Wednesday, December 1, 2010

playing games - one version

There is this little game we play - actually i guess i play - it doesn't seem to be a game for him:

As long as we have known each other - or at least as long as we have been intimate  - if he walks in on me just out of the shower, or changing my clothes,  he insists on having a feel - or a nibble.   And because he is all about symmetry - he can't do just one side.  He has to hold, pinch, squeeze or suck on both breasts - he always has. 

For reasons that have to do with things from my childhood - i've always been very uncomfortable with this.  He knew that - we talked about it.   Other things that made me more uncomfortable, he let alone - but this he pushed.  Sometimes he just pushed, sometimes he pushed me more explicitly to accept that it was him not my past, that it was him loving me, loving my body.  Of course that didn't help - i didn't love my body and didn't see why he should either. 

Prior to "going ttwd" (what on earth do you call that transition), when he would push - i would sometimes laugh it off, sometimes get pissy, sometimes it caused a lot of hurt feelings all around.  Since ttwd, I  have agreed to do what he says - I've agreed to that in all aspects of our life, but certainly in our sex life and regarding my body.  Yet, in this small thing, I still resist him, almost every time.  I bat his hands away, or cover myself, or turn away. 

And every time - he insists, except now there are consequences.  Now i am made to put my hands on my head and stand still and quietly watch him and accept him doing this.  And if i resist, he hurts them first, then proceeds.  He asks me every time why i still resist this and i have not been able to answer him.  So this is my attempt to try to figure it out. 

I know my past - i know that this is not the same thing at all - I believe that this recognition invalidates any excuse i have to fall back on my past as a cop out.  I have a responsibility to be honest with myself and with him about what is real and what is not. This is here, and now, and him - not then or there or anyone else.   

Yes - on some level i want and need pain, at least certian kinds of pain - but i don't think it is a matter of seeking the pain by provoking this punishment.  Or maybe it is a component, maybe it is a simple stimulus/response conditioning thing.  I can say ow - that hurts - stop - please don't - but I'm not really sure it isn't a positive feedback on some level. 

I also recognize that the simple act of having me stand and wait and watch him touch me, fondle or pinch or kiss or even nibble my breasts - even though it is a small, normal, even nice thing he is doing, between us - in our context - is a huge act of control and being controlled, even of humiliation to some degree.  We haven't explored humiliation at all - but i know that his control is something i actively seek - so maybe that is part of my motivation.

There is a feeling i get when we are locked in this exchange - and I know i have always had it and now i recognize it,  whereas before it just upset me and added to my discomfort.  It is being made to submit.  It is knowing i will, and knowing i will then feel very submissive - at least for that brief moment.  It is wondering if he will really insist, this time; hoping he will, needing him to. 

I don't know if any of this will help him understand, or make any difference.  Maybe this pattern, this thing between us serves a purpose as is, maybe it is needed, for now - or maybe it would be better to move onto other things.  I know that isn't my decision.  Maybe it's not even my place to wonder.  Except that i am submissive, which is not the same as lacking in intelligence or self awareness or curiosity.  So i do wonder, even if i don't control. 


  1. In my own experience I've found that the resistance to his touch and control has very much to do with a desire to resist the abuse as a child and being too small and weak to stop it. It's that part of your brain telling you "you don't have to accept it now... you can fight cause you're no longer small and weak".

    I mean intellectually you know it's not a bad thing and that you are with someone who loves you, but it takes a bit longer for your mind to heal and accept it all. And it certainly isn't going to happen over night. I think the first step though is knowing that it IS okay and that you're not in danger any longer. Until you get to that point it quite often can just feel like the abuse all over again.

    Of course coming to that realization is only the start... I mean it's been well over a year for me now since I've really started accepting his touch as "a good thing" intellectually and even now I still resist it. I get angry. I push him away. And he does the same as you're hubby... he makes me put my arms behind my head and just accept it while telling me how beautiful I am and that I'm safe with him and things of that nature.

    I will say, it does start to get easier after a while. I've gotten to a point where some of the time I'll automatically move my arms out of the way and let him touch. I don't "enjoy" it yet, but it's not as bad as it was. And there have been a few times I've actually wanted him to touch me. Still I didn't enjoy it as much as I thought I should when he did, but it's slowly getting better.

    Just give it time... I think your hubby is going about it the right way and eventually you will get to a point to where it's not such a bad thing anymore... and maybe one day you'll even love having him touch you that way.



  2. turiya,
    thank you - i know you have been dealing with this in a much bigger way than i. I don't know why, although i have some guesses, but for me this one thing specifically is different than others. it is interesting to me that when i wrote this i was pretty sure the reasons had to do with pain or control or something like that - over the course of the day i am coming to think there may be more to it. I appreciate your advice.

  3. GG - You know, I hesitate to say anything here - afraid that I'll make your situation worse - and I mostly agree with the things turiya said. But you know, working with trauma survivors, especially sexual abuse survivors, is my thing.

    I think - emphasis on think - because I am not experienced in ttwd and survivor issues - but I think maybe one thing you could think about trying is just being ok with what you feel. He's going to keep doing what he's doing, and that's ok, but you don't have to try to change how you feel about it. You don't have to act on the feelings either. Just claim them, notice them, own them, and let them be.

    My best guess is that part of the problem may be related to the "get over it" messages you may be hearing - and that often triggers the need to hang onto the feelings for reasons that are way too complicated for a comment...

    E-mail me if you want to, ok? But either way - you are entitled to your feelings. They belong to you. They may be connected to the past, but you're feeling them in the present - and that's ok.



    P.S. Hope I'm not out of line here - if I am, tell me, ok????

  4. Thank you. Not out of line at all. It is funny - I didn't expect this post to end up being about that - i really was, as i was writing it, really thinking it was about all kinds of other things. Maybe not though. Maybe this is something other people see better from the outside than i do from within.

    Either way - maybe i have some work to do, but really - I'm ok overall.

  5. In my opinion, many women have some sort of an issue about being touched somewhere. I had four babies who suckled away, sometimes bit, sometimes caused sore nipples and it made me a bit protective about my breasts. My husband does what your husband does almost exactly and I have learned to let go and cede control to him and by doing that, I have learned to enjoy the touch; even to look for and welcome even more than touch with regard to my breasts.

    Personally, I didn't see it as a control issue but rather a comfort issue - and if he had never insisted I would still be wrapped up in my discomfort. I think that is what a good dom does - gets a girl over her barriers.

    You're definitely ok overall!

  6. Vesta,
    I hadn't thought about that, but I think you are exactly right. I only had two children, but while they were nursing, and even for a good while after, I had too much physical contact every day. And it was very needy contact. I do remember not wanting to be touched at all by my husband quite often, in any context. I think you are exactly right about getting over barriers. I have always believed that only i could make changes to my self, to overcome barriers like this. I am startign to believe that maybe it is something i can follow him through, rather than my way.

    It is interesting that at least three separate Doms do such a similar thing - how do they know??