We talk each night he is home- after we get in bed. He started this some time ago and I still find it the most difficult of the things he asks me to do, and the one that has had the biggest impact on our relationship. On the rare occasions we are together but not able to do this, i feel a pang of worry and a bit adrift.
He is looking for my absolutely honest thoughts and feelings about him, about us, about my submission. It is hard for me to bring him my thoughts in this way because I feel that what iIbring him is mostly negative. The good stuff is easy, I tell him along the way, all day long. My doubts and worries and misunderstandings and anything i perceive as a critique of him gets pushed down and put aside, but eventually has to come out.
Sometimes I have good things to say too though.
A few nights ago I explained to him that I felt an internal shift in myself. I am typically a worrier. I mull over details trying to parse out their meanings and hidden implications. I get mired down in the minutae of what I did or didn't do, what he did or didn't do, how things should have gone or should be. You get the picture....
But recently I find myself taking a longer view and seeing the bigger picture. I have no idea why this shift occurred, but it has allowed me to feel much more comfortable with everything. I can see the details, and I address them if they need to be addressed, but they don't paralyze me. I feel comfortable with us, I am relaxed with what we are here and now and I look forward to our future. I feel a better balance between the ttwd aspects of us and our everyday life, family life, and work lives. [Of course there is a tiny part of my brain that worrries that there is something I ought to be worrying about, something I am missing.]
It seems that this shift in my way of seeing things has affected what I see as well. Last night, I told him I felt like he was changing the way he interacted with me, small things and subtle, but clearer to me, more in control of me, better for me. I listed several situations or things he had said that seemed different to me, just easier and more natural. He said he was glad I was seeing this, but that he hadn't changed anything: he had been doing those things for some time, I had just now noticed.
I keep circling back to this, I know. But each circle back, I think, is to a little bit deeper kind of understanding of it. On one level, the message is: "it really does all fall into place and work so much better if I stop trying to figure it out and listen to him." But I think that's not quite it; I think maybe I can relax and just be me, and know that me being me is what he wants and know that where it isn't what he wants, he will step in.