Wednesday, March 13, 2013

i can only try

Yoda's wisdom aside - there are things i can't yet do, i can only try.

The past few months or weeks, this past week or two especially - have been - i don't know what - I've been down more, or up and down more would be more accurate.  Sometimes i think i can see what's behind it, sometimes it just hits out of the blue - i will be quite down for no reason i can put my finger on.

This is unusual for me, different from the usual cycles life seems to have....

I hadn't stopped to look at the big picture of it until this past weekend.

I guess it hit a tipping point for my husband - he confronted me about it.  He pointed out what he has seen and felt from me.   He was and is very (understandably) distressed.

I don't know what is behind this, but I think i see some things that may be contributing, changes i can make that i think may help, changes we have already started and which he is guiding and holding me to.

Being confronted with this and the long process of talking through it was an uncomfortable really horrible discussion for me.  And as part of it all, he asked me a question I couldn't answer, "Will you let me help you?"

That question sounds simple, sounds lovely and loving, and sounds like it should be an easy answer.  In the context though, he meant, "Will you be completely open to me?  Will you let me decide what you need to address this?  Will you give me the control and work with me on my terms?"

And i realized i couldn't honestly say yes.

I remember several years ago there being some long back and forth discussions on blogs about ceding control vs. remaining responsible for one's own health and safety, physical and mental.  I remember recognizing at the time that i didn't have the experience to really understand the questions first hand.  The questions are important, from a lot of angles.

I do have more experience now, i have some context and perspective.  I have been able to turn over a  great deal of control, and it has been both far more complicated and also simpler than i ever imagined.

But in being open, in being honest with him, I have to say that just approaching the thought of letting go of the control of my mental health causes an immediate surge of fear and rebellion and turning away.  There is a very clear image in my head of doors closing, locks locking, and a perimeter being secured.

This makes me sad - we've come a long way, i've come a long way, i've been able to open up, turn over to him, and submit in so many ways.  But this response is counter to all of that.

The conventional wisdom seems to go that submissives retain control because they can say no at any time, while slaves have agreed to never say no, they turn over everything at one time.  The implication being that they are ABLE to turn over control of every part of themselves.  I am not able to.

I've struggled a great deal with that construct - not the terms - I don't care what I'm called - but with the idea that the only possibilities are my retaining all the real power vs. my turning over any and everything.  I have in fact agreed to turn over any and everything to him - and in theory, in desire, in intention - i do.  I don't want to retain the power, i want to turn it over to him.  It is in the reality of actually being able to do so that i wonder how it works, that i think the construct doesn't take into account being human, or at least, my humanity.

I can give him behaviors - do or not do what he wants, but even that, only within the limits of my physical capability.  Thoughts and attitudes and feelings - I have worked to alter where he wants me to, but that takes time and my effort, it's not an automatic, "He says - I comply."

Letting him into my head  at the level he is asking is light years beyond that for me in difficulty.  I want to comply - i want to be able to comply - but i will have to work to be able to turn that piece over.


  1. That openness they need is hard. Expressing it seems impossible. But...once you begin it's empowering.

    Taking it slow....building that kind of trust takes time, very similar process as it takes to trust them with play...yanno?


    1. Mouse,
      It really is hard - it does seem impossible at this point - i'm not even sure how to start to work on it. I suppose asking him would be a place to start. I'm curious about the empowering part - I have found that with other aspects - but i can't see from here how that would work in this. I think i have some backtracking and re-learning to do. thank you.

  2. This i can relate to, sometimes i want to close down (self protection perhaps?)..recently been through this struggle.

    As mouse said it just takes time....and its difficult because it opens up one to being vunerable, and that in itself is scary.


    1. tori,
      Self-protection describes the impulse perfectly - risking my body is relatively easy, risking my mind and my being - that is very much harder. Plus - my body - he can see what he's doing - with this, only I can really see, or - i suppose - he has to rely on me to convey to him what's going on. That's a lot of trust - on both our parts come to think of it. Thank you.


  3. gg, I don't think, regardless of what one calls oneself, that any one of us ever turns themselves over to anyone else, 100% of the time, in all things, not completely and unconditionally. I think it happens at times, within limits, in areas, erratically...submission and control ebbs and flows. You can try. You can choose to, but your mind and spirit do have a will of their own. It's perhaps sort of like when you fall unconscious you WILL continue to breathe. When you surrender control, there is a natural life force that WILL assert itself with certain triggers, looking for control, for survival of the self. But, I also think, with time and effort, if you choose to cede control in the area of your mental health, you mostly can. But then, mental health is a fragile thing, something that stems fro within, and only You can see and report what is within. So you'd need to partner in this effort. You can't give up all control and have him do it (whatever it is) all for you. You'd have to decide to follow and do.

    I hope you feel better!


    1. Sara,
      That is part of what i wonder - that anyone can really let go of everything, at all, much less so easily. Whatever it is that we are or do, it is a continual process, it just can't be anything but. You're right - i think that ceding physical control is relatively simpler. And - my mind is still so internal, so inaccessible except through me - that i have to be part of the process, i have to communicate what's there, and i have to cooperate with whatever happens.

      I've managed to make this all sound so dramatic. In some ways it is huge, just my response indicates that. On the other hand - communication and cooperation, and trust, are what he is looking for, not brainwashing or total mind control. A lot of what's going on right now i think will be helped with changes to some habits (sleep, exercise, etc) and restoring some balance. Nothing that should be threatening. I suppose my current wondering is at the fact that i still look at it in terms of my drawing the line - this is acceptable, that i wouldn't go along with...

      thank you

  4. This is really big stuff, gg.
    And at the same time, it's not--or doesn't have to be. I agree with everything you said, and what others have said. I'd add: Keep it very simple. Maybe he can ask you one question a day you commit to answer with complete openness-obviously that's just an example, as I don't know specifics. The point is-agree to take baby steps. This is another layer for you both. I promise-if you turn into some weird Stepford Wife, non gg person, we'll let you know and stage an intervention!

    1. Saoirse,
      Thank you- for the promise and the suggestions. I get surprised all over again every time i run into another layer i hadn't known was there.

  5. GG: There is so much here. And its deep and heavy and I wish I had words to give.
    Sometimes, coming against all the miles we have traveled and realizing we can't do one damn more without veering off into a ditch, is scary. Sometimes, the thought of not being able to continue on that road we thought we learned and knew is terrifying.
    But, sometimes too, these emotions get lodged in our minds and are HUGE. They seem HUGE. But then, when your other half does something--something that reminds you of where you were years ago, or who you were and they were--it can remind us we are still us (I am still me, he is still him) and centre it all over again. Sometimes you just need a break and let the miles settle. You can always continue on again; how and why and when, that's all up to you.
    And I've rambled.
    Lots and lots of hugs, GG!

  6. Bleuame,
    It really is work, and sometimes just hard, but then there are the times when the work fees so productive, like we're really going somewhere good. You're right, we needed to hit this and settle and start up again. Thank you so much.