Saturday, March 30, 2013

the good, the bad, and the ugly

Of blogging, and of the way my mind works.....

Three of other peoples' posts have come together for me this past week: lil's post on emotional masochism here, mouse's post on surrender here, and Sir J's post on mindset here.

I find all three to be beautiful and profound descriptions of their respective dynamics.  They explain the depth and the love that actually exist in this lifestyle.  And they speak to the hard work and the integrity of all of the people involved in each of those relationships (blogger and partner).  That's the good.

The bad and the ugly are that i sometimes find i read these sorts of posts as indictments of myself rather than celebrations of the writers.  I read through a lens of "what am i doing wrong, why am i not able to be that way, act that way, have that mindset of gratitude and of putting him first."

And that is what it comes back to.  I can't always, don't always put him first in my thoughts and feelings. And then there is a noisy little corner of my mind that says, "If he wanted that, he should make it happen."  Then the real, intelligent part of my mind hushes that corner.

But the reality is, I don't know where he wants my head to be.  Maybe it is already where he wants it, or is on the way there.  Maybe that is the point - i should be attuned to what he does, wants, says - not to what i think he wants or ought to have.


  1. What an interesting post. i read those three blog posts too, and i think i can relate to what you're saying.

    Of course i don't actually know you, or your husband, but from what i've read here, your husband doesn't seem to be the type who wants you thinking about him every minute of the day. And of course i might be reading into that, because i'm pretty sure (really sure) my Sir doesn't expect me to be thinking about him all the time, but he expects me to be thinking about what i'm doing and doing that as well as i can.

    i think ~ o, i think you've given me a lot to think about. Thanks!


    1. sofia,
      It's funny - i had started to write a part of this about knowing that i need to direct my attention a lot of places through the day, and that he wouldn't want me not focused on the other things in my life as well. This was more about me not giving him my full effort when it is about him, and about my mindset not being what i know it can. Thank you for understadning.

  2. "If he wanted that, he should make it happen."
    If I had a dollar for every time I had that thought, we would be nicely working our way to debt free.
    Though I think that noisy little voice in the corner seems to quiet down a bit as time goes by. Depending on the day...

    And I totally get the brain transforming something into indictments of myself. It has happened to me more often than I like to admit.

    "Maybe that is the point - i should be attuned to what he does, wants, says - not to what i think he wants or ought to have."
    I think that's brilliant--it's an approach that I have been trying to work on, and I do believe that there really is something to it...

    1. lil,
      When we have less time and less contact, some insecurities can creep into my head - that's part of this. Other times i am content with, "If he wants something, he will ask or show me." Clearly i really, really need to internalize that more though.

      And thank you - I appreciate yor words.

  3. gg,

    You can't compare your life to anyone else's. Your husband is probably totally different than Omega or Sir J are and that's great. If he (your husband) wants something different from you, it seems to mouse he'd let ya know.

    Really, you've come a very long way!


    1. mouse,
      I very much admire Omega and Sir J - from the view i get from here in any case - and lil's Alpha as well. But i am absolutely certain that my husband is the right person for me, he is absolutely who i belong with and belong to. This post comes from my insecurity about what i'm doing - right or wrong - in all of this. As tempting as it would be to be dictated, forced or manipulated into the right behavior and right mindset, i know that, for us, my submission is me actively giving. Sometimes i don't work at it or give what i should as well as i can. Other times i think i'm doing fine. And sometimes i have doubts about what or how i'm doing.

      He wants me to be more confident in it, in us, in myself, so this self-doubt is actually not what he wants. Right now he's away and out of contact, and i've taken a little spin - but writing it out and being forced to acknowledge what it really is - sorta forces me to get over myself.

      Thank you for your encouragement - that helps too.

  4. okay..

    i know I am *wickedly* overtired.

    but I stand (sit) confused...

    are you sayin' u r doin' it wrong?

    isnt't that what other people are s'posed to say to you?

    *scratches head, rereads post*


    I think that's what you're sayin.

    if you are, i think He might fix that.

    If he's not fixing it...then maybe u r doing it right.



    (who wonders if dispensing pearls of wisdom on 4 hours of sleep and a 12 hour work-shift is a good idea --but who will hit "publish" nonetheless and hope this makes you smile as you wonder on your journey)

    1. nilla,
      Well yes - yes that does make me smile. And yes - tired or not - it should be just that simple - if he's happy with me - i should be confident in that. Thank you so much.

  5. Green Girl--Oh yes, thought the same.
    I don't think a D/s dynamic, being a wife--a submissive one at that--is based on the ability to put him first all the time. I don't think having a strong and healthy D/s dynamic, a strong marriage and long time wifehood means always putting his needs first.
    There are many different ways in which I put my husband first---but most of the time its not the ways that I read about other people doing. Its what is required for the two of us. There are also many ways in which he puts me first. But what it comes down to I think, is the fact that we put us first. And whom is putting who first, firstly doesn't matter.

    1. Bleuame,
      I really like the notion of putting "us" first. It covers the reality that both people have to have their needs met, have to be nurtured and growing and engaged, for it to be sustainable. There has to be balance. thank you.