For a change, i'm working on not wondering.
I didn't think it was going to happen this summer - but it looks like there will be 5 days that the boys will both be away, and if the stars align a little further - he may actually be in town for some of those too.
The thing is - it has been so very long since we have had a chance to play, scene, whatever you want to call it, with actual time and actual privacy. (Scene sounds like there would be an audience - that alone pushes buttons for me).
And i'm anxious, and excited, and very, very nervous. I remember that i like this - i think about it and dream about it and i know that it has been very, very good....sometime in the past.
And it's not like there aren't measures of pain and control, and that rougher, removed, aloof thing, and even a touch of humiliation, in most of our intimate moments...
But frankly - i'm a bit scared.
What if my body forgets it likes this? What if my brain does? What if i can't handle it? What if i can't keep up or give him what he wants? What if he has to slow down on my account?
What if he's really just doing it for me in the first place? What if i'm making assumptions that anything will take place at all, maybe he's not interested? What if i let the anticipation build and then plans change and it all falls apart?
What if all the what if's keep me from being able to let go and follow him?