distracted

He was just out of the shower and asked me a question.  It was a mundane question - completely un-erotic, uninteresting, but something i needed to think about to decide.
He stood in front of me and opened his robe, guided my head into place.  I soooo love this:  gently nudging with my tongue, drawing him in, creating contact all around then expanding my mouth so he grows into the space, feeling him grow into that space, caressing with my tongue, then opening further as he demands more.

I'm so content here, no thoughts, no questions.
Then he pulled back - huh?

He held my head right there - literally just out of reach of the tip of my tongue
"Are your eyes closed?? Open them!  No - look right there!  Now answer the question!"

Seriously?  Really?  Not a chance my brain is going to manage that.

Again that sweet feeling - soft skin, so firm, filling my mouth, into my throat, him guiding my head, a little faster, a little deeper.....

Then pulled back - right there - so close - but out of reach.

"Answer the question!!"

I struggled and fumbled, such a stupid question, should not be this difficult.  Finally I managed a semblance of a useful answer. 

And he walked away, with a smirk on his face.

balance and entropy

I do wonder, every once in awhile, if I would remain so interested, involved, submissive maybe - if I were always satisfied.  If my sexual hunger were always appeased, if I were fed as much pain (and more) as i daydream about, if our lives could revolve around just dominating and submitting and all that stuff - would I still attend to it, crave it, enjoy it, or even tolerate it.  I think probably not.  I think there is absolutely something very motivating about being hungry for more.

Of course - i think there's a risk to being disappointed too often also.

I do want it to ramp up and up and up - to live the fantasy, see how far it can all go.  That is obviously not really teneable, or sustainable; it's probably not even very smart.  It sounds like and addiction actually - not so much a healthy way to live. 

I am so glad I'm not the one in charge of deciding where that balance point is. 

Of course I have to give some honest indication of whether I feel too far off the mark - off in one direction or the other.

And of course it's a moving target - every change to the system - whether to maintain it or realign it - alters the system and its dynamics.  Even leaving it alone is obviously going to change the system - it has entropy  it will wind down and lose energy if not pushed or pulled. 

Sometimes it gets off balance for no apparent reason at all.

Soooo glad it's not my job. 

thwarted

I came to bed with clothes on - very sexy flannel pj's and an even sexier sweatshirt.

btw - it's been a hard and fast rule, since forever - no clothes in bed - there are very few exceptions, even in the 57 degree bedroom with no flannel sheets (I know - poor me - he will actutally lie on my side of the bed to warm it for me if i wait to get in - he's a nice guy)

so - i was feeling something - horny, needy, bratty, wound up, wanting attention, wanting to play - nothing serious or intense - just play.  To him - i imagine i was giggly, annoying, irritating and - well - bratty.

I thought, hoped, he might want to "punish" me for being bratty.

No Go.  Deadpan -  he warned, gave threatening looks, warned again, put his glasses back on.  Deadly serious -  he asked me if i liked that particualar sweatshirt? more than him? and began to roll over with his back to me.

So very much not the response i was hoping for.  Of course i took the clothes off.  I really, really don't want to be shut out - esp in bed. 

And of course he decided i should make myself useful to him, which i did - and which always leaves me turned on and needier - and completely unsatisfied (unless you think that being of service to him should be satisfaction in and of itself - and sure, it is, but not of the kind i was looking for exactly)

And really - i knew absolutely it would go this way - never a doubt in my mind - it would have been inconsistent with everything i know about him for him to have done anything else.

So why do i try????

everything cookies

Thanks to Jz for putting this all together.  All the other virtual cookie sharers are listed at the end - have a taste....

This is my sister's recipe.  She swore me to never give it away to anyone. 
If she reads it here - she will be angry enough to let me know about it.
Of course - if she reads it here and recognizes it's me - she'll be an awful lot of other things before she ever gets around to angry. 

** Even my kitchen-aide has to really work hard to handle a full batch - so half at a time might be ideal.

2c butter- room temp
2c sugar
2c brown sugar
....................cream these together in mixer
then add............
4 eggs
2 tsp vanilla
...................cream it all some more
then add..............
4c flour (half all purpose, half whole wheat works)
3c rolled oats
1tsp salt
2 tsp baking powder
2 tsp baking soda
...................mix it all up some more
then add.......
12 oz chocolate chips
 8 oz hershey bar - grated
2 c chopped nuts (walnuts, pecans)
12 oz bag of heath chips (crumbled heath bars, or toffee and milk chocolate)
mix it all together, whisper encouraging words to the motor on your mixer.......
........spoon dough onto a cookie sheet just like toll house cookies
........bake 10 min at 375 F  (or eat it raw and freeze some raw dough for later)



Alice
Ally
Cultivated Discipline
Elysia
Externally Motivated Wife
Hedone
Kirsti
Jz
Kelly Red
Molly and Mick
mouse
nilla
Sara
selkie (NB- recipe posted chez Jz, though!)
sephani paige
sin
Striving for Peace
Tempting Sweets
turiya
Xantu

balking

It is ironic that Jz published this post a few days ago.  This sort of circumstance came up for me - for us. 

I had, for the first time I think, been able to tell him directly what I felt like i wanted.  I had asked him, nicely of course, to please push me harder the next time we were able to play.  So, all day, he had been feeding me promises and tastes of what he planned for that night. This was new and I was very apprehensive and wondering (oh s**t) what i had gotten myself in for.  [ know - just exactly what i asked for - go figure.]

I think that the prolonged nervousness was a big part of why i was unable to tolerate much at all right from the start.  That happens to me every once in awhile, and in the past i have just buried my face in a pillow and waited for my mind to catch up to where it needs to be.  But he had done somethign differently also - it was a small, innocuous thing, about the environment, not even really related to what he was doing to me.   But it set me off completely.  It made me furious.  It only took me a few seconds to realize it was much too much like something my father had always done.  In this context I couldn't handle it.  I lost it and rolled away and just said,  "I can't." 

Usually if I'm not restrained, he expects me to stay still, if i do squirm, he waits a bit, puts a hand on my back, then demands I stay still.  He realized this was different and he stopped.  He listened to me and asked more questions and waited for me calm down and figure it out and explain it to him.  He laid down with me and reassured me (and changed the thing that had bothered me).  Then he started again - different pain, in different ways in different areas, with pleasure too this time. Back and forth.  He build up to what he had been wanting to do before - not as intesely I'm sure, but some. 

I'm glad he stopped -and I'm glad he went back to it. 

I believe he doesn't want to see me in psychological pain, or to be angry, at least not by the time it's over.  He wants me to be with him in this and responding the way he likes me to respond - sometimes that means I'm angry initially, certainly in physical pain, to have marks, to be in tears and to be spent - but also to be very aroused,  and to be in that incredibly connected, focused on him, and completely responsive headspace.  

I know this goes against lots of peoples' ideas about submission or dominance.  Maybe it is "service topping," or letting the sub really be in control, or just playing around, not doing it right at all - whatever.  For us, it is part of us learning each other and ourselves, and it is how the trust is built.  

I didn't know that this thing that he did would bother me, certainly not to that degree.  Now I do know, and so does he.  And it helps both of us understand a bit more about why certain patterns have existed in hte past. 

It reinforced for me that i should be honest with him, that he doesn't see it as a failure on my part, that he won't just throw up his hands and walk away, that he will even go back to what he was doing if and when it is right.  It shows me that i can trust myself to distinguish real distress from the feeling of being pushed in an appropriate way.  And it shows me that he can make that distinction too.

It shows him he can trust me to let him know when i am in distress, that i will be honest with myself and with him about it.  This lets him know he can push more, maybe with more confidence - because he knows i won't try to play martyr, but also that i won't cry wolf. 

This also opened up room for me to talk about other things that had been only half formed in my mind.  He is interested in breath play, but i consider it a hard limit.  I am slowly finding myself (cautiously) intrigued by it, just peeking from between the fingers closed over my eyes at the idea.  I have to believe that building up trust is the way to move towards being able to explore this kind of limit. 

yes ...but

Someone suggested to me some time ago that eliminating a certain phrase from my vocabulary may be a helpful thing to the peace and harmony of my marriage, and would maybe be more a appropriate way of speaking, you know, as a submissive and all...  Interestingly, it wasn't a suggestion to cut out "no."  That isn't actually a big thing for me - for whatever reason- I just never said no to him a lot, well, except in one area, and that is solved now. 

Could I at least try to reduce the "no's" from my responses to him even further - of course i could,,,,,,but, then.....

Could I try to go along with my husband without disagreeing or naysaying - yes, i think i can,,,,,,,,but, what if.....

Wouldn't it be more appropriate if i would learn to be more agreeable, to go along more easily, to submit more graciously - sure it would,,,,,,,but, really don't you think.......

So - guess what phrase needed to go????

I have worked on this.  However you word it - but, except, although, however, on the other hand - it is an argument and is not at all the same as saying yes.  It is sometimes just a backhanded way of saying no.  And I had been - I am - very good at it.  Consciously stopping myself at the point of arguing has indeed changed the way i respond to him.  I'm not sure he has noticed specifically that i have changed this speech pattern, but i do think he has noticed that I am (at least marginally) more agreeable, and less argumentative, and more - well - in this case - submissive. 

Contract??

It's a question day today.

This is something I have wondered about in the past a few times, but I never felt like I got any closer to an answer.  It is one of those things in which "life goes on," maybe even just fine, if it is set aside and not dealt with; but it is certainly a case of not making a choice being a choice in itself. 

Mouse's post about "is it a lifestyle if it is how you live every day, all the time?" got me thinking.  Of course the questions it raised in my mind are very different from what I'm sure she was thinking about.  We are different people in different situations.  I very much want to avoid the 'label ourselves' aspect of that question.  Do we fit "the lifestyle?" What lifestyle?  What would we call ourselves to try to decide if we fit?  I've tried that in the past and it just doesn't work, and I don't think there is a point.  

Which is not to say there is no point to us trying to define ourselves to each other. Which leads to the question at hand.  Should we sit down and try to define ourselves to each other/with each other?  I have either asked him to take control of me or offered to cede control to him - maybe i should ponder which someday.  Either way - he agreed and has taken that control.  If I mean that - then there really is no reason to discuss anything - he decides what/how we are, I follow.  In a bit different way of looking at it, when we got married, we didn't negotiate and define the whole thing, we agreed to stick around and work out whatever came along.  This is just a slightly different way of working out whatever comes along. 

What's to discuss if we can't predict what will come our way, and have agreed about how we will handle it anyhow?  On the other hand, I have heard very convincing arguments that the process of sitting down and doing the work of articulating how each person sees the power exchange, what we each expect, want, need, can live with, is a worthwhile process in and of itself.  It would involve serious self reflection and discovery, learning about each other, clarifying our mutual understanding of the relationship, etc. 

Which leads to the question of having a contract or not.  I have read arguments on both sides of the question of having a contract.   There are legal arguments that it maybe protects him  if somehow he were accused of abuse; or that it doesn't at all so it doesn't matter.  I've read that giving him power is just that, and that there is therefore nothing to negotiate or write down, anything and everything is already covered.   Other sources say it is important to lay out and agree to limits and expectations and general structure.   I really don't know the answer to these.

There is, I think, probably a lot of truth to the argument that the process of trying to define our dynamic to ourselves would be a worthwhile exercise.  On the other hand, it feels strange to think about trying to parse out our relationship after so many years of just being together. 

playing games - one version

There is this little game we play - actually i guess i play - it doesn't seem to be a game for him:

As long as we have known each other - or at least as long as we have been intimate  - if he walks in on me just out of the shower, or changing my clothes,  he insists on having a feel - or a nibble.   And because he is all about symmetry - he can't do just one side.  He has to hold, pinch, squeeze or suck on both breasts - he always has. 

For reasons that have to do with things from my childhood - i've always been very uncomfortable with this.  He knew that - we talked about it.   Other things that made me more uncomfortable, he let alone - but this he pushed.  Sometimes he just pushed, sometimes he pushed me more explicitly to accept that it was him not my past, that it was him loving me, loving my body.  Of course that didn't help - i didn't love my body and didn't see why he should either. 

Prior to "going ttwd" (what on earth do you call that transition), when he would push - i would sometimes laugh it off, sometimes get pissy, sometimes it caused a lot of hurt feelings all around.  Since ttwd, I  have agreed to do what he says - I've agreed to that in all aspects of our life, but certainly in our sex life and regarding my body.  Yet, in this small thing, I still resist him, almost every time.  I bat his hands away, or cover myself, or turn away. 

And every time - he insists, except now there are consequences.  Now i am made to put my hands on my head and stand still and quietly watch him and accept him doing this.  And if i resist, he hurts them first, then proceeds.  He asks me every time why i still resist this and i have not been able to answer him.  So this is my attempt to try to figure it out. 

I know my past - i know that this is not the same thing at all - I believe that this recognition invalidates any excuse i have to fall back on my past as a cop out.  I have a responsibility to be honest with myself and with him about what is real and what is not. This is here, and now, and him - not then or there or anyone else.   

Yes - on some level i want and need pain, at least certian kinds of pain - but i don't think it is a matter of seeking the pain by provoking this punishment.  Or maybe it is a component, maybe it is a simple stimulus/response conditioning thing.  I can say ow - that hurts - stop - please don't - but I'm not really sure it isn't a positive feedback on some level. 

I also recognize that the simple act of having me stand and wait and watch him touch me, fondle or pinch or kiss or even nibble my breasts - even though it is a small, normal, even nice thing he is doing, between us - in our context - is a huge act of control and being controlled, even of humiliation to some degree.  We haven't explored humiliation at all - but i know that his control is something i actively seek - so maybe that is part of my motivation.

There is a feeling i get when we are locked in this exchange - and I know i have always had it and now i recognize it,  whereas before it just upset me and added to my discomfort.  It is being made to submit.  It is knowing i will, and knowing i will then feel very submissive - at least for that brief moment.  It is wondering if he will really insist, this time; hoping he will, needing him to. 

I don't know if any of this will help him understand, or make any difference.  Maybe this pattern, this thing between us serves a purpose as is, maybe it is needed, for now - or maybe it would be better to move onto other things.  I know that isn't my decision.  Maybe it's not even my place to wonder.  Except that i am submissive, which is not the same as lacking in intelligence or self awareness or curiosity.  So i do wonder, even if i don't control.