I am mostly a facebook voyeur - i rarely post and have relatively few friends - but i do enjoy being able to see or at least read about what some of my far-flung family and friends are up to. Like life though - the small sample of the world that are my facebook friends are all over the map (globe actually) in all kinds of areas: geograpically yes, but also politically, socially, in age and interests, and especially religiously.
A recent post on facebook was about how 50 Shades should be denounced from the pulpits: it is the new, biggest, stealth threat to marriage, family values, and the fabric of society all around. The writer of course cited chapter and verse as to how the ideas of dominance and submission (to say nothing of any of the kinky stuff) was counter to how the Bible tells us to live, and more specifically to be married. I ignored the obvious irony of the many chapters and verses often cited to tell us we are supposed to live in (male) dominance and (female) submission, and moved on.
But some of the post fed into a running commentary I sometimes have in my head. Something will trigger it, maybe a friend who says something, or this facebook thing, or like a certain blog troll who has recently gone away... How would i explain how we live, or more importantly why, if i had to defend it?
On one hand - we really don't actually have to defend ourselves to anyone - real or imagined. But on the other hand, i do believe that people should do what they do intentionally: they should be able to explain why they have chosen what they have. That isn't at all the same as justifying, or convincing the other person, or even trying to, but one should be able to say why a choice was made.
On one level, it would be easy to defend the HoH, his being in charge, general everyday submission thing to strangers - lots of people live that way and think it's perfectly normal or even how it is supposed to be. We wouldn't seem so unusual, could just pass it off. Except to anyone who knows me....
So for the mental and emotional aspects of D/s 24/7 - i do know what it comes down to for me. We can relate to each other well on a level playing field, but shifting the power dynamic taps into something for us that allows it to be much deeper and much more connected. Lots of analogies come to mind: water won't flow on level ground - but on a slant you get a beautiful river; skimming along on the surface is fine, but to dive, or to fly for that matter, requires the object to tilt, the leading part must not be level with the trailing part to reach depths or heights. Of course analogies don't really explain, they just help the other person visualize.
The shift in the power dynamic allows me to be open to him being the way he really wants to be for me. And it allows him to be free to be with me that way that i never knew i really wanted, but do. (that's not clear - really?!?)
He wants, i think, to take care of me, to raise me up, to guide me, to protect me, to push me, to really know me, and to know he has all of me. That's not a role for someone in a level, peer-to-peer relationship. It requires the other to listen, to follow, to be guided, to try, and to be open. For some reason (which i can not in fact explain) a deep part of me wants to do those things - for him. It meets a need or a desire for me to work to give him that, to please him.
Actually - that's too simple. It's not just that it feels good to please him that works for me - it taps into something for me to have these things demanded of me. It meets a direct need of mine. I want to be pushed and challenged and held to accounts and owned. That's the particular admission that is very uncomfortable for me - why should i want this, is sounds so passive and incompetent and lazy? And i have no answer except that the end result is just so much better when we go this way.
I think that it works twofold for him as well - although he doesn't discuss his side of things much at all, so maybe this is wishful thinking or justifying on my part. I want to believe that he derives some joy in pleasing me, that he likes providing what i really want (to be pushed, dominated, etc) as counter intuitive as my desires may be. And i want to believe that it taps into something deeper for him to guide and push and dominate and possess, that it is a desire or maybe need for him to do and be those things.
All of the ways we interact that are different now, the rituals we have, the ways we play, the ways we speak at times - all are just ways of expressing, showing each other, and reinforcing the basic dynamic.