Friday, September 3, 2010


I know I'm not unique in this at all - but telling my husband my most intimate feelings and desires is very, very difficult.  I was able to bring my initial curiosity about (overwhelming hunger for) D/s to him via IM because it is fast, blunt, and keeps him at a mental distance.  He was in fact also physically 1000 miles away at the time, a fact that helped my courage, I'm sure.  Since then, we have worked to find a system of communication that works.  We have not been entirely successful.

I wouldn't have thought it could be so difficult - although the fact that i instinctively wanted to find a way to put my thoughts and feelings on paper or in a blog should have been a clue that some part of me knew that saying hard things face to face is just much harder. Clearly - he did realize that.

I gave him access to my emails, facebook, and chats (i can talk about why another day), and he does read this blog; he says he likes to keep tabs on my general frame of mind.  We have a private blog for more intimate, difficult or new things that come up.  It is one-way: I write to him, he may comment - or respond by email or in person, or not. I was/am inconsistant about using it. Many times, the effort of trying to put things into words was more than i would do, so i just didn't.  Sometimes i would feel  that I was writing into a void, that he didn't really care whether i wrote or not. As often as not, i let things go unsaid that probably should have been said. 

I want my husband to know me, i want to tell him the thoughts I have, and how I feel, and what has occured to me.  What i am learning is that i also want to be able to control that message very tightly.  I want to craft it and spin it and shape the way it is presented.  I can do all of that in writing, not as well as people who actually write well- but moreso certainly than face to face or under cross examination. 

My husbands's strong preference is and has always been for face to face, real, old-fashioned, talking.  Second choice would be by phone - if we are apart. Fairly early in ttwd, he started to expect me to talk to him when he asked questions, he wouldn't allow me to blow him off, as i often had.  He also expected me to really talk to him on the phone, instead of multi-tasking or grunting one word answers.   Most recently, in response to my kinda wild meltdown, he started something new.  Each night, as we go to bed, I have to tell him one thing about my thinking about my submission, several things if he has been out of town.  It has to be truthful, significant, and something he didn't already know.   And this is hard, so much harder than I would have ever imagined. 

I am finding that, as I write, I think about  the composition, the syntax, the appearance of the thing, how I want the point to come out.  When I tell him something face to face, the internal dialog is also about how it will sound, how it might be interpreted.  But, being there in front of him creates another backtalk in my head that my intention may not have been exactly what I had thought.  That voice questions my motivation for the initial message as well as whatever spin i am trying to put on it, and then I have to expain that also. 

Above and beyond all those convolutions, the fact he is demanding this of me, that it is such a personal subject, and the fact that I don't already know how he feels about the topic, make me feel small, silly, vulnerable, at risk of rejection or ridicule, and very, very submissive.  It is working: I tell him things I should, rather than let them sink back down into the murky depths somewhere; I examine my feelings and motivations more honestly; it reassures me that he cares very much about what i think; and it reinforces or re-establishes our dynamic in a small way at the end of each day. 


  1. OMG, I am exactly the same way when it comes to talking to Brandon face to face. Sometimes even when I write something out I end up deleting it because, later when I can show it to him, I feel silly about what I wrote, or I no longer have the courage to let him read it. I have a huge fear that he will ridicule me or not validate my feelings about something, not purposefully, but accidentally.

    I totally get how you feel.



  2. Crafting that open communication is SO much more difficult than any other aspect of these relationships. I have the same difficulty when trying to tell W something face to face. Putting it on paper, helps me "order" my thoughts. That way I'm less apt to trip over myself, and better able to say what I mean.
    I'm glad it is working out for you.

  3. Your evening ritual sounds perfect. A small act of submission, of sharing something each day is such a good idea. Maybe it's one of those practice makes perfect things and will make sharing feelings easier over time.

  4. I completely agree with serenity in her praise of this methodology. It is much easier to write it out, craft it, package it, but sitting down and saying it, face to face offers him a more real view, and puts you in the position to simply say it, short and sweet and direct.

    I think it is going to reinforce your dynamic in not such a very small way, I think that in short order it will bring about a fundamental change.

  5. What a clever Dominant your husband is.

  6. Alice,
    Thank you. I never ever guessed that just talkign to my husband could be so difficult.

    I know what you mena abotu "ordering my thoughts" - i just ended up censoring and editing more than ordering. I imagine that as we grow, this will change again.

    I hadn't really thought of it in that term, as a ritual - but i see that you are right. I hope you're right about the sharing getting easier too.

    I know it has beena positive so far, I'm intrigued....

    Sir J,
    He has his moments.

  7. GG, first of all I think you write beautifully. You write as if you are talking and that to me is the best way to write, especially on a blog. I have the same difficulty telling my husband the very same things that I write about on my blog. For me too, the writing comes much easier. I so love that your husband is helping you in this way, and that it makes you feel so submissive is a lovely reinforcement of your dynamic, though it is at the same time meant to build you up and improve your relationship. I think this is so terrific!

  8. Elysia,
    Thank you. It has started a different feel to things.