When my son found this blog a few months ago I had to explain to him, in a way that would hopefully discourage him from continuing to look for it, what exactly i was blogging about. So i told him that his dad and i follow some blogs and contribute sometimes to a blog about marriages and relationships and the work it takes to keep them on solid ground, blah blah blah.... I tried to make it sound dreadfully boring to a 16 year old boy. I think i probably succeeded.
My description would have turned me off - i wouldn't have bothered to follow up.
But - it is the truth - above all else this blog is about our marriage, our relationship, our dynamic and the work it takes to keep us on solid ground. Beyond solid ground actually - but one has to start with the solid footing before the rest can be built.
My last post promised lots of deeper thoughts about my disappointing him, about making mistakes and failing. Then an anonymous comment went off in a different direction: didn't i need to get a grip? didn't i really just need therapy to work through my obviously abusive relationship? Then Sir J wrote about suffering.... Now - I actually believe that life is pain and life is suffering (to quote both Princess Bride and Siddhartha), and I believe that we suffer in many ways precisely because we care, because we love.
But it dawned on me that i don't really need any deeper thoughts. As hokey as it sounds in my profile - and it does - i keep wanting to change it - but it is just the flat out truth, "D/s was a new idea to explore. It has been woven throughout our lives together now. This has made our marriage stronger and our life more joyful."
The sum total of the entirety of our interactions is just that - a strong and very joy filled marriage. We use unconventional relationship tools to say the least. And it is work and it ought to be.
And i fail, and the worst kind of failing is not the failure - it's when i know i actually could have tried harder or differently and i didn't. But the only recourse is to get up and try again.
And he fails too - and sometimes that makes me angry, sometimes it worries me or frightens me, sometimes it makes me feel very protective of him. Perhaps there is some level of slavehood i haven't reached yet, a level of trust wherein i don't see his human weaknesses any longer. Somehow i don't think i'm gonna get there.
But what this slave does see is how incredibly hard he works to care for her, to protect her, to meet her needs, to raise her up, to love her...
So this slave wants to try harder to care for him, to meet his needs, to protect him, to raise him up, to love him....
And after you put in all the parts, and shake them all about, and do the whole Hokey Pokey... That's what it's all about!