It's a question day today.
This is something I have wondered about in the past a few times, but I never felt like I got any closer to an answer. It is one of those things in which "life goes on," maybe even just fine, if it is set aside and not dealt with; but it is certainly a case of not making a choice being a choice in itself.
Mouse's post about "is it a lifestyle if it is how you live every day, all the time?" got me thinking. Of course the questions it raised in my mind are very different from what I'm sure she was thinking about. We are different people in different situations. I very much want to avoid the 'label ourselves' aspect of that question. Do we fit "the lifestyle?" What lifestyle? What would we call ourselves to try to decide if we fit? I've tried that in the past and it just doesn't work, and I don't think there is a point.
Which is not to say there is no point to us trying to define ourselves to each other. Which leads to the question at hand. Should we sit down and try to define ourselves to each other/with each other? I have either asked him to take control of me or offered to cede control to him - maybe i should ponder which someday. Either way - he agreed and has taken that control. If I mean that - then there really is no reason to discuss anything - he decides what/how we are, I follow. In a bit different way of looking at it, when we got married, we didn't negotiate and define the whole thing, we agreed to stick around and work out whatever came along. This is just a slightly different way of working out whatever comes along.
What's to discuss if we can't predict what will come our way, and have agreed about how we will handle it anyhow? On the other hand, I have heard very convincing arguments that the process of sitting down and doing the work of articulating how each person sees the power exchange, what we each expect, want, need, can live with, is a worthwhile process in and of itself. It would involve serious self reflection and discovery, learning about each other, clarifying our mutual understanding of the relationship, etc.
Which leads to the question of having a contract or not. I have read arguments on both sides of the question of having a contract. There are legal arguments that it maybe protects him if somehow he were accused of abuse; or that it doesn't at all so it doesn't matter. I've read that giving him power is just that, and that there is therefore nothing to negotiate or write down, anything and everything is already covered. Other sources say it is important to lay out and agree to limits and expectations and general structure. I really don't know the answer to these.
There is, I think, probably a lot of truth to the argument that the process of trying to define our dynamic to ourselves would be a worthwhile exercise. On the other hand, it feels strange to think about trying to parse out our relationship after so many years of just being together.