I suppose - mostly i see questions - the kind that philosophers and theologians have tried to answer for ages.
Questions like - which is more important - intent or actions? What you think or what you actually do or say? Which really counts? If I can override a not-so-charitable first thought and do or say what i know is the better thing, isn't that good? Or is it fake? If i'm only acting "good" but not changing my heart, isn't that still bad?
This isn't just a submissive thing - it's a human thing. But - i've been seeing it in thinking about my submission lately. Quite often my first thought or impulse is not so nice. For instance, if he calls me or asks for something when i'm in the middle of something myself - annoyance and irritation are often the first things to come to mind.
When i screw up - big or small, my very first thought isn't necessarily remorse or regret at having disappointed him. I'm old enough not to be instantly defensive and blame anyone else; i accept responsibility when i screw up. But my regret, honestly, is most often disappointment in myself at having messed up. It's a fine line, I know - and maybe not an important one? But the focus is on me, not him, not first and foremost.
It's like there are still two worlds in my head - the one in which my impulse is to please him, to have that and to have him as my center, vs. the one in which i really want to manage things my way, keeping in mind that i have committed certain things to him. I step wildly back and forth, not all in one or the other. Maybe i never will be - it may just not be possible.
I suppose it's like everything else about this whole thing: everyone is different and everyone grows and changes. I may never be able to do away with the dual worlds in my head to submit so deeply and wholly in my mind; but i am in a far different mindset now than i was before, so who knows where it's going.
I did ask my husband what he found more important to him. He of course said it depends. He appreciates it when i can override my not so ideal first reactions and do or say the more appropriate thing - esp if i can also manage the more appropriate tone. But that, of course, he would prefer i feel it and mean it too. As to what he thinks about the inside of my mind - that i didn't ask.
It is possible for your mindset to change, imho it just takes time. Time and practice. If you are at the point where you are able to change the first negative though to a positive acceptable one and you keep doing it, eventually the second positive thought will become the first thought. The negative reactions will stop.
ReplyDeleteThat is how it worked for me anyway :)
I think i can see that this has happened to a certain extent. and i think there are large areas where turning this around is a good goal. Thanks.
DeleteI think (at this point in my journey anyway) overcoming your initial first reaction is at the very core of submission. Just think about how quickly you may go through that whole thought process in a particular issue. You feel the reaction, you take note that is not acceptable and then you override it to put someone else first.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if that can ever truly go away but in the short amount of time I have been doing this I noticed I am know quicker to go through the whole process and the less I dwell on the initial reaction. It's progress that I am sure you have been through yourself.
In regards to screw ups, I think it depends on the situation. Did I screw up because I exhibited a negative behavior resulting from something he did to upset me, if so I am not initally full of remorse (although I do get there eventually) At first I am still more focused on what he did to piss me off.
You may be disappointed in your behavior, we have all been there but if it is behavoir directed at him, its kind of the same thing.
I hope that made sense, sorry for the long comment.
I appreciate the comment. Thank you. It is a subtle distinction - the focus being on him vs being on me focusing on him. I really just don't know how much i can or even should move that.
DeleteI believe that we are humans first, D/s role last. Of course we will feel the emotions regarding our behaviors in terms of how it affects us first. That is, imho, nothing but human nature. And maybe that statement reveals how I feel about actions vs. attitudes.
ReplyDeletePadrone taught me a long, long time ago that what we feel matters, but how we act matters most of all. Here's an example: As a teacher, there are times when I get irritated with students, fellow teachers, and/or administration. However, when I make the effort to not reveal those feelings through my actions, then there is a sense of accomplishment and I know that I have done the right thing.
So why should my feeling irritated about being asked to do something when I am already busy, but I do it anyway, be any different? Is it fake? Well, maybe in a very literal sense but if your agreement encompasses your obedience in whatever was asked of you then you are not being fake or unsubmissive....to the contrary, you are indeed honoring your submission through your obedience. And unless there is an attempt (futile imho) to try to "control" your emotions as a part of your D/s dynamic, then your obedience ... well, think of the alternative and imagine what your husband would say if you acted on your emotions rather than acted out of obedience and submission.
Submission will not always be an emotional situation. Always putting someone else first is not a natural state of mind for anyone. And, as a specific example, I just this morning missed a text to Padrone and my first reaction was "dad-gummit, now I have stupid lines to write!" It was not that he was disappointed by my lack of obedience. But I am, nor do I feel, any less submissive than I did before I missed the text because of my reaction to missing it!
Just my 2 cents' worth!
*hugs*
schiava
this is a lot of what i was trying to get at - thank you. i was never one of those mom's who was never tired or grumpy or annoyed by my kids, i sometimes had to fake the sweetness and light. but that was better than the alternative and i don't believe it made me less a mom. i think there is change and growth here, just like learning to work with your kids. Hopefully anyhow.
DeleteIn my mind when you submit after that little bit of questioning and even with toning down a bit of an attitude in yourself, it's a more powerful act. Sort of like submitting to more pain takes a bit more mental work and can be more difficult.
ReplyDeleteit is harder, and i think he gives me credit for the effort, just maybe thinks it shouldn't always be as hard as i make it maybe. thank you
Delete