I've gotten much better, most of the time, but sometimes there's a silliness that creeps in and twists into my rational brain and takes over. One of those things has been the notion that he is doing all of this for me - that he is not really interested in power exchange, in being the D side of things, in kinky sex - or really sex at all - he's just doing it to humor me.
It does sound silly - in the light of day. But this lack of belief and mistrust on my part is and has been damaging to us and insulting to him.
My wondering about porn has led to some discussions between us that have been revealing and uncomfortable for me. The other night, after an uneasy conversation, he played with me. He played, ever so gently, too with humiliation. It was at the time just right and (ironically) very reassuring. He played, he came, and he played with me some more, then he rolled over and went to sleep. He left me reassured but horny as hell.
The next evening i let him know - not particularly gracefully or subtly - exactly how horny i was. I hinted and pouted and was generally a brat. At bedtime he told me, essentially, now or never, come and get it or forget it. Of course that registered to me as mercy sex - as, "I'm not really interested, but i'll oblige you just to get you off my back." And he knew exactly what was going through my head; we've been here before and he really doesn't like that place.
He tried to point out that the idea of a guy, or at least him, not wanting sex, just doing it to get it over with, was ridiculous. I dunno - i'm not a guy - seems plausible to me. I think he gave up trying to convince me.
The more serious part of the issue was about him doing things for me. I'm not good at having things done for me in any context. Things work well if i believe it's what he wants, even if i do too. Things fall completely apart, i fall apart, if i think he's doing it because i wanted it, or that i somehow manipulated him into doing it. Maybe that's why submission is good for me - it accommodates my weakness. Maybe i'm not good at having things done for me because i'm submissive - maybe it's just semantics. And if there's anything my husband really dislikes, it's getting caught up in drama over semantics.
He saw what was coming and stopped me, held me still, looked me in the eye, and told me that he will do things for me, for the rest of our lives. That this is what he needs to do as my husband, as a man, and as my master. End of discussion, no semantics, no drama.