Friday, June 7, 2013

thinking here so i can stop over-thinking in the wrong time/ wrong place....

This morning, he pulled off my shorts and sat my naked ass on the kitchen counter, pulled up my shirt, and spread my legs.  He rummaged through the drawers and came back with skewers, rubber bands, and a knife. With my nipples clamped between the skewers, he traced the paring knife over my breasts, my belly, my thighs, my lips, my clit.

He told me he was making me uncomfortable, in lots of ways- and it surprised me in that moment how much he was right, how well he knew exactly where to push me:  i was exposed, in front of an open window, being intimate, not just intimate, but being kinky, being an object of kink; sitting bare-assed in the kitchen, on a counter, yuk (and cold); being taken and used suddenly, out of the blue, wrong time, wrong place; being made to watch the knife tip and the blade trace lines across my skin, nerve wracking, and across my belly which i loath and never want him to touch; yes - his tounge in my ear, not to make me giggle and squirm, but to torment; the physically uncomfortable, overwhelming, painful sensations from my nipples and my skin; and working to remain open to him throughout any and all of it.

He doesn't need big plans or grand gestures or cliches from kinky porn get in my head - he knows exactly where my mental buttons are. Lucky him that some of my buttons are so easy.  And i start thinking that i should toughen up, not be so easy, not be such a mental weenie. What's wrong with me?  Maybe i'm not enough for him.  Then i hear "good girl, i know this is hard, but i like to play with you."   Which makes me think maybe it's ok to be how i am, maybe he's happy.

He sends me to the bedroom and his demeanor changes.  Suddenly very rough, abrupt, he reminds me of my words, then lays in.  I'm not caught up, can't catch up.  I beg, and move away, and sob, and soon enough my mind goes the wrong direction.  I ask him what i've done wrong.  He stops just long enough to look me in the eyes and tell me i've done nothing wrong, he's doing this because it's what he wants to do.  Then he's back at it.

Later, afterwards, he reminds me that he wants me - in those moments - to not think, to not wonder what he wants from me, or try to reason things out, he wants me to just follow and accept, to trust that he will tell me or show me whatever i need to know.

I don't know why my mind goes where it goes in those cases, but he doesn't want it to.  I'm hoping that writing it out here will purge it and let me move on next time.

12 comments:

  1. a very tough challenge indeed

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    1. It would be easy for me to be flip or non-committal here - but it is. He is patient - we've talked about it - he doesn't understand why it is, or even how it feels to me, but he is patient with the fact that it is, and that i am trying to modulate it.

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  2. IT is tough..I think our minds are the last ones to catch on to this submission thing...my body, or at least parts of my body ear ready, willing and able..my mind..too busing thinking...I hear you
    hugs abby

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    1. abby,
      absolutely. I would even trade some of my body's responsiveness - which he thoroughly appreciates btw - for a little more getting-on-board from my mind. thanks.

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  3. I thought this was very hot!

    Im becoming more and more convinced that overthinking and over analysing is a submissive trait, its something i do a lot which i know at times frustrates my Master, and i try not to, sometimes i succeed.

    I like explanations, an understanding of what drives us to do these things we do, yeah i know it should be as simple as...just liking it...but i feel i need more of an explanation so i can understand why i am like i am!

    x

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    1. tori,
      thanks. i was too busy trying to catch up to feel the full impact until later, mentally anyhow. and i think you are right - i can't decide if the need to understand is a trust thing, or just the way it is. but it certainly is.

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  4. It seems like submission is a practice--kind of like meditation.
    And, just like meditation, turning off the brain can be one of the biggest challenges we deal with.

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    1. absolutely - it is both the challenge - and sometimes the reward. thank you

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  5. Would it be wrong for me to say that reading this turned me on? And that made me uncomfortable? Which is probably some of what it did to you?

    That was pretty intense... and when you figure out how to turn off your brain, could you share the secret with me?

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    1. kitty,
      It did turn me on, and had me on that edge of fear, and discomfort - physical and mental. It is a powerful combination. And i'm thinking that the mental quiet for me is going to be a skill that takes tons of practice, and only happens when the stars align anyhow. But i will let you know if i'm wrong about that. Thank you

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