Why does it feel like it has to be hard to count - to be real?
I was talking with a friend recently about why i stumble over the things i do, why some things are so hard for me to learn or why others aren't. Ironically, one of the things i have trouble accepting is that this doesn't have to be so hard. When we have periods in which we are struggling, or it takes more work on my part to do my part, that feels right, feels like i think it should feel. It's when things are humming along easily and we are deeply content, at peace, and doing my part feels natural, that I start to get uneasy.
On one level, there is a part of me that feels that something is only worthwhile if it requires work, the harder it is to accomplish, the more work it takes, the more worthwhile it must be. So i get caught in loops of making the interactions between us complicated and challenging and effortful; that way, they must be more meaningful and thus better. It also means I earned it, I deserve the resultant success. I think my husband would argue that making our interacting as simple and streamlined and unified as possible would allow us to apply the effort and energy to the challenges outside of ourselves. For me - I've always had trouble with the KISS principle.
On another level, sometimes it hits in me in the face how dependent i have become on him. I'm not dependent on him for survival or my day to day functioning or even higher level things, but emotionally I am very tied to him. When it strikes me how much i need him, want him, miss him, crave him, how easily i become out of balance without him, i get very scared.
That is what is difficult, being so dependent on him for my emotional center - this makes me back off and part of backing off for me is finding different ways to serve, to do this thing, ways i come up with, ways i think should be the right way. The ways i think it should be done are more challenging, more difficult, and, most importantly, they take the focus off of me and let it be on my actions or what i do or don't do. They don't require openess or vulnerability from me; they certainly shift the roles - from me depending on him to him relying on me - and that is where i am comfortable.
As my friend put it to me...
what if I called him Sir and he called me girl and told me I was good and used me sexually and sometimes beat me for my own good or his fun. What if I handled all he wants me to do with grace and efficiency and presented a well run home and family. What if he took care of me, touched me, loved me and made my life easier with his containment and presence. What if all that happened and I just accepted it... what if