Wednesday, December 8, 2010


It's a question day today.

This is something I have wondered about in the past a few times, but I never felt like I got any closer to an answer.  It is one of those things in which "life goes on," maybe even just fine, if it is set aside and not dealt with; but it is certainly a case of not making a choice being a choice in itself. 

Mouse's post about "is it a lifestyle if it is how you live every day, all the time?" got me thinking.  Of course the questions it raised in my mind are very different from what I'm sure she was thinking about.  We are different people in different situations.  I very much want to avoid the 'label ourselves' aspect of that question.  Do we fit "the lifestyle?" What lifestyle?  What would we call ourselves to try to decide if we fit?  I've tried that in the past and it just doesn't work, and I don't think there is a point.  

Which is not to say there is no point to us trying to define ourselves to each other. Which leads to the question at hand.  Should we sit down and try to define ourselves to each other/with each other?  I have either asked him to take control of me or offered to cede control to him - maybe i should ponder which someday.  Either way - he agreed and has taken that control.  If I mean that - then there really is no reason to discuss anything - he decides what/how we are, I follow.  In a bit different way of looking at it, when we got married, we didn't negotiate and define the whole thing, we agreed to stick around and work out whatever came along.  This is just a slightly different way of working out whatever comes along. 

What's to discuss if we can't predict what will come our way, and have agreed about how we will handle it anyhow?  On the other hand, I have heard very convincing arguments that the process of sitting down and doing the work of articulating how each person sees the power exchange, what we each expect, want, need, can live with, is a worthwhile process in and of itself.  It would involve serious self reflection and discovery, learning about each other, clarifying our mutual understanding of the relationship, etc. 

Which leads to the question of having a contract or not.  I have read arguments on both sides of the question of having a contract.   There are legal arguments that it maybe protects him  if somehow he were accused of abuse; or that it doesn't at all so it doesn't matter.  I've read that giving him power is just that, and that there is therefore nothing to negotiate or write down, anything and everything is already covered.   Other sources say it is important to lay out and agree to limits and expectations and general structure.   I really don't know the answer to these.

There is, I think, probably a lot of truth to the argument that the process of trying to define our dynamic to ourselves would be a worthwhile exercise.  On the other hand, it feels strange to think about trying to parse out our relationship after so many years of just being together. 


  1. The answers will be unique to you. But the questions indicate that something new is happening. Whatever route you take...enjoy the bloom.

  2. It's different for everyone and really depends on what you both need... but Asha's attitude is that having a contract that has no legal standing in many ways is sorta pointless... and besides (and we both agree on this) we already have a contract. It's called marriage. :)

    Seriously though... in my experience within this lifestyle I've found that those who generally have the contracts are the ones who start out with the whole dynamic from the start before really building a relationship. Most people who build the relationship first generally end up seeing little need for the contract because you sorta just know what to expect from each other... and even when things get confusing, you generally can just talk about where you each stand on it.

    Asha and I started writing these little tidbits down as we went along and call them "rules", but it's not really formalized. It's more of something for me to refer to so that I don't end up feeling overwhelmed with trying to remember everything as it comes up. So maybe what you need is to just put things down on paper and spell it out to get a better idea of where you stand and what his part in the whole relationship is?

    Is that defining the relationship? Maybe... but it's defining it according to works best for the both of you and not really on what others think TTWD should be... and in many ways it does help calm the brain from going a million miles an hour trying to sort it all out.



  3. I always think it would be fun - not sure fun's the right word, but still - fun to write a contract. Of course, I understand that there's no legal standing, it just seems like it would be an interesting exercise. Of course, I'm not in a relationship that's existed for a long time, and we started out with kink. But I'm gonna like anything that lets us explore ideas together, right?


  4. B'man,
    It's funny you should say that. Someone else commented to me that things do seem to be changing. I think it is true, and in a good way. Thank you, I am finding myself better able to sit back and enjoy, and I think he may be also.

    Absolutely, we are married above all else. I think that the point would not be to have the contract, as you say, we already have a much broader agreement. I think there might be a point to the process though - the things we would think about and discuss and learn. I did try listing the "rules" that I have now - i would tell you I don't really have many at all, but it was a longer list than i had imagined. I think he adds things slowly enough - and they are all so consistant with what I know of him, tha tthey haven't been overwhelming, yet.

    Actually, I think fun would really be part of it, and - honestly - erotic and arousing - but I'm weird that way - the whole control thing. But absolutely - I think that is exactly it - exloring ideas together - something that both allows us and compells us to be as open and honest as we possibly can (I'm weird that way too).

  5. gg, i've said and i'll say again - it isn't about roles or labels or definitions, it is all about behaviors, attitudes, and actions.

    Your relationship already has a deep level of mutual respect, obviously, it seeps through with every post you make. It is beautiful to see, frankly, because it tells me that even before you guys began this journey, you had a strong, happy relationship.

    When you got married, did you define any roles/responsibilities? Or did they simply fall into place as you learned about each other and how to move from singlehood to marriage?

    It is the same with this, as far as i can see. You're moving into a D/s type of relationship, no matter what it is called, and as long as you two talk and communicate in the ways that work for you, then you will grow into as strong a D/s relationship as you have a marriage. It is a natural, gradual, process - or that's my opinion at least.

    D/s does NOT have to have all the "trappings" that are spouted all over the internet to be successful and fulfilling. All it takes is whatever you two need, nothing more, nothing less.


  6. That's basically how our rule list is growing... very slowly just as things come up. Sometimes things even get removed when they become conflicting with other things going on in our lives at the time. It just depends. That's the thing about these types of relationships, though... they're always growing and changing.



  7. Shiava,
    Thank you. I aree that we are not looking to define this or imitae anything or his some list of criteria. I do think that a really open discussion about what each of us sees and understands and maybe expects and hopes for from the dynamic could be very useful and interesting and probably good for us. Of course - that is with the understanding that we, and hence the relationship, will grow and evolve and be - well - dynamic.