....but, I thought...

I thought i had a pretty fair idea of him, of who he is, what he would want, who he wants us to be, where we were going.  This meant coming to terms with some disappointments about directions i had hoped to explore, but which seemed clear he didn't.  Overall, his direction has been successful, and for me, the (continuous) act of  following his direction has been good for me.  So i figured we were where we were going, there might be small changes and some tweaks here and there, but i had learned what to expect and expected it to remain that way. 

One thing about being able to predict something is that it gives you at least a small bit of control, more than you would have in an unpredictable situation.  That's why people don't like change, right?  If you don't know how someone will respond or what will happen in a given circumstance, you have no control over the situation.  If  you know "if i do X, this will happen..." that gives you some control, or maybe influence, or at least the illusion of control.  I obviously still go round and round about the concept of control.

But apparently we weren't where we were going, or we are going to keep going, or something.  Suddenly, he is doing things i never thought he would, saying things i hadn't expected to hear, wanting things i didn't think he was interested in...

The big things are, obviously, easier to see, have a certain shock value, and lots of reverberations.  So - we are going to a public event: I have found an organization and they are sponsoring a party the weekend we will be there, and they have granted us permission to attend.  [insert huge *oh, shit* here].  One of the less obvious implications if this is that this is the first time he has done something that is a mental more than a physical challenge to me - and this one is huge, not exactly humiliation, but something akin to that for me, and a completely new - what - new toy/tool  for him.   

I'm sure i will write more as i allow myself to even think about it - but he has made it clear that we are going not just to watch, and that mid-western business casual is not what i will be wearing.  I know this sounds like a fun evening, or at least an interesting adventure, to many of you.  I'm a wuss, so this absolutely screws with my mind.

The smaller, more subtle changes have an even bigger impact though.  He is paying attention to things he never has before, using words i didn't expect to hear, pushing in small ways here and there.  It feels more long term, it feels like a cinching down and tightening up, or a tack more into the wind.  It is clear we are still moving and that i don't know the direction ahead of time.  It is disconcerting and puts me off balance because it is change and it is less predictable, I have less control, or less illusion of it in any case.  But it is also comforting, and exciting, and arousing  because i have less control, and because it is being cinched down and tightened up, and because i have to follow.