Tuesday, May 1, 2012

kneeling

We had been fighting.  No - not really fighting.  We had been not hearing, not understanding, not knowing how to proceed or what to do - what to even try.  

We had tried and failed and started and failed - over and over....

We were both feeling crushed and defeated.  Fear is so much harder than anger.

We were at the point of having no idea how to get through.  Sitting across from each other at the dining room table - words were done.  Neither of us could do or say anything right in the other's view.  

I got up - i imagine he thought i was walking away.

Instead, i knelt by his chair and laid my head on his thigh.  I stayed that way some time.  Slowly his hand moved to my head.  

And slowly we began to be able to understand each other.



Kneeling is not a big part of us.  He has me on my knees when he wants to use me that way.  And i appreciate the sometimes that he has me sit at his feet as we both relax in the evening.  

But for me to choose to kneel, to risk to kneel before him (to him?  for him?)  felt both wholly unnatural and like the only possible expression of what i was really feeling.  

Kneeling is so foreign to everyday physical language; it is so tied up in religion and mythology, fairy tales and  cautionary tales.  It is steeped in symbolism and meaning.  It is a big thing, an obvious, overt, and grand gesture.  It is what it is because it is physically risky, it puts one person at the other's mercy.  And it is just as risky emotionally as it was designed to be physically.  

And it was, at that moment, the meaning i couldn't manage to put into words.



  

24 comments:

  1. Sometimes in those moments a gesture like that can just melt away all the tension. I find when I am kneeling I automatically become more open even if I still do not necessarily agree. What a wonderful moment in time. I hope everything else fell into place.

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    1. Things have gotten much better since then, thank you. That openness is the risk, and probably the power.

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  2. You may not have been able to put the meaning into words, but I understand the feeling.

    I have done this too. Sometimes it's the only thing I can think of at the moment to do. It hasn't been the wrong choice yet :)

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    1. It was very much the only thing i could think of. Hopefully it never will be the wrong choice.

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  3. gg,

    Sometimes the gesture speaks more profoundly than any words can...

    Hugs,
    mouse

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  4. I have done this too. Usually one of our parents is the source of the argument, and I go to him and kneel at his feet just so he knows that my anger isn't for him, not really. When it goes that far, sometimes you just have to let the words go.

    Good on you.

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    1. thanks. I like the notion of showing him the anger isn't for him.

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  5. What a beautiful description. I've done this at these times too, when words just are not working. It is quite a powerful submissive act.

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    1. Thank you. It was indeed, thankfully.

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  6. Wow -- what a powerful gesture
    especially since kneeling isn't part of your routine

    obviously you guys still have to work out whatever you needed to work out
    but sometimes
    you just need to take the emotion
    and the sting
    and the combat out of it

    good for you

    brave

    sfp

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    1. That's it - we were just making everything worse and this allowed me to let go of the need to fight my side. thank you.

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  7. Replies
    1. Thank you - it made all the difference.

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  8. Beautiful. A beautiful expression of yourself, beautifully described.

    i love kneeling at His feet. And you're right, it carries so much symbolic meaning, and ~ well, you already said it. Yes.

    aisha

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    1. Thank you - i appreciate you saying so.

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  9. What a powerful statement you made by kneeling before him! For sheer power of driving a message home, non-verbal communication puts anything spoken to shame.

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    1. that does seem to be the way it works - words just dont always do it. thanks

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  10. Kneeling isn't something I do, or am asked to do on any sort of regular basis. Whenever I have done it, I feel extremely submissive. I really liked this post because it so captured your feelings brilliantly. I think, as a gesture in this way, it says so much more than any words could.

    Dee x

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    1. Dee - Thank you. It helps me sometimes to remember that feeling too.

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  11. You said it all-beautifully. I too, have found great peace there next to him, on my knees.

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    1. Saoirse - Welcome. And thank you. It is not a usual thing for us, and maybe that's why it can be so powerful.

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