinforce that lovely submissive feeling, and keep the whole thing flowing, His Dominance feeding my Submission feeding His Dominance.  When it's good - it's very, very good....

But we do get off track sometimes; the circle breaks.  Sometimes it's me, sometimes him, most often it's that the circumstances of life draw us too far outside of ourselves and demand our resources elsewhere.  We coast and draw on the energy of our dynamic in these times.  That has allowed us to weather some things much better than we would have otherwise.  But getting back on track, getting the energy flowing again is hard work.

Lil writes about the getting back beautifully here.  All that metaphor comes to me after the fact - not during.  My actual, messy reality is that I have a very difficult time remaining open to him while i am putting out fires in the world outside of us.  The bigger the fires, the more i become self-reliant and independent.  Self-reliant and independent shouldn't necessarily be anathema to submissive, but for me they are too difficult to hold onto at the same time.  Normally, i can switch all day long, as the situation demands - mom, professional, His... that's where all those small rituals and subtle shows of submission are so important.  

But there is a threshold past which i can't switch back.  I obey, i meet expectations, i comply.  But i can't open my mind (my heart?).  And, damn it, he can tell.  I think he doesn't even consider that i would not comply in deed.  It's the intent he cares about.  If he doesn't have my mind - he's not interested.   I get caught up in thinking: if i were really meant for this - wouldn't i have learned how to do it right by now? Is there a fatal flaw in me that keeps me from being able to let go of it all? I can see what i want, what he wants, why can't i just be that?  

What i want at those times (now) is some big show of force, or some little ones, demands or actions that would put me back in my place - because i really think that might work.  i notice that, at these times, i am incredibly needy, crawling out of my skin with desire to be taken and used hard.  And i'm sure that would put my head (and my heart) back exactly where they belong.  That doesn't happen though.  Instead, he waits for me to take the steps.  So i stick to my mantra. "It's not about me," and hope that clears the path.  


  1. I am so with you on this...it is such a tough path to get back on. Not the physical, He takes care of that...but the mental.
    Just when I think i am dong better......i am not. I want Him to wake me, to shake me, to force me...but it doesn't happen that way. I so wish there were a secret formula.
    You will find your way...as i eventually do....if only it were easier.
    hugs abby

    1. Abby,
      Absolutely, "wake me and shake me..." It's funny, I can see when i go off track, maybe the answer for me is in learning not to get so far off. I just don't know. Thank you for the understanding.

  2. I can so relate to the "wouldnt I have learned to do it right by now"....i have moments where im pretty sure that im not cut out for this..and i find it difficult to really explain why or where these moments come about.

    I think perhaps its impatience, i think i should be this 'ideal' slave/submissive and i get so focused on that i lose sight of that actually its all going ok, for sure there are moments that make me question, get frustrated etc but he pulls me back in.

    Sometimes (and i should learn to practice what i preach lol) its better to focus on the positives than how better one could/should be.


    1. tori,
      Yea - that is it - when i'm struggling, then i doubt that i can or even should be doing this. Oddly - not whether i want it or not - just whether i'm fit for it or not. Then I worry that i'm more trouble than I'm worth to him... In many, many ways - He is easy - or just an easy fit for me - His expectations and requirement's, etc - are not so burdensome. In reality, He takes care of me as much as i do of Him. But in this thing His way is enormously difficult for me - He won't pull me back or force me back - he just waits for me to take the steps. I see the why - but it is mentally very difficult for me. But i can see how focusing on the positives would be far more useful than what i tend to do. Thank you.

  3. Green-girl,
    No matter how many times I have read this post, I feel I am without adequate words to respond.

    I think the mental of ttwd is 98% and its a powerful force. It is power both in the giving/receiving and sometimes, I think that power can overwhelm us...its sort of like, it demands itself to be taken back and then we scatter and wonder and doubt-at least for me--but then..something, a trail, a positive, a look, a feeling, brings it back and its okay to be doing this.

    What is the requirements, in your mind to be fit?

    1. Bleuame,
      Oh the mental is most definitely the 'it' if all this. And it ends up pushing at me in the moist unexpected, unpredicted ways. I think sometimes i feel that i should feel - i don't know - submissive, the desire to submit, an overwhelming desire to serve. If i were truly fit to be submissive, slave, whatever - then i wouldn't ever rebel or doubt or feel anything but pure joy in this role. I recognize that this is irrational nonsense. But then - at some point, to live in a sustainable M/s relationship - one of the people has to actually submit, in heart, not just deeds. In theory, that is supposed to be me.