Saturday, December 11, 2010

yes ...but

Someone suggested to me some time ago that eliminating a certain phrase from my vocabulary may be a helpful thing to the peace and harmony of my marriage, and would maybe be more a appropriate way of speaking, you know, as a submissive and all...  Interestingly, it wasn't a suggestion to cut out "no."  That isn't actually a big thing for me - for whatever reason- I just never said no to him a lot, well, except in one area, and that is solved now. 

Could I at least try to reduce the "no's" from my responses to him even further - of course i could,,,,,,but, then.....

Could I try to go along with my husband without disagreeing or naysaying - yes, i think i can,,,,,,,,but, what if.....

Wouldn't it be more appropriate if i would learn to be more agreeable, to go along more easily, to submit more graciously - sure it would,,,,,,,but, really don't you think.......

So - guess what phrase needed to go????

I have worked on this.  However you word it - but, except, although, however, on the other hand - it is an argument and is not at all the same as saying yes.  It is sometimes just a backhanded way of saying no.  And I had been - I am - very good at it.  Consciously stopping myself at the point of arguing has indeed changed the way i respond to him.  I'm not sure he has noticed specifically that i have changed this speech pattern, but i do think he has noticed that I am (at least marginally) more agreeable, and less argumentative, and more - well - in this case - submissive. 


  1. Greengirl,

    Great post! I will to give this some thought and notice how often I do this.


  2. Great post - and I have a (maybe) helpful suggestion. Um not that you asked for suggestions... but I can't resist.

    Try changing your "but" to "and." So you'd say - for example - "Yes, I can try harder AND it's really hard." "Yes, I think can submit more graciously, and what if I end up... (or) and I'm worried that... whatever."

    Ok, now that I've said it, maybe it doesn't make it different - but I practice doing it most of the time so that things aren't dichotomous and conflictual. It feels different to me.

    And in any case, neat post. Thanks.


  3. Hi, gg. i think aisha is onto something.

    Padrone wants to hear when i have a legitimate problem with obedience, or even something to input into a conversation or a decision for him to make. If i do so in a... resistant way, then of course it is not as effective as when it is said without sounding resistant.

    Padrone has always told me that i am free to say anything to him as long as it is said respectfully. That one word is what triggered my own journey into thinking how i phrased things, because it isn't the things we say, oftentimes, it is how we say them, that cause the most problems in a relationship.

    i'm loving reading your thoughts, gg. i love how you're allowing D/s into your relationship!


  4. Serenity,
    thanks. I certainly don't want to imply i no longer argue - but it takes more thinking - so i can more often slow myself down enough to be more reasoned about it. adn i still have my just plain not-so-pleasant times too.

    I hadn't thought about the inherent contraditions aspect of it. I like the word conflictual. It does describe maybe the expressing my concerns vs. just arguing.

    I think that's in exactly - that i express myself not in a resistant way. I never doubt that he wants to hear my thoughts or what is going on in my head, as long as i can actually express that. I'm still learning. And thanks - i appreciate your support.

  5. "but"

    Using this word carefully has to do with power and influence.

    In a vanilla context I too was advised to substitute "and".

    It stopped those who expected to be in power in this situation feeling antagonised - so ultimately giving me more influence.

    "and" implies acquiescence whereas "but" implies conflict - though of course after each word one can say exactly the same thing.

    But ...



  6. Pygar,
    I am seeing the point about "and" vs. "but". Less antogonistic is good. Honest communication of thoughts and wishes is good. I don't believe I should acquiesce automatically to everything - I do believe I should stop myself from reacting negatively or in a backhanded way - which i think "but" probably does in many cases. I wonder if using "and" instead is fundamentally different, or is it a word game or manipulation that belongs in some settings more than it does here. Thank you for the added context.