Wednesday, March 30, 2011

I've been in a funk that i don't seem to be coming out of.  I'm not depressed or really even down, just blah.  I'm sure there is a lot of very mundane stuff contributing.  It's supposed to be spring, but its still cold and brown; family stuff; nasty sinus infection; the roof is leaking; my dog left me and my wife ran away - go ahead and sing along...

To a great extent, I think i'm simply in withdrawal.  The last two years have seen almost every part of our lives in upheaval - almost all in good ways, but upended nonetheless.  I finished something that consumed my time effort for a long time, I changed jobs, we moved far away, the kids changed schools and friends and activities, and - oh yea - my husband and i re-worked our marriage pretty thoroughly.  Now - we are here, things are rolling along, it's all working out pretty well, (the roof is being fixed), and we seem to have ended up at a place and a dynamic in our marriage that fits us better than i think either of us imagined it would.  Suddenly i don't have to work so hard - at any of it.

It's like paddling furiously through a long tricky spot, then finding yourself still paddling furiously in the lovely calm stretch.  When you realize where you are, you slow down and rest, but some part of your body feels like it ought to be still racing.  I think i just need to figure out how to switch gears (to really mix metaphors) on a lot of fronts. 

I've done calm stretches of regular life before, i have an idea how to manage that, more or less.  For ttwd, i don't know - there was so much to learn, so much change, and so much positive feedback from all of it, that i think the withdrawal is a little harsh.  There is also the anxiety that not focusing on it so intently means it will fade away, or isn't there at all.  It's easy for me to lose sight of the fact that the change and the work of making the changes happen aren't the object of the effort, but the dynamic itself is.  My guess is that i need to be able to shift even further to see that my husband and myself are the true focus, not the dynamic. 

In the mean time, i think i need to learn how to be where we are. 


  1. greengirl,

    I think learning to just be, in any situation really, is quite tricky in todays world. There is such a push to constantly grow and improve and go after the next goal. I wish you luck in learning to relax and enjoy what you've worked so hard to gain.


  2. I can relate. We've moved almost every year for the past 5. Due to the moves, I've changed jobs and even "careers" several times. It seems like things were always changing... and I've found that after about a year if we aren't moving, changing jobs or encountering other major life events I feel as if I'm missing or forgetting something. Switching gears is HARD.

    Of course, after 15 months and finally settling into our current home-- we're moving again. :D I suppose I don't have much wisdom to offer-- seeing as we're still in the middle of upheaval.

    But, you're certainly not alone.

  3. I know I often feel the fall out once the stresses have been grappled with and some calm sets in...then I have the time and space to react. The only thing I know to do is to allow myself the time I seem to need.

    As for the Dd and the focus, I know I have felt that too. In the 1st few years we had to focus. Once it became just who we are, it became less obvious but turned out to be evidence of us just being really solid.


  4. "i think i need to learn how to be where we are."

    I think there's poetry in that phase. And the spiral of growth just keeps on.


  5. Serenity,
    I think that's a really big part of it for me, I feel like i ought to be working or pushing or something. thank you.

    Welcome back - very cool to see yo again. Five moves - now 6 - i can't imagine. I hope this move goes smoothly.

    It does feel solid, and i am grateful for that. And I am working on getting used to the quiet, so to speak.

    Thank you. It's new for me to back off and let things happen, but clearly you're right, life doesn't really stand still.

  6. turiya thinks it's normal to feel that way after a mad rush in life. Usually it's a good time to find something new to focus on so that you're not focusing on the depression you feel. And really try to enjoy the down time... it doesn't usually last very long.



  7. turiya,
    Someone else made a similar suggestion to me and i think it is a good one. There are plenty of other areas i can put in some energy and maybe even make some improvements. Thanks.