Wednesday, September 22, 2010

if only i could hold onto it

All those different things I described in my last post, that submissive feeling - I really wish I could find a way to hold onto it. 

When he is out of town, I still handle all the things I need to handle, all the day to day stuff.  My routine and caring for my children, our home, my work, all still are seen to and taken care of.  Except for sleeping - I don't sleep when he is gone, and I am not a person who functions well on little sleep. 

But out of sight is indeed out of mind and his influence, his control, my feeling of balance and of being connected to him very much wane as he is gone.  I become a different me, in charge and efficient, businesslike and busy, even and especially with him when we do talk on the phone.  I end up being not particularly nice or loving, and certainly not submissive. 

I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that I am so much better off with his control of me, with my needing him.  And I do wish I could float along in that very contented, slightly erotic, at peace, and submissive state of mind all the time.  In this case though, I believe that I need to find a way to keep myself pointed the right direction. No one can live in the sunshine and daisies all the time.  I need to remind myself that he is still who he is and I am me and our relationship is what it is, no matter the geography.  And I need to then act that way. 


  1. I can really related to what you are saying. Even though Brad is rarely physically gone, when he is really tired he disconnects from the rest of us. It's hard for me to maintain the dynamic that feels good when I don't feel connected.

  2. could you have some kind of physical prompt/reminder? like a braclet or something that he puts on you when he leaves, and only removes when he gets back? sort of symbolic of him 'locking you up safe' sort of thing?
    that might help keep you feeling submissive to him?
    and he could insist you great him with certain phrases when you talk on the phone, to keep you respecful and loving?

  3. I know that feeling all too well... and Asha only needs to be gone a short while for it to start. I think I'd be in the same state you're in though if he was gone for days at a time. I'm working on ways to maintain the submissive feeling on my own while he's at work, though... if I figure something out I'll let ya know.



  4. Ally,
    I think that must be much harder - the frustration of having someone physically present but disconnected anyhow. Out of twon for work is somethign that needs to happen, i think that helps.

    Thats a great idea, especially how i speak to him on the phone. That's when i am the worst, if his call interrupts something i can be really rude.

    That has to be a huge transition for you, actually for your whole family. it's a good thing though, right? good luck.

  5. perhaps instead of having him interrupt you could set a designated time he would call so you would be prepared and have something to look forward to.