I'm not - and for that matter, neither is he. I've learned to live with being less than perfect (this is where the sarcasm emoticon goes - someone needs to invent one of those - really).
But I have been disappointing myself - and him - lately.
Some of it is the cycles of life - demands and plans and projects and obligations all picking up at once - and what i thought i had a grip on - i now lie awake at night worried that i don't. I need to keep slogging through when more than ever i really want to take a big mental vacation from life.
I started to write, "But that's real life, and i want to write about how i'm a not so perfect slave..." Except that part is our real life too - it's gone way past trying it on for size, it is here and it is just as real as all the rest.
And as i write this - it becomes obvious that there is a lot to think about here, a lot that i am realizing as i look at how i feel about letting him and myself down. And at the same time, i am painfully aware of the fact that i need to get out the door and attack some of the projects and obligations because they don't go away if i ignore them.
It is my responsibility to ask for the daily caning we are doing this month. Often I don't need to ask, he comes to me to tell me it's time. But some days i need to ask, and yesterday I forgot. And, as he pointed out this morning, i had come to him for other attention yesterday, which he nicely obliged, but i neglected this expectation. On top of all that, I also made myself a lunch and didn't ask him what he would like, and when, for lunch. That's not a rule - just something i do. And i didn't.
I am not a perfect slave, my every thought is not of him first. But yesterday was far from where i want to be, far from where i try to be.
And this is where i need to leave it for now - i'm honestly not sure whether hashing it all out in my mind or just starting over again today and trying to have a different day is going to be better. But the clock in the corner of my computer says i'm going with the latter this time.