I know i am His. I believe i am His. I think a lot about what it means to be His - most likely i think about it way too much. Sometimes, more often as time goes on, i feel HIS, and that is new for me.
I'm not great at feeling. Feelings most often get translated into thoughts pretty automatically. And ironically - to put the feelings into words here - or elsewhere - i have to go through thoughts and i lose a lot on the way.
So I've tried recently to pay attention to my feelings and to - i don't know - allow them, really experience them, remember them... Especially my feelings about Him and about being His.
Turns out - it has a lot of flavors.
Largely, feeling His is very much tied to that submissive feeling for me.
Yesterday started with a surprise correction (because he doesn't do punishments) - it was a reminder that he actually does mean for me to follow the rules he has set. I didn't think he had been paying attention or that it would matter. He was and it did. And being called on it made me feel childish (for forgetting and for being called out) and a little ashamed, and a little remorseful, and somehow a little more settled and secure and content than i had just before.
Apparently the morning's correction had put Him in a mindset also. When i got home from work, and through the evening, he growled his desires into my ear and reached out to grab or pinch whenever we had a moment alone. He took several opportunities to make use of me - of my mouth, and especially of my ass. (That is actually still hard for me to write). As bedtime approached, i had a fair idea of what he would be wanting that night.
Switching gears back and forth from work and kids and dinner to being his playtoy, really just his holes, led to some internal eye rolling -i guess the feeling that goes with that is "whatever". Not terribly submissive. But i think he knew that and i know he didn't care. And the feeling of his putting my feelings aside and just continuing with his agenda - that is a priceless feeling for me. That feels submissive, it (oh so very inexplicably) causes warm feelings towards him and a calmer and happier me.
Looking back on the experience that led to my post about rage, it created a lot of very strong feelings - but not at all those i would have expected. There was and is no fear or trepidation or anxiety. There is a very new level of feeling His though.
He played with me, he played with me physically - quite roughly, he took me to a place he wanted to go, a place i didn't know existed, he moved me and manipulated me and played around with me, mentally and emotionally. I was an object, a problem to be solved, something for him to learn about and explore. Yet "I" was not at all part of it, I was the object, I was not "me" in that experience. It was an incredibly detached and third person experience for me.
He wanted to learn about me, he wanted to play with me and explore me - all the parts - not just the physical or sexual. And it feels strangely - fascinating, appealing, good - to think of myself in that way. I now crave that feeling - the one i really can't capture in words yet. I want to be that for him - that feels fulfilling, I want to offer him that. And that's a new flavor of that submissive feeling for me.