Thursday, January 27, 2011

should I wonder?

Do other people wonder what's inside his (or her) head?   Wonder what he's up to?  Not to try to second guess, in the sense of criticize or tear down, but to just wonder? 

I can't shut my brain off.  I wonder. Why did he do that?  What was going through his mind then?  I wonder what he meant by that?   How does he feel about this?  What should i read into what he said or did?  What's the plan?  Where is it all going? 

These thoughts come into my head completely unbidden, before I even realize they are on the way, they've fully formed, and connected with other thoughts, and gone through three iterations of analysis.

Of course we talk, and of course he will answer my questions - except there are questions he won't answer.  He will be open with me about how he feels about things, about me,  about how he wants things to be.  But there are definite areas he won't discuss with me.  Naturally, I even try to analyze the meaning behind the patterns of what he will  or won't talk about.

That is one of the biggest differences now vs. before.  The equality of what each of us is expected to share of our thoughts and feelings is no longer.  He decides how much he is willing to talk about with me, and he decides how much i should be open about also.  

So - do other people do this?  Or am i out of control?  Is this not really submitting, or submissive? 

I stink at metacognition - actually - that's not quite right - I can see very well what my brain is doing and where it's going, I even see a lot of the why.  I do parse and analyse, it's a steady stream of consciousness going pretty much all the time.  I am certain though that it isn't of the flavor, "You should have done this and not that."  It isn't second guessing or critiquing.  If his actions or words are unclear or somehow strike me wrong, then i am up front with him about that.  I ask for and he provides clarification.  My internal dialogue is not a running rant or nag, it doesn't have good/bad judgements to it.

But is it somehow disrespectful?  Or show a lack of submission or surrender, or something?   What i do stink at is making my mind do what i want it to do, training it to focus on certain things, and to stay clear of other areas. So I'm not sure I could stop the wondering in any case. 


  1. greengirl,

    I don't think your questioning is in anyway disrespectful, or even not submissive. Questioning seems to be very much a part of who you are and makes you a very intelligent woman. Especially since you are not judging in the process.

    I tend to have a continuous stream of through going on in my head when I'm around my Husband as well. I don't stop at questioning, I answer my own questions and not generally in the most positive light. My answers end up being quite wrong.

    The fact that you are asking so many questions, and talking with him at such a deep level, even though he doesn't always answer, seems like it would be a very good thing.


  2. The muzzling of the mouth, I can understand. (I know that every man who has ever dated me has longed for this at some point or another...)
    But to constrain your own thoughts? Why would either of you want you to stop doing something that makes you so very much you? How on earth could that be seen as disrespectful?

  3. While I do believe that there is such a thing as over thinking (I tend to do it a bit much lol), I also think that questioning and thinking are healthy. They help us grow and evolve.
    Would you be the same person without your wonderings?

  4. I agree with what everyone else has already said. Wondering and questioning, done in a respectful way, is not unsubmissive, or disrespectful. You are a thinking, intelligent woman, and there is nothing wrong with wondering or questioning as long as it is done respectfully.

    personally, i do the same thing as Serenity. i question and wonder, but I answer these questions in my head myself. It gets me into a ton of trouble because I often answer wrong, start sulking, and then refuse to talk to my husband about it because in my mind he's already answered in an unsatisfactory way. Much better to get it all out in the open without making assumptions.

  5. it is not disrespectful but it does show something. I shows you are a bright, inquisitive and intelligent woman and what Dom would not want that?

  6. Non-stop thinking is, as Eckhart Tolle pointed out, a serious disease. Almost everyone suffers from it, so it's regarded as normal - even praiseworthy! Should you have the good fortune to completely stop thinking for even a few seconds, the deep peace you suddenly experience as a result of finding out that you are not your thoughts will convince you of this.

  7. I don't think it's disrespectful. If he finds it disrespectful, he can tell you that and you can talk about it. But one thing I wanted to say about this:

    "The equality of what each of us is expected to share of our thoughts and feelings is no longer. He decides how much he is willing to talk about with me, and he decides how much i should be open about also."

    In a way, this is true of all relationships. We *all* only share as much as we want to. Do you feel like he shares less than he used to? And if so, why? Does he understand that it's important for you to understand how he's feeling, what he's thinking? Do you *actually* want to know the answers to these questions or is it more frustration at a feeling he's holding himself back?

  8. Serenity,
    I have done the same thing - answered the questions myself, or made assumptions about his motivations or reasoning. It has caused big problems and i think that's why i stop myself now. I can't say that in a very new or difficult area I wouldn't find myself doing that again.

    I do understand your point - i get cuaght up in the "don't ask why - just do". It's hardly that rigid or explicit here, but - maybe because i always did this kind of questioning - I wondered if it should have changed.

    No - I really would not at all. Good point.

    Exactly. I have really made thigns bad a few times that way, so for everyday stuff, I'm learning not to answer the questions - just wonder them.

    Sir J,
    Mine does like those attributes in me, althouth i have a feeling that he could really hear the internal chatter, he might want one of Jz's muzzles for me.

    I am only familiar with his ideas to the extent that they are part of pop culture. The idea of true quiet in my head is tantalizing, but the idea that my thoughts are extraneous, that what i conceptualize as "me" is not my thoughts but something else, is quite difficult for me.

    I guess part of the reasson for writing this was because i wanted to start a conversation with him about this topic. He doesn't know what goes on in my head. Even when he asks and I tell him what i'm thinking or feeling, it would be impossinble to relay all the second and third thoughts that arise as i'm telling him.

    It is true was each only share as much as we want to - but a big difference is that now he pushes me to share much more than i ever have. This has been very good for us. He does actually share more than he used to, but there are still areas he doesn't talk about. Oddly - i don't feel frustrated about this - on one level it's one more of the things that feels right in this unequalness.

  9. Dear gg,

    sometimes i too feel there is a big part of Master i do not know anything about, His other side, the things i am not allowed to ask... and the way He deals with them.

    But still, as in any any relationship, communication is key. There is nothing wrong when a sub says "i don't understand Sir, could you please explain [...]" in a polite and humble manner.

    Hugs, cassie

  10. cassie,
    He does talk more openly now thatnhe did before, and he is gracious abotu listening to my questions. The areas he is nto so willign to answer about have to do with his feelings, him plans more specifically about his Dominance. I do wonder about these things, I'm curious, I hope he is fulfilled, etc... But on some level it does feel right that he keeps some of that to himself.