I suppose - mostly i see questions - the kind that philosophers and theologians have tried to answer for ages.
Questions like - which is more important - intent or actions? What you think or what you actually do or say? Which really counts? If I can override a not-so-charitable first thought and do or say what i know is the better thing, isn't that good? Or is it fake? If i'm only acting "good" but not changing my heart, isn't that still bad?
This isn't just a submissive thing - it's a human thing. But - i've been seeing it in thinking about my submission lately. Quite often my first thought or impulse is not so nice. For instance, if he calls me or asks for something when i'm in the middle of something myself - annoyance and irritation are often the first things to come to mind.
When i screw up - big or small, my very first thought isn't necessarily remorse or regret at having disappointed him. I'm old enough not to be instantly defensive and blame anyone else; i accept responsibility when i screw up. But my regret, honestly, is most often disappointment in myself at having messed up. It's a fine line, I know - and maybe not an important one? But the focus is on me, not him, not first and foremost.
It's like there are still two worlds in my head - the one in which my impulse is to please him, to have that and to have him as my center, vs. the one in which i really want to manage things my way, keeping in mind that i have committed certain things to him. I step wildly back and forth, not all in one or the other. Maybe i never will be - it may just not be possible.
I suppose it's like everything else about this whole thing: everyone is different and everyone grows and changes. I may never be able to do away with the dual worlds in my head to submit so deeply and wholly in my mind; but i am in a far different mindset now than i was before, so who knows where it's going.
I did ask my husband what he found more important to him. He of course said it depends. He appreciates it when i can override my not so ideal first reactions and do or say the more appropriate thing - esp if i can also manage the more appropriate tone. But that, of course, he would prefer i feel it and mean it too. As to what he thinks about the inside of my mind - that i didn't ask.