Saturday, February 23, 2013

mixed feelings

I suppose most of my posts could have that title - but it is what it is today.

The past few weeks have became increasingly difficult for me. Like most things in life - there are a lot of factors.  I have a lot of things happening very quickly at work, most of them really good and exciting things, but work is work, deadlines are deadlines, and stress is stress even if it's the good kind.

The process of figuring out how to relate with our teenager, who is trying very hard to become his own - very, very complex person - is proving very much more trying than i had imagined it would.  The hard parts just aren't at all the parts i imagined they would be.  

Any time or effort to take care of myself had gone out the window.  Way too little sleep and no exercise, no unwinding, only lots and lots of time spent sitting working, and worrying.

I fell apart. The worst part is that my husband was really, really looking forward to having me with him, to being able to spend some time away with me, to just being with me.  And i couldn't give him that.

He was upset, and disappointed  rightly so.  He has arranged things for me to rest - mentally and physically - this is absolutely what i need.  I can't protest or pretend otherwise.

My mixed feelings are around taking care of me and our roles in that.  Clearly i need to, have a responsibility to, owe it to him to, take care of myself.  I guess there's really no ambiguity in that.  I had let myself get far too overwhelmed, not out of laziness or a belief that it wasn't my responsibility, but purely out of being overwhelmed.

I think i started writing this with mixed feelings - maybe along the lines of it not feeling very submissive to be in charge enough of all the things that were going on to manage them properly.  It felt, in fact very independent and disengaged from him, not just while he was away, but for some weeks before that as well.  I've (mostly) reconciled the duality of submission with him vs. how i am at my best with work and the larger world in general.  This had more to do with our lives and my roles within our lives, turning things over to him, relinquishing control vs. being useful and supportive and enjoyable to him.

But - i think i see that it really is my responsibility, that i need to find a way to maintain my submission to him while managing the stressors outside of him.  He will want me to ask for help when i need it, but he will want me to protect myself as well, to not end up in this state again.

14 comments:

  1. If you do find out or discover how to relate with a teenager please do let me know lol

    seriously though my son is 15 and im finding mostly its ok but oh sometimes i feel like its a constant battle, he wants to be treated like an adult but when it suits him..im learning to pick my battles wisely.

    Hope things get back to some sort of normality soon, well as normal as it gets.

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    1. tori,
      I've found that he's very agreeable if we just give him his way at all times! He's 15 also and he's good - just different from the boy i'm used to - sometimes so adult it shocks me and in the next moment he's a child again. I am definitely seeing the wisdom of choosing battles wisely - and not letting myself get overwhelmed - i don't respond to him so well then. Thanks.

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  2. It is always, it seems, a balancing act.
    Hang in there green girl ;o)

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    1. blueame,
      that's absolutely it - work/life balance is easy to think about - taking care of myself vs. just doing all that needs doing is an easy balance for me to lose. Thank you.

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  3. Hi green girl, Just found your blog. The journey is a hard, but the reward of love is worth it. All my best, Isabella

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    1. molded by him - welcome. it has been very worthwhile thus far - thank you.

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  4. Life is definitely hard sometimes, gg. All we can do is our best. It sounds like both you and your husband are doing your best to work together to sort things out. Best of luck, and hope all gets better soon!

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    1. Jake,
      we are - thanks - things just get out of alignment sometimes - this is one wher ei need to put more effort.

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  5. I don't think being overwhelmed with the responsibilities of work and raising children has so much to with submission to someone as it has to do with learning how to cope with the anxiety and stress related to all that responsibility. If you were able to put aside 15 minutes a day and find a quiet spot to focus on your breathing and meditate, you'd probably find that over time you felt more centered within yourself and more able to cope with the fact that a number of people need a piece of you. Time to yourself in this way provides you with the calm that enables you to meet the demands of your life better. There are all kinds of meditation but mindfulness meditation is probably the easiest and the most effective day by day. I think if you google 'mindfulness meditation' you'd get enough information to make a start. Just a thought...

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    1. Vesta,
      I absolutely need to learn to manage it, to find a balance that helps me stay healthier and better. Being an introvert - that alone, quiet time is even more important. Your suggestion is an excellent one. Thank you.

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  6. It is so hard to have the focus or energy for TTWD when your mind is preoccupied with other situations. I've had several "fall apart" days myself lately and I know that is such a horrid feeling when you are that depleted. I've been thinking and reading a lot about Sabbath's lately. Overall they are just not built into our lives anymore and I think we are really suffering for it.

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    1. Serenity,
      That is interesting - i was at a lecture that mentioned that very thing recently - that we don't recognize or utilize Sabbaths and it is to our detriment. Slowly - i wil work things back to where they balance out better - I hope. thank you.

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  7. I feel exactly the same at the moment gg (as you know from my blog). I sort of feel I have some making up to do on the submission front lol!

    Hope work calms down somewhat although I imagine that is also nigh on impossible.

    ava x

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    1. Ava Grace,
      I imagine you are truly wrung out. I do hope it has been successful. Work doesn't calm down - you're right - but i need to take make some order of it. Teens on the other hand - who knows. thank you.

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