Tuesday, July 17, 2012

I'm going to do things for you for the rest of our lives; or, there is no such thing as mercy sex.

I've gotten much better, most of the time, but sometimes there's a silliness that creeps in and twists into my rational brain and takes over.  One of those things has been the notion that he is doing all of this for me - that he is not really interested in power exchange, in being the D side of things, in kinky sex - or really sex at all - he's just doing it to humor me. 


It does sound silly - in the light of day.  But this lack of belief and mistrust on my part is and has been damaging to us and insulting to him.  


My wondering about porn has led to some discussions between us that have been revealing and uncomfortable for me.  The other night, after an uneasy conversation, he played with me.  He played, ever so gently, too with humiliation.  It was at the time just right and (ironically) very reassuring.  He played, he came, and he played with me some more, then he rolled over and went to sleep.  He left me reassured but horny as hell.


The next evening i let him know - not particularly gracefully or subtly - exactly how horny i was.  I hinted and pouted and was generally a brat.  At bedtime he told me, essentially, now or never, come and get it or forget it.  Of course that registered to me as mercy sex - as, "I'm not really interested, but i'll oblige you just to get you off my back."  And he knew exactly what was going through my head; we've been here before and he really doesn't like that place.


He tried to point out that the idea of a guy, or at least him, not wanting sex, just doing it to get it over with, was ridiculous.  I dunno - i'm not a guy - seems plausible to me.  I think he gave up trying to convince me.  


The more serious part of the issue was about him doing things for me.  I'm not good at having things done for me in any context.  Things work well if i believe it's what he wants, even if i do too.  Things fall completely apart, i fall apart, if i think he's doing it because i wanted it, or that i somehow manipulated him into doing it.  Maybe that's why submission is good for me - it accommodates my weakness.   Maybe i'm not good at having things done for me because i'm submissive - maybe it's just semantics.  And if there's anything my husband really dislikes, it's getting caught up in drama over semantics.    


He saw what was coming and stopped me, held me still, looked me in the eye, and told me that he will do things for me, for the rest of our lives.  That this is what he needs to do as my husband, as a man, and as my master.  End of discussion, no semantics, no drama.  



21 comments:

  1. Joy sometimes has exactly this same concern, greengirl--that I'm doing things because she wants them rather than because I want them. Spankings come to mind--we had this discussion just the other night because she needed reassurance that I wanted to spank her, and we didn't do it just because she wants/needs it.

    I suspect that your husband feels much the same way that I do. Of course, part of the reason we do all sorts of things up to and including sex and sexual activity is because our wives want them! But that's only part of the reason. The other part is because we want them ourselves, because they excite us, and because we get pleasure from them.

    IMHO, one of the hallmarks of TTWD as opposed to abuse is that the Dominant is motivated to take care of their partner, rather than just to take care of themselves. Giving, pleasing and performing acts of service are all part of "taking care", even if they come disguised with a riding crop, a ball gag or a set of handcuffs.

    My $.02, for what it's worth...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jake,
      Giving, pleasing and performing acts of service are all part of "taking care", even if they come disguised with a riding crop, a ball gag or a set of handcuffs. - - i love that line. And i have no idea why this is so tough for me - and i think other women too. thanks.

      Delete
  2. I totally get this. I have checked in with H sooo many times - are you sure you are okay with this? He says yes, but how can you be sure?

    Also, I have talked us right out of having sex. Grrr....

    I love that Jake put in his two cents. It is always nice to hear from the other side. And I would add that doing things because we want them is not only great, it is a gift. And I reminded to be gracious when I accept gifts. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Kitty,
      Exactly - ow can you be sure - my husband says i need to trust him - not assume he's lying - why is that so hard for me? And yea - i've talked us out of sex too - i'm really glad he pushes through now instead of backing off, that in itself is incredibly reassuring.

      Delete
  3. oh -- we really do project how our world works onto them

    because there are times when we're not into it
    but men?
    if they love their partner
    and there's not other things that is distracting them

    they generally want sex
    and think about sex way more than we do.

    good for him for catching you at it
    and calling it out.

    sfp

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. sfp,
      we do - and i can't seem to really, really believe him when he tries to explain that he is not like me at all, that my assumptions just don't make sense to him.

      Delete
  4. I am always into it - but I have been here so many times too. I love "I am going to do things to you for the rest of our lives."

    Awesome.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Conina,
      somehow - his telling me to suck it up and accept it does make it easier to let go and accept. go figure .

      Delete
  5. He was right on all fronts.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sir J,
      He has an annoying habit of being just that too often.

      Delete
  6. Well when he puts it like that it's hard to disagree with...In fact, I think it makes perfect sense.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. lil,
      It does - now i just need to internalize it and remember it.

      Delete
  7. Oh I hear you.
    Its taken me for ever to accept that whole, "I will take care of you. I want to take care of you. I will do things for you."
    And I'm constantly working on it...I've been playing with trying to look at this "allowance" of when I smoothly give in to being taken care of, as part of submission...when he's taking care of me, he's taking control. When I go with the flow of that, I'm submitting.
    And agree with the others: Awesome end of conversation line :o)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. BleuAme,
      'I've been playing with trying to look at this "allowance" of when I smoothly give in to being taken care of, as part of submission.' -- i think that is the key, and not just a mind trick to make it work. For me this is one of the hard parts, so i have to work on it - but it is what he wants, one of the areas he truly cares about most. Thank you for reminding me.

      Delete
  8. Anon - I'm not sure why your comment came to my inbox and not here - but the picture is one my sons took - plugged into a standard Blogger template. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Master recently told me when he wants to do something for me and I try to get in the way of it I am not submitting. Luckliy, he didn't point it out at the time of the incident (I did submit but I guess I did not look as enthusiastic as he would have prefered) but he talked to me about it later to make sure I understood.

    I think many of us get caught up in wondering if we are too much of a burden, if dominating is just one more thing on the "to do" list for the day. I am sure some days may feel like this for our Master's/Sir's/Dom's in the same way that some days submitting feels daunting to us but I believe those times are fleeting.

    I hope that made sense and I am glad the drama was stopped in it's tracks.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. db,
      that's a good way of looking at it - that getting in the way is not submitting - it really is a trust or believing him thing for me - if he says this is the way he has decided to do it - i need to believe it is really what he wants - all variables considered. thanks.

      Delete
  10. Oh yes I hear this post loud and clear too. Also, loved your last paragraph :)

    Dee x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. dee,
      Thank you. And - good to see you back.

      Delete
  11. This!...... told me that he will do things for me, for the rest of our lives. That this is what he needs to do as my husband, as a man, and as my master. End of discussion, no semantics, no drama.
    Say's it all!

    ReplyDelete
  12. That did it for me too - and i think it will stick. thanks.

    ReplyDelete