I've been trying to write this for awhile now. I can't and i think it's because i just can't come to any conclusions in my head. Sort of begs the question why i'm putting anything here at all - i'm hoping that if i just list out the different things that run through my head - i will be able to stop worrying about it.
So...........
I've never watched a pornographic movie, of any flavor.
I am far, far more affected by written words than visual images
I know that distinctions among porn vs. smut vs. erotica vs. art are important; but i don't know what the distinctions really are - all i can do is try to define what i'm talking about, which is pretty limited really.
I know that what i read or look at is pretty tame in the grand scheme of things
I feel flawed in this area - i don't seem to function the way most people do when it comes to fantasy, arousal, using images as part of sex. That is - i don't or can't - at all. Maybe there's some deeply hidden psychological reason, maybe there's just a short in my wiring.
On the plus side, my husband never has to worry about me having images of anyone or anything else in mind when i'm with him, or even when i'm not.
I've only started to discuss this with him - which has had me feeling worried, anxious, fearful, maybe guilty. I don't (didn't) have any idea how he felt about porn in general or my reading or viewing it specifically.
That's part of the reason for posting this - it's easier than trying to say all this to him face to face.
He has known that i read erotic fiction/smut/stories/blogs - i share what i like with him sometimes, and he has access to my passwords, browser history, often looks over my shoulder. So at least i knew he didn't want me not to.
I've shown him a sample of the kinds of images i look at - he didn't have a lot to say although i think he was a little surprised
He did ask if i had considered the issues surrounding the industry in general and wondered if they were as prevalent with stills as with movies - something more to think about - are there really so many women who are truly okay with being beaten, degraded and filmed in the process? -is it consensual or just a worse level of exploitation? Is it all faked anyhow?
Another argument against porn is that, even in the context of a marriage, it leads one partner to lust after other people instead of their own partner - he or she couldn't measure up so it creates envy and temptation and disharmony and emotional adultery
Ok - so i know there's no lust for anyone else in my head - but - there's a world of ideas there that he has not much idea about - that he isn't part of - a context he doesn't have.
Is that ok?
It doesn't make me want someone else, but does it make me want something else? Does it create unfair comparisons - or is it like a food magazine - inspires ideas, widens horizons, inspires creativity (or at least openness) on my part
It makes me face myself - what does excite, arouse, appeal - some of it's not so comfortable - some i think i ought to be appalled at and wonder why i'm not - this is true for pictures and writing - shouldn't i be worried about what does arouse me?
I'm also not entirely comfortable with him knowing these particulars about me. It was easy to turn sex all over to him - whatever happened, or didn't, was his choice. Yes i participate, enjoy, even crave - but there is a level of deniability, even if it's barely plausible.
I turn to porn when he's gone, or less available, or when i'm needier... it certainly doesn't make me less needy, but it doesn't satisfy the need either - it ramps it up, but in a way i obviously seek out - more stuff i don't understand about myself
OK - this whole thing feels way too much like listing my sins at confession way back when...
I like the cookbook comparison. For me, I have actually watched and participated in much less porn since TTWD - I really do take the ideas that I see and bring them back now.
ReplyDeleteAs far as the industry issues - the same could be said about many industries frankly. Most of our lives are a direct result of third world degradation - non-livable wages, tragic working conditions, child labor, etc. etc.
That doesn't excuse one industry over the other, but maybe it helps you set that part aside while you are trying to figure out where you sit in all of this.
And as a sometimes smutty writer, I worry about adding to the degradation of the world from time to time. But at least I know that I am not degrading anyone in my relationship, so that is a bit comforting.
This is a good discussion topic. :)
I would love to get to the place where i can use this as a way to bring him ideas and let him know what intrigues me. I'm a long way from that. And i think writing is completely different from images - it doesn't occur to me to think that a writer might be coming from a place of degradation, i always imagined that a person would need to be fairly at ease with herself to write that way.
DeleteI was just thinking about this, probably because we watched porn this weekend. I am not a huge fan of it as I much prefer to read it than see it. But, Musicman likes to watch it and we have off and on over our entire relationship. We have even made our own several times.
ReplyDeleteFor me it is very much like a cookbook, a way to find new things, experience something I might not be up to experiencing in person even though the idea intrigues.
As for the industry issues, well, people take advantage of others no matter what industry it is. We have certain standards of viewing that we adhere too. We don't care for ones that protray violence or degradation, and we stay away from the ones where the girls appear very young. Skeeves me out too much to watch that.
For us, watching porn together is a healthy part of our relationship. We take turns picking what we want to watch and we talk about what we liked, what we didn't like and why. I have also noticed that it helps with the non verbal communication too. He tends to watch me and my reactions rather than the porn, it gives him a better idea of what is going on with me then I can sometimes verbalize.
We are slowly talking about this and how i can get to the point that i could use this as a way to communicate to him things i might like. I like that he watches you for your responses- although i'm not sure i woudln't be entirely too self conscious.
DeleteI can't be aroused by images or videos either. I can appreciate the artistic merit of a finely posed erotic image, but there's nothing in the sexual part of my brain that has ever stirred from an image or video.
ReplyDeleteWords and sensations are what do it for me, even during sex itself. The written erotica I peruse for ideas too, or in some cases to share in others' lives. I did once get turned on by stories, but since living this life, nothing short of experience - or remembered experience - will do it for me.
I am much much more affected by stories also. My responses to images have been interesting - and uncomfortable sometimes - it's not just arousal, it's the intrigue with things i feel like should seem abhorrent, or a craving of a different sort that surprises me.
DeleteI am mostly puzzled by porn.
ReplyDeletetraditional porn (with a man as the target audience) doesn't do anything for me -- typically, it has the opposite affect. Vanilla porn seems distant, fake and boring to me. D/s porn makes me feel sorry for the sub....which is silly...I feel sorry for the sub even when the sub is begging for it -- even when he/she seems to really want it and need it.
I am not visual.
when I fantasize - it's not with clear visual images
I do like written porn -- erotica -- and part of that may be that porn that is targeted to men is so poorly produced. So focused on the ACTION -- and not on the attraction. Because it's not written for me.
now -- would I like porn if I watched it with my partner -- lol -- well -- yes -- because watching it with him would be something he desired -- and therefore doing it to please him would turn me on -- um -- not the porn itself -- but by giving him what he wanted
we are complex -- are we not?
sfp
You and i say complex - my husband says pain in the ass. The twists are certainly something. And the not visual part - maybe that's it for me - i don't use visual images, so i assume i don't really fantasize, but i do have sensations, physical and kinesthetic 'images' going on.
DeleteThere is a lot to learn in this lifestyle, and if you are really exploring BDSM the main way you can do that is by looking at images. To see what appeals and what looks horrifying. It sounds like you are just really exploring and learning right now and especially if you are not a fantasy person the visual element is likely what you need to explore this.
ReplyDeletei think that is true - and i'm finding that tall the things i'm learning about myself are not necessarily easy.
DeleteThe written word does a lot more for me than porn does. I think that's because there's a wider variety to choose from and it's creating my own images.
ReplyDeleteNone-kinky porn bores me. Like sit there cleaning my fingernails and planning next week's dinner bores. And the kinky stuff...I dunno. A lot of it, even if it's things I enjoy or fantasize about, just makes me end up feeling sorry for the girls. Which isn't really a turn on either.
I used to be bothered quite a bit when my husband watched porn. But I see emotional infidelity as being a step further than watching something.
Having been guilty of that kind of infidelity in the past, I think that it occurs when we take it beyond watching and begin interacting with the object of our fantasies.
I think that, even though most porn actresses are annoyingly perfect (creating unrealistic standards and unfair comparisons) in the end, it's just a tool to get off with.
Should probably have had more coffee before commenting...
It is an endlessly amazing thing to me - that relinquishing control - well not actually control - but the ability to object - has removed the worry or paranoia i would have had about things like that. I don't think he does watch porn - i don't know. But i find it easy now to accept the idea of him looking, watching, imagining... Likewise, i do look around but i never find myself thinking about anyone but him.
DeleteHello,
ReplyDeletePorn is a tricky subject, isn't it? I live a rather explicit life with a man I love, a man I call my Master and even though I am free, nay encouraged to share my deepest, darkest thoughts and desires I still shy away sometimes. And even though we have watched pornographic videos and looked at numerous explicit photographs, I still pose the similar questions such as yourself. Is porn really about freedom of expression? Do the women genuinely love their careers? Have we simply pushed aside the "ugly" part of porn because it appears so mainstream nowadays? Even at the age of 39 with all the experiences I have had I still question porn and the industry as a whole and I think that is okay. I think it is okay to continue to reflect and question.
Wishing you well,
~a
i think i have really limited experience with porn - playing in the shallow end i guess. I know there is exploitation all over - i think it hits me now and then that, just because my feelings about sex have changed dramatically, for most people it's an area that leads to greater degradation and humiliation and pain than exploitation in other areas can.
DeleteI put some posts on my old blog about why I don't like porn, and/or specific things I don't like in it. If I peruse dirty Tumblrs filled with porn, I might actually enjoy 1% of the images? Porn needs to NOT include a whole list in order for it to turn me on. No extra woman, no tattoes, no piercings, no going from arse to another opening, no torture devices, no weights stretching parts out of shape, etc. On the rare occasion that I find a picture of a man f*cking a woman, tied up is a plus, but with none of the above stuff included, I like it.
ReplyDeleteThe stuff online now doesn't in any way resemble what was porn of the 80's and 90's, which back then was very standard sex, no bondage, no beating, no strangling, no fisting, no peeing, no torture, nothing like that. Now when I see anything online, it's almost ALL that.
i'm still getting a feel for what does and doesn't impact me and how. that may be part of why writing works better too - not smacked in the face with the elements that are not what you want.
Delete