Sunday, June 30, 2013


When my son found this blog a few months ago I had to explain to him, in a way that would hopefully discourage him from continuing to look for it, what exactly i was blogging about.  So i told him that his dad and i follow some blogs and contribute sometimes to a blog about marriages and relationships and the work it takes to keep them on solid ground, blah blah blah.... I tried to make it sound dreadfully boring to a 16 year old boy.  I think i probably succeeded.

My description would have turned me off - i wouldn't have bothered to follow up.

But - it is the truth  - above all else this blog is about our marriage, our relationship, our dynamic and the work it takes to keep us on solid ground.  Beyond solid ground actually - but one has to start with the solid footing before the rest can be built.

My last post promised lots of deeper thoughts about my disappointing him, about making mistakes and failing.  Then an anonymous comment went off in a different direction: didn't i need to get a grip? didn't i really just need therapy to work through my obviously abusive relationship?  Then Sir J  wrote about suffering....  Now - I actually believe that life is pain and life is suffering (to quote both Princess Bride and Siddhartha), and I believe that we suffer in many ways precisely because we care, because we love.

But it dawned on me that i don't really need any deeper thoughts.   As hokey as it sounds in my profile - and it does - i keep wanting to change it - but it is just the flat out truth, "D/s was a new idea to explore. It has been woven throughout our lives together now. This has made our marriage stronger and our life more joyful."

The sum total of the entirety of our interactions is just that - a strong and very joy filled marriage.  We use unconventional relationship tools to say the least.  And it is work and it ought to be.

And i fail, and the worst kind of failing is not the failure - it's when i know i actually could have tried harder or differently and i didn't.  But the only recourse is to get up and try again.

And he fails too - and sometimes that makes me angry, sometimes it worries me or frightens me, sometimes it makes me feel very protective of him.  Perhaps there is some level of slavehood i haven't reached yet, a level of trust wherein i don't see his human weaknesses any longer.  Somehow i don't think i'm gonna get there.

But what this slave does see is how incredibly hard he works to care for her, to  protect her, to meet her needs, to raise her up, to love her...

So this slave wants to try harder to care for him, to meet his needs, to protect him, to raise him up, to love him....

And after you put in all the parts, and shake them all about, and do the whole Hokey Pokey... That's what it's all about!


  1. I genuinely love reading your posts. They strike a chord with my own relationship and the internal workings of my mind ava x

  2. Personally, I don't think there is a level of slavehood/ trust where we don't see their human weaknesses any longer. And if there is, I wonder that it would perhaps be unhealthy?
    My reasoning is that, if we didn't have those perceptions, I don't think that we would be able to help and support them when they need it. If I'm making any sense...

    1. lil - it makes perfect sense. It is all more complex and deeper than the fantasy picture.

  3. GG--I'm with Lil--I think not seeing the weaknesses or the failures of our partner is kind of a murky unhealthy territory to be in.
    Because I think, even when they disappoint us, even when they fail and even when they make mistakes--it takes a certain strength to see past that-as they do for us--and continue on. I think that is part of the strength of submission--still submitting and handing off the reins of power, even when they aren't at their best.

    1. My answer was a bit light - but yes - i agree - i don't think it's good to see Master as infallible - we are real, both of us and it is important for us to see that in each other.

  4. I hope your deterrent works for your son. I think any time you throw out words like "marriage, and relationships" you are pretty safe. As my blog has the serenity theme I have added words like "meditation and peace" for an added punch. There is no way it sounds slightly interesting, at least I hope. :)

    "Perhaps there is some level of slavehood i haven't reached yet, a level of trust wherein i don't see his human weaknesses any longer. Somehow i don't think i'm gonna get there."

    I was just thinking when I read this that really the main time I have seen this is with a few very older ladies and their husbands. Of course they would have to know well their Husbands and their weaknesses. But it's like they have developed an unshakable faith, or perhaps they've reached a stage where the human failings just really don't matter. I've only glimpsed this a hand full of times. So maybe you, and I, will get there. We just need to practice it another 40 years or so. :)

    1. Serenity,
      I think that is a lovely way to put it: of course we know each other and our weaknesses, but with full acceptance, full faith. I think that is rare indeed, but hte glimpses i see on ourselves are wonderful.

  5. As a confirmed overthinker, I have to agree. Sometimes we don't need to go deeper... part of the release I get in submission is the fact that I can stop thinking and be free.

    (I know I am late to this post - and I missed all your other drama it seems - but hope you are well.)

    1. Kitty,
      Absolutely - to be able to turn off the noise is a real gift. I am treading water, and we are fine, life happens to all of us. Thank you.

  6. failure has such a negative connotation to it...yet it is truly the pathway towards learning, towards becoming...more. If no one fails, then nothing new is ever discovered. That can be in the world in general (like how tires and bubble gum came to be...) and in our personal lives. If we didn't fail sometimes we wouldn't have a benchmark for how far we'd come...because we'd never have the motivation to push ourselves.

    As long as I draw breath I will continue to mess up, to make mistakes--and use them as opportunities to learn and grow. It sounds like you've discovered this one key thing too! Living is pain, pain is living, and learning to accept that and move through it is what living is about.

    And love.

    Love is the goal of our lives.... It makes the pain bearable, it makes the hurting less, and the joy greater.

    Happy wishes as you two continue on your journey together.


    1. nilla,
      I agree completely, it is nuts to think of never failing, how would we ever learn anything - just look at babies learning to move or to walk, the misses and falls don't upset them, it's all just what is supposed to be. Thank you for your kind wishes.