There is this little game we play - actually i guess i play - it doesn't seem to be a game for him:
As long as we have known each other - or at least as long as we have been intimate - if he walks in on me just out of the shower, or changing my clothes, he insists on having a feel - or a nibble. And because he is all about symmetry - he can't do just one side. He has to hold, pinch, squeeze or suck on both breasts - he always has.
For reasons that have to do with things from my childhood - i've always been very uncomfortable with this. He knew that - we talked about it. Other things that made me more uncomfortable, he let alone - but this he pushed. Sometimes he just pushed, sometimes he pushed me more explicitly to accept that it was him not my past, that it was him loving me, loving my body. Of course that didn't help - i didn't love my body and didn't see why he should either.
Prior to "going ttwd" (what on earth do you call that transition), when he would push - i would sometimes laugh it off, sometimes get pissy, sometimes it caused a lot of hurt feelings all around. Since ttwd, I have agreed to do what he says - I've agreed to that in all aspects of our life, but certainly in our sex life and regarding my body. Yet, in this small thing, I still resist him, almost every time. I bat his hands away, or cover myself, or turn away.
And every time - he insists, except now there are consequences. Now i am made to put my hands on my head and stand still and quietly watch him and accept him doing this. And if i resist, he hurts them first, then proceeds. He asks me every time why i still resist this and i have not been able to answer him. So this is my attempt to try to figure it out.
I know my past - i know that this is not the same thing at all - I believe that this recognition invalidates any excuse i have to fall back on my past as a cop out. I have a responsibility to be honest with myself and with him about what is real and what is not. This is here, and now, and him - not then or there or anyone else.
Yes - on some level i want and need pain, at least certian kinds of pain - but i don't think it is a matter of seeking the pain by provoking this punishment. Or maybe it is a component, maybe it is a simple stimulus/response conditioning thing. I can say ow - that hurts - stop - please don't - but I'm not really sure it isn't a positive feedback on some level.
I also recognize that the simple act of having me stand and wait and watch him touch me, fondle or pinch or kiss or even nibble my breasts - even though it is a small, normal, even nice thing he is doing, between us - in our context - is a huge act of control and being controlled, even of humiliation to some degree. We haven't explored humiliation at all - but i know that his control is something i actively seek - so maybe that is part of my motivation.
There is a feeling i get when we are locked in this exchange - and I know i have always had it and now i recognize it, whereas before it just upset me and added to my discomfort. It is being made to submit. It is knowing i will, and knowing i will then feel very submissive - at least for that brief moment. It is wondering if he will really insist, this time; hoping he will, needing him to.
I don't know if any of this will help him understand, or make any difference. Maybe this pattern, this thing between us serves a purpose as is, maybe it is needed, for now - or maybe it would be better to move onto other things. I know that isn't my decision. Maybe it's not even my place to wonder. Except that i am submissive, which is not the same as lacking in intelligence or self awareness or curiosity. So i do wonder, even if i don't control.