Sunday, June 2, 2013


I've been given to understand that if i want something, I should ask for it, nicely, but i should ask.

It has been suggested, for example, that if i want or feel i need a caning, i should bring the cane to him, kneel, present the cane, and ask sweetly for him to use it.

It took me a few years to get over the feeling that if i asked for things, somehow that was the same as manipulating him into giving them to me - i'm a little slow when it comes to simple, obvious kinds of things.  But i finally got it.

I am better than i used to be, but still working on "nicely" - i too easily fall into hinting, complaining, even snarking - simple and direct is very hard for me.  I think that what is really missing though is "with humility."

I'm not really an arrogant person. (Can't you just feel the humble right there?)

I am someone who has a lot of trouble asking for and accepting help - in any context, but certainly throughout our marriage.  It is humbling to say "I need this thing from you, I'm unable to provide it for myself and i am asking you for it."  It can be humiliating - but that's a different flavor saved for a different situation.  

I'm required to ask permission to get into bed with him.  I still - after several years - find it difficult to do this gracefully.  I have assumed it's because it's a bit contrived: asking permission for something that i can do perfectly well on my own.  I'm beginning to see that the point has more to do with me finding that humility, or not finding it in this case.

Last night i was able to bring myself to ask for a spanking - no silliness or whining, just simple asking.  The thing about asking - especially when it was hard to do, and you've done it nicely - is that they can still say no.
(He is right, that's a loud activity, I'm pretty loud about it, and the not-so-little people who live with us are awake later than we are these days)

Without bargaining or complaining, i then asked if we could re-instate the caning each day for a month.

It was difficult at the time (the end of the month especially), but it was very good for me, very good for us, and i think it would be good for me again.

To this he said yes.  And i am grateful.


  1. Yes! And what do you do when they don't feel comfortable asking either? (So dominant, isn't it?)

    Good for you for asking. I got spanked when I asked, but I asked via my blog, so it was kind of a long and convoluted ask - with good results, mind you - but it still took a week to write, get him to read and then fully realize.

    1. kitty,
      i've never been able to bring myself to ask via this blog - he reads - and i use it to explain other things to him - but for some reason i haven't managed that. I'm glad it did work in your case - i liked that post - it described a lot of things quite well.


  2. Wow, when you ask you go big...caning every day for a month....glad he said yes.
    hugs abby

    1. abby,
      It was something he did in the beginning of this year - the number of hits to match the date - with catching up after he is out of town. The early part of the month was good - it got harder as it went - but overall - was really good for both of us.

  3. Sometimes I don't think that asking will every become easier. Once in a blue moon I find I can do it comfortably, but mostly it is so awkward.

    1. oh it is for me too - and unfortunately awkward often turns into snarky. I'm trying - but have a long way to go.