I'm not - and for that matter, neither is he. I've learned to live with being less than perfect (this is where the sarcasm emoticon goes - someone needs to invent one of those - really).
But I have been disappointing myself - and him - lately.
Some of it is the cycles of life - demands and plans and projects and obligations all picking up at once - and what i thought i had a grip on - i now lie awake at night worried that i don't. I need to keep slogging through when more than ever i really want to take a big mental vacation from life.
I started to write, "But that's real life, and i want to write about how i'm a not so perfect slave..." Except that part is our real life too - it's gone way past trying it on for size, it is here and it is just as real as all the rest.
And as i write this - it becomes obvious that there is a lot to think about here, a lot that i am realizing as i look at how i feel about letting him and myself down. And at the same time, i am painfully aware of the fact that i need to get out the door and attack some of the projects and obligations because they don't go away if i ignore them.
It is my responsibility to ask for the daily caning we are doing this month. Often I don't need to ask, he comes to me to tell me it's time. But some days i need to ask, and yesterday I forgot. And, as he pointed out this morning, i had come to him for other attention yesterday, which he nicely obliged, but i neglected this expectation. On top of all that, I also made myself a lunch and didn't ask him what he would like, and when, for lunch. That's not a rule - just something i do. And i didn't.
I am not a perfect slave, my every thought is not of him first. But yesterday was far from where i want to be, far from where i try to be.
And this is where i need to leave it for now - i'm honestly not sure whether hashing it all out in my mind or just starting over again today and trying to have a different day is going to be better. But the clock in the corner of my computer says i'm going with the latter this time.
If you let him down because you forgot to ask him about lunch, then HE has a problem. If you let him down because you forgot to ask for a beating....then you both need therapy...serious therapy.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteI removed this because I didn't think it was my place. I apologize. :)
DeleteThis comment clearly demonstrates ignorance and a lack of understanding.
DeleteI apologise gg as i know its not my place to respond to this but it irritated me.
- tori, if your going to do, then I will too, lol! (Although I think the one I deleted sounded better....*shrug*)
DeleteAnon - I think you are the one who needs serous therapy. After all it is you that is trolling blogs that you clearly don't agree with, taking time to post negative and disrespectful comments all while hiding behind Anonymous, when there must be thousands of blogs that are more appropriate for someone of your mindset.
gig - i will ask forgiveness, if I need to. Hugs!
anon - I will respond to this over the next few days more thoroughly. I don't believe i could convince you - and that's ok - it makes me very happy and at peace to realize that what you say is just not our truth. You're wrong. His using my masochism to my benefit (the caning) - i can understand someone without that experience not understanding. You'll just have to trust that it is good for both of us and not in any way harmful. As to the lunch - i think that any relationship in which the parties look for ways to help, be nice to, and make life better for the other are much healthier and more loving than those in which the attitude is selfishness.
DeleteSarah and tori,
DeletePlease - no apologies necessary at all. And thank you.
None of us is perfect....i have daily tasks, and even those that have been around for a while sometimes get forgotten....each day is a new day...
ReplyDeletehugs abby
abby,
Deleteabsolutely - i don't typically beat myself up over forgetting - i think i am learning to apologize and turn that energy into changing my future behavior - usually. Sometimes though i know my heart and i know that i need to work a little deeper at things. Thank you.
None of us is perfect - some days are better than others. Tomorrow the sun will rise and it'll be better. You'll be in a better place. Hang in there! :)
ReplyDeleteSarah,
Deletethank you - the day did get progressively better. And we had a chance to talk some as well. I don't typically dwell on mistakes - but this was a little different somehow and was/is worth figuring out i think.
Perfection is a wanderful illusion.
ReplyDeleteWe all (and dare i say it but even Doms lol) make mistakes, i think we tend to beat ourselves up over having these feelings of failure or letting them down more than they ever could.
There is always tomorrow.
x
tori,
Deleteoh - absolutely, perfection is a silly goal - it doesn't happen. He would (and did last night over a mistake he made) freely admit to not being perfect. and that is exactly what happened in this case as well - i was/am more upset with myself than he was by far. Thank you.
I don't think perfection is the goal. Some days we do better than others and well... some days we don't. With the good and the bad days the thing is they all end and that we get to try again. Trying and not perfection is really the goal and you demonstrated with this post you are, so stop beating yourself up (that is his job anyways) (insert joke emoticon here) and move on with your new day.
ReplyDeleteSir J,
DeleteI was flippant above - I can be hard on myself at times, but i am old enough to have learned not to strive for perfection - nor to expect it in others - it's unreasonable and i think gets in the way of real relationship. And - also - not joking - and in partial response to anon above - his beating me up is so much more effective than my doing it, in all kinds of good ways. thank you.
ReplyDeleteTiffany posted this - but for some reason it came through to my email - but didn't stick here.
"Hope your day gets better"
Tiffany - thank you - it has.
Delete