Open

No kids, him actually home many of the nights...  This past week could have been one long wild and crazy sex, sex, sex party.  I could have been naked or bound or in a cute apron and heels and nothing else.  He could have beaten me and used me morning, noon and night, non-stop.... 


Except that he couldn't: we both have jobs that have each taken a turn for the challenging lately, and the dog needs to be walked, and we have social obligations, and lots of open windows and neighbors who really don't want to see all of us, and - well - you get the idea.  


So - not a week long scene of B or D or S or M or even sex, sex, sex, although there was some of all of that, and it was nice......


But it was a week of working on open (specifically me working on being open).  I honestly hadn't realized how not-open i quite often really am. 


So - while i wasn't fully naked the whole week, my bottom half was to be constantly and completely unobstructed and uncovered when in the house.  Open access and open view for him, some serious mental discomfort and self consciousness for me - although his demonstrations of his appreciation of my bottom half were very encouraging.  


He worked on my being open to him - all of me - in whatever way he wanted, not in whatever way i do or don't prefer.  Waiting in his position, open and exposed - i do like that, and as much as it makes me feel vulnerable, self conscious, and maybe apprehensive - it is submissive and i know he appreciates it, so i want to offer that.  


On the other hand - i really dislike being played with, fondled, groped - whatever - when it's just an idle passing thing.  It feels to me like i'm just something for him to fidget with when he has nothing else to do with his hands.  It feels like he is not interested in me, just bored.   I tense up and cringe away and roll my eyes and sigh loudly. He worked on that, worked on me understanding that he wants me to be open to him playing with me in whatever way his mood takes him, that i am his plaything in whatever form.  I will keep working on this.


There was also work on my being open to him making decisions, my letting go of my expectations and learning to embrace and appreciate what he lays out. And there was work on my doing what he asks, and doing it graciously.  


For a week that i had hoped could be a bit vacationy for us - i've used the word 'work' a lot in talking about it.  But, maybe not so surprisingly, this week has helped me feel more secure, more grounded, and more confident in him, in myself, in us.  








And....  you know how there are those verses, lines, poems, etc that you always remembered from childhood?  For some reason, this particular poem has been with me since i was 8 or 9, I have no idea why this one, but it turns out part of it fits, hopefully not all of it though.    I'll be back in a few weeks.

I give you now Professor Twist, A conscientious scientist, Trustees exclaimed, "He never bungles!" And sent him off to distant jungles. Camped on a tropic riverside, One day he missed his loving bride. She had, the guide informed him later, Been eaten by an alligator. Professor Twist could not but smile. "You mean," he said, "a crocodile."                                                Ogden Nash

play fits

Sometimes play really just is the right word for it. 


Not sand castles at the beach, or frisbee in the park.  Those are nice too.


But - all out, mud bowl, pushed and shoved around, no idea which end is up and can't respond fast enough, existing in just your body and out of breath, trying to keep up, straining to meet the demands, no thoughts just doing.....


That kind of play....

trying not to wonder

For a change, i'm working on not wondering.


I didn't think it was going to happen this summer - but it looks like there will be 5 days that the boys will both be away, and if the stars align a little further - he may actually be in town for some of those too.  


The thing is - it has been so very long since we have had a chance to play, scene, whatever you want to call it, with actual time and actual privacy.   (Scene sounds like there would be an audience - that alone pushes buttons for me).


And i'm anxious, and excited, and very, very nervous.  I remember that i like this - i think about it and dream about it and i know that it has been very, very good....sometime in the past.


And it's not like there aren't measures of pain and control, and that rougher, removed, aloof thing, and even a touch of humiliation, in most of our intimate moments...


But frankly - i'm a bit scared.


What if my body forgets it likes this?  What if my brain does?  What if i can't handle it?  What if i can't keep up or give him what he wants?  What if he has to slow down on my account?


What if he's really just doing it for me in the first place?  What if i'm making assumptions that anything will take place at all, maybe he's not interested?  What if i let the anticipation build and then plans change and it all falls apart?   


What if all the what if's keep me from being able to let go and follow him?  

I'm going to do things for you for the rest of our lives; or, there is no such thing as mercy sex.

I've gotten much better, most of the time, but sometimes there's a silliness that creeps in and twists into my rational brain and takes over.  One of those things has been the notion that he is doing all of this for me - that he is not really interested in power exchange, in being the D side of things, in kinky sex - or really sex at all - he's just doing it to humor me. 


It does sound silly - in the light of day.  But this lack of belief and mistrust on my part is and has been damaging to us and insulting to him.  


My wondering about porn has led to some discussions between us that have been revealing and uncomfortable for me.  The other night, after an uneasy conversation, he played with me.  He played, ever so gently, too with humiliation.  It was at the time just right and (ironically) very reassuring.  He played, he came, and he played with me some more, then he rolled over and went to sleep.  He left me reassured but horny as hell.


The next evening i let him know - not particularly gracefully or subtly - exactly how horny i was.  I hinted and pouted and was generally a brat.  At bedtime he told me, essentially, now or never, come and get it or forget it.  Of course that registered to me as mercy sex - as, "I'm not really interested, but i'll oblige you just to get you off my back."  And he knew exactly what was going through my head; we've been here before and he really doesn't like that place.


He tried to point out that the idea of a guy, or at least him, not wanting sex, just doing it to get it over with, was ridiculous.  I dunno - i'm not a guy - seems plausible to me.  I think he gave up trying to convince me.  


The more serious part of the issue was about him doing things for me.  I'm not good at having things done for me in any context.  Things work well if i believe it's what he wants, even if i do too.  Things fall completely apart, i fall apart, if i think he's doing it because i wanted it, or that i somehow manipulated him into doing it.  Maybe that's why submission is good for me - it accommodates my weakness.   Maybe i'm not good at having things done for me because i'm submissive - maybe it's just semantics.  And if there's anything my husband really dislikes, it's getting caught up in drama over semantics.    


He saw what was coming and stopped me, held me still, looked me in the eye, and told me that he will do things for me, for the rest of our lives.  That this is what he needs to do as my husband, as a man, and as my master.  End of discussion, no semantics, no drama.  

actually writing about porn....

I've been trying to write this for awhile now.  I can't and i think it's because i just can't come to any conclusions in my head.  Sort of begs the question why i'm putting anything here at all -  i'm hoping that if i just list out the different things that run through my head - i will be able to stop worrying about it.  


So...........


I've never watched a pornographic movie, of any flavor.


I am far, far more affected by written words than visual images


I know that distinctions among porn vs. smut vs. erotica vs. art are important; but i don't know what the distinctions really are - all i can do is try to define what i'm talking about, which is pretty limited really.


I know that what i read or look at is pretty tame in the grand scheme of things 


I feel flawed in this area - i don't seem to function the way most people do when it comes to fantasy, arousal, using images as part of sex. That is - i don't or can't - at all.  Maybe there's some deeply hidden psychological reason, maybe there's just a short in my wiring.  


On the plus side, my husband never has to worry about me having images of anyone or anything else in mind when i'm with him, or even when i'm not.  


I've only started to discuss this with him - which has had me feeling worried, anxious, fearful, maybe guilty.  I don't (didn't) have any idea how he felt about porn in general or my reading or viewing it specifically.  


That's part of the reason for posting this - it's easier than trying to say all this to him face to face.


He has known that i read erotic fiction/smut/stories/blogs - i share what i like with him sometimes, and he has access to my passwords, browser history, often looks over my shoulder.  So at least i knew he didn't want me not to. 


I've shown him a sample of the kinds of images i look at - he didn't have a lot to say although i think he was a little surprised


He did ask if i had considered the issues surrounding the industry in general and wondered if they were as prevalent with stills as with movies - something more to think about - are there really so many women who are truly okay with being beaten, degraded and filmed in the process? -is it consensual or just a worse level of exploitation?  Is it all faked anyhow?  


Another argument against porn is that, even in the context of a marriage, it leads one partner to lust after other people instead of their own partner -  he or she couldn't measure up so it creates envy and temptation and disharmony and emotional adultery


Ok - so i know there's no lust for anyone else in my head - but - there's a world of ideas there that he has not much idea about - that he isn't part of - a context he doesn't have. 


Is that ok?


It doesn't make me want someone else, but does it make me want something else?   Does it create unfair comparisons - or is it like a food magazine - inspires ideas, widens horizons, inspires creativity (or at least openness) on my part 


It makes me face myself - what does excite, arouse, appeal - some of it's not so comfortable - some i think i ought to be appalled at and wonder why i'm not - this is true for pictures and writing - shouldn't i be worried about what does arouse me?


I'm also not entirely comfortable with him knowing these particulars about me.  It was easy to turn sex all over to him  - whatever happened, or didn't, was his choice.  Yes i participate, enjoy, even crave - but there is a level of deniability, even if it's barely plausible. 


I turn to porn when he's gone, or less available, or when i'm needier... it certainly doesn't make me less needy, but it doesn't satisfy the need either - it ramps it up, but in a way i obviously seek out - more stuff i don't understand about myself 




OK - this whole thing feels way too much like listing my sins at confession way back when...

I want to be

Maybe I've had the ttwd equivalent of too much TV or too many glossy magazines. 

This happens too often, or some variation on the theme....

When he gets home today i want to be just right 

I have such a nice image in mind 

I see myself greeting him

I see myself calm, quiet, content, subdued, focused on him, attending to him, being what and how he wants me to be, adapting for him, moment by moment... in a word, perfectly submissive

The real life, active embodiment of this...

Instead i will more likely be wound up, distracted, hyper, and silly

or interrupted, edgy, impatient and sarcastic

or hot, grumpy, lethargic and lazy 

or any number of other ways that likely aren't what he would wish for as he walks in the door

I know, I know - it is within my power to be the things i see

Stop wishing-  just do it - 

Make it so 

Right?

I wonder if i'm even capable of such a thing.... 

I was going to write about porn, but....

Thank you - sincerely - to DV and Aisha for nominating my blog.  Aisha is right - i haven't been posting nearly as much recently.  I would love to think that's going to change, but realistically - it isn't soon.


1. my eyes change color with my mood - green when i'm focused, intense or emotional, gray if i'm more mellow

2. i grew up with one foot in Appalachia and one in suburbia - oddly so did my husband although it had nothing to do with our meeting each other - it's an odd mix of worlds

3. i am a very good cook - i can pull together whatever is around into something good - and rarely use recipes.  If i do use a recipe - i always tweak it - even if it's the first time i've tried it.  i really can't bake  though - possibly because of the not following a recipe thing.

4. i have a great sense of direction - in cities to the middle of the most remote wilderness - except in shopping malls - i shopped (when i absolutely had to) at the same mall for 20 years and sill didn't know my way around.

5. I'm an enormous procrastinator - i think this is one thing my husband might change about me if he could

6.  My kids are teens - i know i'm supposed to groan and moan about this - but i really (most of the time) really like them - even more at this age

7. i really hate that blogger doesn't auto-capitalize "i"  -i got lazy with word and stopped doing the shift/i thing - it has nothing to do with D/s at all.


I really have to whimp out and not try to list just 15 blogs i enjoy.  The truth is that i find myself too busy or too unfocused - or maybe both - to really interact and know any the way i would really like to.  And i know there are so many more, especially newer ones, that i do like or would like, but once i start i get lost in them. I follow a very large number of you in reader - it's like a discipline tool - it lets me read what you all write (which i really, really love) but i can't just wander around and browse and get lost in it all.  It will have to do for now.

defending us

I am mostly a facebook voyeur - i rarely post and have relatively few friends - but i do enjoy being able to see or at least read about what some of my far-flung family and friends are up to.  Like life though  - the small sample of the world that are my facebook friends are all over the map (globe actually) in all kinds of areas: geograpically yes, but also politically, socially, in age and interests, and especially religiously.


A recent post on facebook was about how 50 Shades should be denounced from the pulpits: it is the new, biggest, stealth threat to marriage, family values, and the fabric of society all around.  The writer of course cited chapter and verse as to how the ideas of dominance and submission (to say nothing of any of the kinky stuff) was counter to how the Bible tells us to live, and more specifically to be married.  I ignored the obvious irony of the many chapters and verses often cited to tell us we are supposed to live in (male) dominance and (female) submission, and moved on.
  
But some of the post fed into a running commentary I sometimes have in my head.   Something will trigger it, maybe a friend who says something, or this facebook thing, or like a certain blog troll who has recently gone away... How would i explain how we live, or more importantly why, if i had to defend it?  


On one hand - we really don't actually have to defend ourselves to anyone - real or imagined. But on the other hand, i do believe that people should do what they do intentionally: they should be able to explain why they have chosen what they have. That isn't at all the same as justifying, or convincing the other person, or even trying to, but one should be able to say why a choice was made.


On one level, it would be easy to defend the HoH, his being in charge, general everyday submission thing to strangers - lots of people live that way and think it's perfectly normal or even how it is supposed to be.  We wouldn't seem so unusual, could just pass it off.  Except to anyone who knows me....


So for the mental and emotional aspects of D/s 24/7 - i do know what it comes down to for me.  We can relate to each other well on a level playing field, but shifting the power dynamic taps into something for us that allows it to be much deeper and much more connected.  Lots of analogies come to mind: water won't flow on level ground - but on a slant you get a beautiful river; skimming along on the surface is fine, but to dive, or to fly for that matter, requires the object to tilt, the leading part must not be level with the trailing part to reach depths or heights.  Of course analogies don't really explain, they just help the other person visualize.  


The shift in the power dynamic allows me to be open to him being the way he really wants to be for me.  And it allows him to be free to be with me that way that i never knew i really wanted, but do.  (that's not clear - really?!?)


He wants, i think, to take care of me, to raise me up, to guide me, to protect me, to push me, to really know me, and to know he has all of me.  That's not a role for someone in a level, peer-to-peer relationship.  It requires the other to listen, to follow, to be guided, to try, and to be open. For some reason (which i can not in fact explain) a deep part of me wants to do those things - for him.  It meets a need or a desire for me to work to give him that, to please him. 


Actually - that's too simple.  It's not just that it feels good to please him that works for me - it taps into something for me to have these things demanded of me. It meets a direct need of mine.  I want to be pushed and challenged and held to accounts and owned.  That's the particular admission that is very uncomfortable for me - why should i want this, is sounds so passive and incompetent and lazy?  And i have no answer except that the end result is just so much better when we go this way.  


I think that it works twofold for him as well - although he doesn't discuss his side of things much at all, so maybe this is wishful thinking or justifying on my part.  I want to believe that he derives some joy in pleasing me, that he likes providing what i really want (to be pushed, dominated, etc) as counter intuitive as my desires may be.   And i want to believe that it taps into something deeper for him to guide and push and dominate and possess, that it is a desire or maybe need for him to do and be those things.


All of the ways we interact that are different now, the rituals we have, the ways we play, the ways we speak at times - all are just ways of expressing, showing each other, and reinforcing the basic dynamic.  

Home

This type of thing was a big part of our trip. It was fantastic!

We are going to miss the climate, although we are looking forward to having darkness at night again.

This was the kind of paddling we had, not so much the other kind.  That was rectified this morning though - jetlag and waking at 4 am have their upsides.



I had lots of thought over the past few weeks - about things like marriage, what's morally right or wrong and who gets to tell us which is which, pornography, training wheels, being horny, my collar, being intimidating, defending myself, balance, and what a truly lucky girl i really am.  If the stars align, i may be able to hash out some of these ideas - at the time some of them felt very important - although now it feels more like silly, unnecessary overthinking.