Of blogging, and of the way my mind works.....
Three of other peoples' posts have come together for me this past week: lil's post on emotional masochism here, mouse's post on surrender here, and Sir J's post on mindset here.
I find all three to be beautiful and profound descriptions of their respective dynamics. They explain the depth and the love that actually exist in this lifestyle. And they speak to the hard work and the integrity of all of the people involved in each of those relationships (blogger and partner). That's the good.
The bad and the ugly are that i sometimes find i read these sorts of posts as indictments of myself rather than celebrations of the writers. I read through a lens of "what am i doing wrong, why am i not able to be that way, act that way, have that mindset of gratitude and of putting him first."
And that is what it comes back to. I can't always, don't always put him first in my thoughts and feelings. And then there is a noisy little corner of my mind that says, "If he wanted that, he should make it happen." Then the real, intelligent part of my mind hushes that corner.
But the reality is, I don't know where he wants my head to be. Maybe it is already where he wants it, or is on the way there. Maybe that is the point - i should be attuned to what he does, wants, says - not to what i think he wants or ought to have.