The past few months or weeks, this past week or two especially - have been - i don't know what - I've been down more, or up and down more would be more accurate. Sometimes i think i can see what's behind it, sometimes it just hits out of the blue - i will be quite down for no reason i can put my finger on.
This is unusual for me, different from the usual cycles life seems to have....
I hadn't stopped to look at the big picture of it until this past weekend.
I guess it hit a tipping point for my husband - he confronted me about it. He pointed out what he has seen and felt from me. He was and is very (understandably) distressed.
I don't know what is behind this, but I think i see some things that may be contributing, changes i can make that i think may help, changes we have already started and which he is guiding and holding me to.
Being confronted with this and the long process of talking through it was an
That question sounds simple, sounds lovely and loving, and sounds like it should be an easy answer. In the context though, he meant, "Will you be completely open to me? Will you let me decide what you need to address this? Will you give me the control and work with me on my terms?"
And i realized i couldn't honestly say yes.
I remember several years ago there being some long back and forth discussions on blogs about ceding control vs. remaining responsible for one's own health and safety, physical and mental. I remember recognizing at the time that i didn't have the experience to really understand the questions first hand. The questions are important, from a lot of angles.
I do have more experience now, i have some context and perspective. I have been able to turn over a great deal of control, and it has been both far more complicated and also simpler than i ever imagined.
But in being open, in being honest with him, I have to say that just approaching the thought of letting go of the control of my mental health causes an immediate surge of fear and rebellion and turning away. There is a very clear image in my head of doors closing, locks locking, and a perimeter being secured.
This makes me sad - we've come a long way, i've come a long way, i've been able to open up, turn over to him, and submit in so many ways. But this response is counter to all of that.
The conventional wisdom seems to go that submissives retain control because they can say no at any time, while slaves have agreed to never say no, they turn over everything at one time. The implication being that they are ABLE to turn over control of every part of themselves. I am not able to.
I've struggled a great deal with that construct - not the terms - I don't care what I'm called - but with the idea that the only possibilities are my retaining all the real power vs. my turning over any and everything. I have in fact agreed to turn over any and everything to him - and in theory, in desire, in intention - i do. I don't want to retain the power, i want to turn it over to him. It is in the reality of actually being able to do so that i wonder how it works, that i think the construct doesn't take into account being human, or at least, my humanity.
I can give him behaviors - do or not do what he wants, but even that, only within the limits of my physical capability. Thoughts and attitudes and feelings - I have worked to alter where he wants me to, but that takes time and my effort, it's not an automatic, "He says - I comply."
Letting him into my head at the level he is asking is light years beyond that for me in difficulty. I want to comply - i want to be able to comply - but i will have to work to be able to turn that piece over.