Saturday, September 11, 2010

why do i have to make it so hard

Why does it feel like it has to be hard to count - to be real?

I was talking with a friend recently about why i stumble over the things i do, why some things are so hard for me to learn or why others aren't. Ironically, one of the things i have trouble accepting is that this doesn't have to be so hard.   When we have periods in which we are struggling, or it takes more work on my part to do my part, that feels right, feels like i think it should feel.  It's when things are humming along easily and we are deeply content, at peace, and doing my part feels natural, that I start to get uneasy. 

On one level, there is a part of me that feels that something is only worthwhile if it requires work, the harder it is to accomplish, the more work it takes, the more worthwhile it must be.  So i get caught in loops of making the interactions between us complicated and challenging and effortful; that way, they must be more meaningful and thus better.  It also means I earned it, I deserve the resultant success. I think my husband would argue that making our interacting as simple and streamlined and unified as possible would allow us to apply the effort and energy to the challenges outside of ourselves.  For me - I've always had trouble with the KISS principle. 

On another level, sometimes it hits in me in the face how dependent i have become on him.  I'm not dependent on him for survival or my day to day functioning or even higher level things, but emotionally I am very tied to him. When it strikes me how much i need him, want him, miss him, crave him, how easily i become out of balance without him, i get very scared. 

That is what is difficult, being so dependent on him for my emotional center - this makes me back off and part of backing off for me is finding different ways to serve, to do this thing, ways i come up with, ways i think should be the right way.  The ways i think it should be done are more challenging, more difficult, and, most importantly, they take the focus off of me and let it be on my actions or what i do or don't do.  They don't require openess or vulnerability from me; they certainly shift the roles - from me depending on him to him relying on me - and that is where i am comfortable.

As my friend put it to me...
what if I called him Sir and he called me girl and told me I was good and used me sexually and sometimes beat me for my own good or his fun. What if I handled all he wants me to do with grace and efficiency and presented a well run home and family. What if he took care of me, touched me, loved me and made my life easier with his containment and presence. What if all that happened and I just accepted it... what if


  1. Often when you ask someone what they want in life the answer will be... I want to be successful and happy. The words may change a little based on the individual the sentiment is the same.

    Now ask that same person to define how they will know, or at what point they will be successful and happy and the answers become much more murky. Much less well defined.

    Often the hardest part of being those things is knowing when you have achieved it and enjoying it.

  2. I'm so glad you wrote this post. When submission feels comfortable and simple I tend to over think things and get nervous, making problems where there really should be none. You've really given me something to think about today.

  3. Your friend is wise.

    It's hard to accept that intimacy is a two-way street - but it is. And I doubt your husband wants you to hide from him behind a curtain of deeds. I suspect he wants the whole woman, flaws and all...

  4. GG: Your friend paints a really dreamy picture. I'd run with that.

  5. To use lolspeak parlance...Ur in mai hed, thinkin' mai thotz.

    (sorry, that was the first thing that came to mind as I read this)

    Seriously, I like the "what if"...but for us over-thinkers, not so easy to achieve. I hope you get there, greengirl. I'll be rooting for you.

  6. I think a lot of people misinterpret the KISS saying. Keeping things simple means that you do not complicate the situation unnecessarily. It doesn't mean you shouldn't challenge and push yourself... after all life really ends when you settle and become comfortable. Whereas when we push and challenge ourselves we continue to grow.

    I don't think there's anything wrong with challenging yourself by pushing your level of submission when you start to feel comfortable. I mean what's the worse that might happen... you'll grow into your submission more?



  7. Sir J,
    If I understand you correctly, I think you are right - those things are here already, waiting for me to stop looking, stop fighting them, and just be with them. I think it is happening, but still not completely.

    I hope it is good thinking - not the unproductive kind - I also am great at the wheel-spinning over thinking.

    I suspect you are right, in fact i'm sure you are. Speaking of wise friends....

    Isn't it interesting that what is heaven to one person causes uneasiness for another. It is a good picture, a desireable thing, I just need to figure out why it makes me uneasy.

    I agree that pushing and challenging are crucial, and that bad things happen when we stop moving. In this case, my pushing and looking for challenging ways is so that i can avoid the uncomplicated but, for me, very difficult thing that really needs to happen. I am seeing that, right now, this step, allowing myself to be vulnerable and dependent on him in some ways, is what needs to be for me to grow in this.

  8. Kelly,
    My kids are not quite old enough for the full language transformation yet - too soon though I'm afraid and they will be. You are absolutely right - it is not easy to just accept, as nice as it sounds. Likewise for the cheering.

  9. As D has said to me on several occasions, "Sometimes, your NOT supposed to think, your just supposed to be."

  10. externallymotivatedwife,
    welcome - i think htat is part of what i need to learn - sooo not there yet.