Monday, January 13, 2014

slowly

I didn't even realize how much I've missed him.  Our entire lives together, he's traveled - it's just reality for us.  And we have kids - so being externally focused even when we are together is also just reality for us - like pretty much anyone else with similar demographics.

I feel decadent, privileged, spoiled to have him here and to share his time and space.  He will still travel, this week even, and the kids are still here, but the stars aligned, and we've had room to breathe sprinkled pretty liberally throughout the past few days.

It started with tears - I had truly fallen and couldn't find my way back up.  He listened and answered my doubts.  I know enough to be able to tell him what is wrong with me, what i feel, what i want and what i fear.  I also, finally, mercifully, know to be able to leave it at that - information but not demands or requests or expectations beyond knowing that he is listening and will act as he chooses.

Slowly he has drawn me back, very incrementally and subtly re-defining and then drawing-in the circle of freedom in which i roam.  And i have the oddest response to this: i push back, smart mouthing about rules being optional, i giggle and laugh nervously instead of managing the appropriate Yes Sir, i find the cane just plain hurts and makes me angry instead of working the magic it used to.....

But i also again feel the desire to please and to submit, and it is slowly catching up to and overtaking the impulse to snark at him.  I feel genuinely privileged to be his, to have him want me as his.  Slowly, i'm finding that the cane that just plain hurts also leaves me suspiciously wet and overly aware of my bits.  He swapped all the catching up on missed days with the cane for a long, lovely time with the crop and a floaty orgasm.  I know i am spoiled.  And the contentment and quiet joy at just being with him that has been so conspicuously absent. That feeling - that's the decadent part.  






12 comments:

  1. I am glad that you had this week. Coming back is good.

    And that damn nervous giggle/laugh...What's with that?? It comes upon me during the most inopportune times, and it feels impossible to control! From my end anyways...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks. We definitely needed this. And i don't get it with the giggle either - i was never 'that' girl - i didn't giggle or squeal or play coy... it's his fault - i'm sure of it.

      Delete
  2. Another question with no answer...why is it the more we want it, need it...the more we resist. Welcome back.....to where you belong...and being His....and knowing that is also what He wants...it is the best.
    hugs abby

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. abby - I was watching myself this time - i knew i wanted it, felt the want, yet my mouth took over and responded the opposite - and then i had confusion and frustration to go with it - i don't get it either. And thanks - it is good to be back.

      Delete
  3. Your words are luxurious greengirl ... "Slowly he has drawn me back, very incrementally and subtly re-defining and then drawing-in the circle of freedom in which i roam" ... they capture so much ava x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ava,
      Thank you. The subtle feels at the time painfully slow and inadequate - yet it gets me back where i belong, with the added lesson of patience and trust in him. Hmm....

      Delete
  4. Beautiful post. Relationship like the one you have is rare. I am sure that you know how to appreciate this.
    Thank you for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. David,
      Thank you. I very much appreciate it, appreciate him.

      Delete
  5. a lovely post. It's not always easy to find the steps, to walk the walk when it's 24/7...it is all about balance, and juggling and getting caught up in the day-to-day...and letting go and falling into your role (or so I imagine). Thanks for sharing...your honesty brings such a perspective to those of us who won't ever walk the path you have chosen...

    nilla


    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. nilla,
      Thank you. It does all seem to have its cycles - like everything else in life. I'm a little (or a lot, depending) greedy...I want it all, all the time. I know in my head that isn't possible or wise. Like you say - balance.

      Delete