This happens too often, or some variation on the theme....
When he gets home today i want to be just right
I have such a nice image in mind
I see myself greeting him
I see myself calm, quiet, content, subdued, focused on him, attending to him, being what and how he wants me to be, adapting for him, moment by moment... in a word, perfectly submissive
The real life, active embodiment of this...
Instead i will more likely be wound up, distracted, hyper, and silly
or interrupted, edgy, impatient and sarcastic
or hot, grumpy, lethargic and lazy
or any number of other ways that likely aren't what he would wish for as he walks in the door
I know, I know - it is within my power to be the things i see
Stop wishing- just do it -
Make it so
Right?
I wonder if i'm even capable of such a thing....
Of course you are capable. about 10-15 minutes get dressed- or undressed! sit cross-legged on a small pillow and meditate on all the things you could and want to do. All at once he will arrive!
ReplyDeleteand you will amaze him!
I would love to hear how it all happened after that. . .I DARE you!
thank you. In reality - this isn't possible - kids, really unpredictable arrival times, places to go/things to do, etc... But the spirit of it is and i did. I worked hard to take care of or come to terms with whatever else might be going on so that whenever he got home i could stop and greet him and not be so off. I accompanied him upstairs while he changed his clothes and kneeled on the bed, he laughed and kind of poked fun at me for thinking i should or could greet him that way - but also let me know how much he appreciated my good mood and the way i had greeted him.
DeleteOh, I get the sentiment on feeling like there is a lot of perfection online (like the glossy magazines and television).
ReplyDeleteFrom my own experiences, this is one of those things I would have a conversation with my partner on (What do you want when you come home? How do you see it? What can I do?) and go from there..find something that will work in the structure of your relationship.
And when something interrupts--like this life---that despite all the good intentions makes it impossible not to achieve that, try not to be so hard on yourself :o)
He read my post from the airport on his way home and was able to IM with me - he went down the list in the post and let me know exactly what he does and does not want - what is acceptable and what he really dislikes. It was just what i needed to know and made all the difference to hear him say he does want certain things.
DeleteYou will be you.
ReplyDeleteWhich is in itself, Just Right.
The other stuff is just icing. ;-D
I do see your point - sadly, sometimes my moods are not so much icing as they are horrible and indigestible glop making the whole thing unpalatable.
DeleteMaybe just concentrate on doing ONE simple thing? for example, as soon as he comes in the door, go straight to him, and give him a nice greeting? (with my husband it's a kiss and some nice words, but of course your husband might prefer something different)
ReplyDeleteThen I go back to the chaos (we have 6 kids & no 7 is due in January), and when he's sorted himself out he comes & finds me and we chat about our days... Makes a nice re-entry to couple-ness if you see what I mean, when naked kneeling isn't possible...
Wow - Congratulations!! I think you have it right- he likes for me to bother to stop what i'm doing and come say hi, give him a kiss, and chat for a few minutes, then we can all move onto whatever needs to be next. The effort part for me is in not dumping whatever frustration i am having onto him.
DeleteWould *he* like to see you in the "glossy perfection" of D/s? Or is he happy to know that you are thinking of him and making him happy when he comes home, etc? Often it isn't the acts, it is the attitude, that the D types find most pleasing. The actions express what is in our hearts, yes, but if it is freely offered (even if you're cranky, recognizing it and giving him a smile and a "sorry hon, i'm not at my best today" means a lot!), they often love it even more than seeing you kneeling and "perfect in your submission"!
ReplyDeleteOr that's my thoughts anyway. :D
Thank you. No - he's not looking for perfection (or he would be sorely disappointed). He likes to be welcomed back and made to feel that people (me too) are glad to have him back. And you're right - it would much better for me to shift my mood - or at least be able to tell him what's up and not take it out on him.
DeleteI suspect that what you give is exactly what he wants.
ReplyDeleteSometimes yes - but sometimes i am quite unpleasant and this is one of the areas in which i'm not just not particularly submissive, but i'm just not very nice.
DeleteDamn the glossy magazines...I totally get what you mean.
ReplyDeleteBut I think the perfection comes in our flaws. That raw unfiltered place where we are just ourselves. Nothing more. Nothing less. After all, that's what they really love us for right?
And I think that is one of the truest forms of submission we can offer. At least I'm hoping so lol.
Okay, I give up--I'm just making an overcomplicated version of Jz's nice and straight to the point statement, I think.
Sorry if I'm not making sense--work kicked my butt today.
I never have any doubts that he loves me, all of me. And being open about the things that bother me, scare me, upset me has been a big part of this whole thing. this particular issue i think has to do with my making some effort to manage myself. You do make sense - this isn't a case of me hiding myself or suppressing myself - but of being at least as civil to him as i would to a stranger.
DeleteI always envision things going differently when Master arrives than it ever ends up actually going. Master is very . . . how can I say this . . . he takes over. No matter how I try to set the mood, he ends up being the one to set it. Often he'll just start going off on a certain subject, like work, or what I should call my apt manager about, or even how I should cut the pastries he brought, and the whole mood I was trying to set gets sidetracked. The only thing I know is he wants me topless when he arrives. I'm beginning to think I need to just stop greeting him at the door and instead be on my knees in the bedroom, so that way no other issues will throw off the mood. Maybe if I do that one time, he'll make it a rule, and then we can start the sexy part of the evening off on the right foot, instead of after fussing over the other stuff.
ReplyDeleteYou mean your master is take charge and dominant? ;) Hmm - it's worth a shot - although he sounds like the kind of guy who will have it all his way no matter what.
DeleteYes, he's take charge and dominant. Hee. But the thing is, he wants the sexual activity to happen first and immediately. So . . . fussing over the other stuff right as he walks in the door totally throws off the sexy mood I tried to get in before he arrived. You see. So, I'm hoping that if I'm already in the bedroom, he'll just put down the pastries and come to the bedroom, without talking about the other stuff that kills my libido. I think this will work, and he'll actually prefer it this way.
ReplyDelete