Monday, January 17, 2011

....but, I thought...

I thought i had a pretty fair idea of him, of who he is, what he would want, who he wants us to be, where we were going.  This meant coming to terms with some disappointments about directions i had hoped to explore, but which seemed clear he didn't.  Overall, his direction has been successful, and for me, the (continuous) act of  following his direction has been good for me.  So i figured we were where we were going, there might be small changes and some tweaks here and there, but i had learned what to expect and expected it to remain that way. 

One thing about being able to predict something is that it gives you at least a small bit of control, more than you would have in an unpredictable situation.  That's why people don't like change, right?  If you don't know how someone will respond or what will happen in a given circumstance, you have no control over the situation.  If  you know "if i do X, this will happen..." that gives you some control, or maybe influence, or at least the illusion of control.  I obviously still go round and round about the concept of control.

But apparently we weren't where we were going, or we are going to keep going, or something.  Suddenly, he is doing things i never thought he would, saying things i hadn't expected to hear, wanting things i didn't think he was interested in...

The big things are, obviously, easier to see, have a certain shock value, and lots of reverberations.  So - we are going to a public event: I have found an organization and they are sponsoring a party the weekend we will be there, and they have granted us permission to attend.  [insert huge *oh, shit* here].  One of the less obvious implications if this is that this is the first time he has done something that is a mental more than a physical challenge to me - and this one is huge, not exactly humiliation, but something akin to that for me, and a completely new - what - new toy/tool  for him.   

I'm sure i will write more as i allow myself to even think about it - but he has made it clear that we are going not just to watch, and that mid-western business casual is not what i will be wearing.  I know this sounds like a fun evening, or at least an interesting adventure, to many of you.  I'm a wuss, so this absolutely screws with my mind.

The smaller, more subtle changes have an even bigger impact though.  He is paying attention to things he never has before, using words i didn't expect to hear, pushing in small ways here and there.  It feels more long term, it feels like a cinching down and tightening up, or a tack more into the wind.  It is clear we are still moving and that i don't know the direction ahead of time.  It is disconcerting and puts me off balance because it is change and it is less predictable, I have less control, or less illusion of it in any case.  But it is also comforting, and exciting, and arousing  because i have less control, and because it is being cinched down and tightened up, and because i have to follow.


  1. I'm pretty sure this is just easy for me to say cause i'm way over here and you're the one that's there - and I hear that ambvialence - and reacognize it as reasonable and realistice - and still -

    I'm vicariously all excited for you, on all the levels you describe.

    And sending you lots of positive energy...


  2. ...because it's what you've wanted all along...
    (I'm thinking you're really going to have to giving up that "he doesn't really want this" thing pretty soon now, gg!)


  3. I think the more subtle mental aspects are the most amazing and have the biggest impacts. Interesting how you can know someone well for years, yet they still manage to be full of surprises huh.

  4. My Master is nothing if not predictable. So when he makes a sudden turn off the beaten path, it leaves me staggering, disoriented (even when it is something as simple as how many eggs he wants with his breakfast). I can imagine what you are going through with this.

    Going somewhere strange and being expected to participate... all in one swell foop? Holy crap.

    And I must admit is is a voyeuristic, titillated 'Holy Crap'. And I am looking forward to hearing how this all plays out.

  5. sort of watch out what you wish for?

    breathe -- it sounds like you are starting down the next steps of your journey -- and it's both -- exciting and scary

    like many new things



  6. I'm saying a bit of a "oh crap!" for you. But I'm also laughing. I'm laughing because you've just described what I would be feeling if I were in your shoes.

    There was a time when I wanted things that he didn't, and I eventually accepted that he will never want those things. And going to social BDSM events was one of them, and he said no. And if he suddenly said yes, I'd be more than freaking out, maybe on the verge of panic attack.

    So although I've never been where you are, I can very much imagine it, and I'm freaking out for you, but also laughing, sorry. Not at you though, more at how we want things, then they happen after we'd expected them not to and suddenly we're holding up our hands and saying "woah! Slow down! I might... I may... have changed my mind... maybe..."

    It's scary, but also exciting.

    And I can't wait to hear all about it.

  7. As I understand the development of your situation you were the one that led the relationship down the TTWD path. As such you have had the advantage of being one step ahead in you knowledge and more importantly in your fantasizing or consideration of what you might want it to be or what it could be.

    I think it happens a lot that a couple is led down this path by the submissive partner and I know from the various blogs read that a lot angst come up because the partner does not live up to the Dominant role or at least the submissive's expectations of it. It appears you are the lucky one. He has caught up and you are no longer in the lead.

    I hope it everything you wanted it to be.

  8. Or maybe he's wanted it too... and he just wasn't confident enough in himself to do something like this... or maybe he didn't think you were ready for it? I mean, there are a lot of things I didn't think Asha would want and then out of the blue he was doing it, sometimes without me saying a word. It's really hard to know sometimes what goes on in their minds.

    I'm happy for you, though... and I'm sure you'll have a great time! But to be fair... I'd be just as nervous as you!



  9. "he is doing things i never thought he would, saying things i hadn't expected to hear, wanting things i didn't think he was interested in"

    As of yesterday I have given up thinking I know what to expect from the man. Lately I'm always wrong.

  10. Well well well. I feel your trepidation. I am shaking inside for you..happy not to be in your shoes. I am also interested to hear how your journey goes. I am in the situation you have described..the 'this will never happen to me' situation! If I am truthful, your new events give me cause for concern. It frames question for me; is it a possibility for us, for me and my husband? I too am a wuss! I hope it is all you need it to be.


  11. aisha,
    I'm also excited - both about the big things adn the smaller changes. It's just hidden in there with the nerves and plain old fear. So I think the balance comes out as ambivalent. Thank you for the support.

    Point taken. And you are absolutely right - it's another thing that is hard to admit (not the "you're right" part btw).

    Absolutely. To be fair, I guess I must have surprised him with this whole thing initially - so I guess I shouldn't be surprised to be surprised.

    Yea - mine too - awfully ordered and predictable. Sounds like you two stepped out of your routine though and it sounds like you had a good time.

    Yes - to all of it actually. Things do keep working out the way I had hoped, just always by an unexpected route. I need to switch gears a bit and stp trying to see the road ahead, just pay attention to the one here.

    That pretty much sums it up - but honestly, the smaller things have a biger real impact on me, they get to our real relations with each other. The party is for fun and learning and play - play is still good though - even for grown ups.

    Sir J,
    I think you understand the development of the situation well. I've had to fight my urges to only be satisfied with my view of things and ignoring his way as wrong - actually - I haven't always been succesful at that. But I'm very glad he kept on his own way and waits for me to find him.

    I imagine you're right. And i get torn between really wanting to know what's in his mind, and not really. Thanks.

    I know what you mean - though perhaps not as dramatic an example as in your life right now. I hope that what you are learning about him and the new direction is ultimately good for both of you.

    I so understand your position, and it is hard. But it took us a long time to get from there to here, and here for us still leaves a lot left to learn.

  12. I hope you don't mind, I'm linking my next blog post to this post of yours.

  13. I think that while we can be aware - even hyper-aware - of how we are growing and changing, we may forget that the other person might be growing and changing, too. Then suddenly it all springs up in front of us and bites us on the nose.

    Or on the back of the neck... and how lucky you are if you like being bitten on the back of the neck...

    (Thanks, Kelly, for the link here.)


  14. Kelly,
    I think we all face some of the same kinds of challenges, with different twists.

    Oatmeal Girl,
    Welcome. You have a good point - and yes it does - or did bite me in the nose, neck. And i do like that, or not, or i do - it's one of those things.