My husband said something very offhand to me the other day. I took it badly to begin with, and then chewed on it for a few days, which of course did nothing to improve it. He hadn't intended anything deep or profound or even negative with his comment, but it has brought up a lot of questions for me.
I commented to him, during a quick private moment, just a lingering hug and a few words during a really busy day, that I wanted more and more and more of him. At the time i was referring to contact, affection, the feeling of him holding me. It was clear from the context though that i also, these days, want more and more and more of Him - more control, more attention, more play, more sex, more D to my s.
His comment was that he felt it was all 'just an escape' for me, or 'an escape'. Honestly, i don't remember if he used the "just" or if i added that in my mind; and it does change the tenor of it all.
Either way - this devastated me.
It took only split seconds for me to assume he meant that none of it was real, that it was a game, some extended role-playing or a fantasy i was weaving myself into. Which of course meant that it wasn't real for him, he's just playing along. I want it to be real, I had believed it was. I had believed it was growing and evolving, but was a good way for us to live, to live our lives and our marriage and our family - all of it "for real."
Even worse, it meant that he felt that i was interested in sex with him only as an escape from reality - that i'm not really there with him in that time, that he believed i wander off somewhere else during times that i actually feel most with him.
How did we get so far apart in our understanding?
I spent most of my childhood escaping - mostly through books, but also through the worlds and adventures I built in my imagination. Of course I still read, and it is still an escape. Actually, he does too, voraciously. For both of us, beyond simply taking us momentarily out of our current reality, reading enriches our imaginations, conceptualizations, and understandings of ourselves and our lives.
I recognize that blogs and erotic stories and even facebook are all escape, on a lot of levels in fact. I can take them all at my own pace, especiallly mentally. I can control the input, the noise, and invest just as much mental energy as i want, or not. For me, though, they are also learning, and expanding my ideas, and even keeping in contact. But they are absolutely escape from more mundane or unpleasant things, or from noisy things or things which dicate how much effort is required of me. Sometimes this is good and useful, sometimes i would be better off facing the more mundane or unpleasant, or noisy.
The fact is, I want to be really engaged in my life. I generally really like my life. I like challenges, and there are a lot of exciting challenges for me right now. I have a good life - I dont really want to escape it - well maybe sometimes I want to get away from the teenagerness that pervades the household - but otherwise - I didn't feel i was looking to escape this life.
Eventually he and I were able to talk about this. Actually, first he had to explain, convince me - again - that he isn't just playing along - that he is really in this too. I do have to figure out how to vanquish that demon once and for all.
We talked about what he had meant, the ways in which escaping can be seen as a good thing, that I escape to him, or that we escape to each other. That it is a good thing that i want to run off with him, so to speak. That it is good for both of us to have breaks from the everday of our lives to just be with each other - in all the ways we do that.
He pointed out that he runs- for his health - but mostly as a way to escape - literally to escape the house or work, but also mentally to be free to roam. It is obvious when he isn't able to run as much that this habit, this escape, is good for him.
So yes, it is an escape for me. It isn't just an escape though.
And yes - i do want more and more and more.