Cars

My 16 year old very boring but very reliable car is soon to be passed on to my (not so boring and perhaps not so reliable) 16 yr old son.  It's showing its age (the car).  It runs but really ought to be used more locally (read - walking distance if it absolutely came to it) rather than all the places I need to go.

So i have to pick out it's replacement....

I am a function over form kinda person - or - really, i believe form should follow function.  I don't care a whit about fancy, shiny, bedazzled, pedigree, or otherwise, when it comes to cars, although there are some i find just silly or ugly - so i guess i care a little.

I do have a list of criteria i would like the car to meet:
    4 doors
    I (at 5'1") have to be able to comfortably reach the steering wheel and pedals, and see over the dash
         - simultaneously
    somewhere over ~ 89 mpg
    a hatchback seems most practical, or a very small station wagon
    able to withstand potential crunching in an accident like a tank
    with preferably all wheel drive
    but really really good mileage
    as reliable and long-lived as my last one
    small and zippy (I drive mostly urban)
    but has to be heavy enough get up several wicked hills in the really sloppy snow we have all winter
    a hybrid (did i mention > 89 mpg),
    but a standard shift - it's just more fun that way
    cheap - as in, i really don't actually want to spend money on it
    with bluetooth, and a nice radio, and leather seats
    and, and, and...........

What do you mean i can't get all that.  I don't understand?  Impossible?  Some of those wishes are the opposite of others?  And one car can't be all those things at once?

I wonder if that ever happens with people?