My husband doesn't love having relationship discussions. He much prefers concrete discussions about specific issues and what to do about them, rather than more general 'state of the union' type talks. So he hasn't been keen to want to spend mental energy on the idea of what we are or are not these days, and he has been even less interested in choosing a label. This blog being evidence that I feel differently about relationship discussions in general, I do agree philosophically that being able to fit a category or label is not important in and of itself. However, that always left a "but" hanging there in my mind. I don't care about labels, or appearances, or meeting arbitrary standards, but it felt like there was something important being thrown out with all that. I just couldn't put my finger on it. I finally got it though, and I can't believe I missed it before. I want (maybe need) to know what he wants of me, what he expects, how he wants things to go, how he wants me to view him, and us.
So I tried him asking that question. How do you want me to view my relationship to you, our relationship to each other? How do you feel towards me, in this context?
For that he had a quick answer, "I really, really want you to come to depend on me." He meant in a larger and deeper sense, but that is how he wants me to think of it. He isn't happy with the word submission for our relationship. He feels that submission is a physical thing, and he's quite happy to have it there. But for the rest, on all levels, he wants me to not just feel like I can depend on him, but to actually do it.
I need to consider what this means to me. It has a lot of implications. Some of the implications are easy, and clear, and already what and how we are. Other areas I will need to think about more.
Depending on him... him depending on you.. hmmmmmm.. I think I like that.
ReplyDeletegg,
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure how to put this...My thoughts are kinda disjointed today. When he said he wants to depend on him...I think what he might have meant is that he doesn't want you dependent to him but to rather depend on him. To count on him, like the sun rising the east...or whatever.
If you can count on him, it doesn't mean that you're becoming dependent on him. It just means that he's there for you. You can dress it up and call it whatever word you want...submission, DD, or just counting or depending on someone else...they all boil down to kinda the same thing. None are exclusive to mental or physical.
I dunno if I'm expressing this right...it's possible I'm not...
I've said before trusting Omega was easy. Trusting myself not so much.
Hugs,
mouse
Men typically have a hard time discussing relationships. In conversations, we are very goal oriented, whereas women often simply need to speak through things. If you really want to know what you need, you will have to work hard to get him to listen and spend some time on this issue. Perhaps, if it is not out of line for you (I don't know where your lines are drawn even less than you don't know!), you could simply talk to him about talking to him, and point out the different styles of communication, that men typically have a goal oriented style of discussing things, and that you don't necessarily want an immediate answer.
ReplyDeleteSomewhere in the back of your head something is bugging you and in order to figure out you probably just need to have a good talk with a good listener who doesn't want to direct you, but in the end will result in you figuring it out for yourself.
Does that make sense?
Dependency can still mean a lot of things to different people. My wife is entirely financially independent, but she will always follow my lead in bed, for example.
"Other areas I will need to think about more."
ReplyDeleteWhy?
GG,
ReplyDeleteI so *get* the trying to label your relationship part of this post. I feel like we are using someone else's recipe and taking away ingredients and adding things we like.
I understand your husband's need as well. In a book I am reading it says that "Something in a man longs for his wife to look up to him as he fulfills this role." Respect, trust, obedience, depending on him it's really all part of submission, isn't it? Perhaps in your recipe you start with just a few ingredients? Add one thing at a time. You can label it when your done.
Just my thoughts.
I've been mulling this over but I really think mouse said it best. So, "what she said!"
ReplyDeletep.s.- word verification = entruse
Doll - me too - i think. Now we just have the details to iron out.
ReplyDeletemouse - I think i follow - I'm used to following my own disjointedness. You are exactly right about meaning counting on him - not being dependent. I am getting a little tired of myself tripping up over the same stuff all the time. No way to get to the other side though.
Dom Tom - you are right about the communication differences - and the something bugging me in the back of my head - more than one something I'm sure. I know he isn't looking for dependency, so I just need to work out what all would be depending.
Sir J - pourquoi pas?
Elysia,
You know - he did have a really pleased kind of look when he talked about it. I can see how that would be true.
Jz,
Tha makes me smile - thanks.
I can understand the importance of a label, especially in the early stages of having this kind of relationship. It helps you to know where you fit in and who you can relate to. It's funny though, because I'm reaching the point where I despise labels all together. All they do is seem to create divisions and confusion.
ReplyDeleteI've reached a point with Asha that I really don't care what I call myself anymore... I can call it being a doo doo head. It doesn't change who and what I am to him... I know in my heart where my place is with him and I'm content with that. Call it what you will.
Maybe it isn't so much that you need a "label", but that you just need to define your dynamic within your own relationship?
*hugs*
turiya
Turiya,
ReplyDeleteThat's it exactly - i need to know how he sees things, what he wants, overall, not just day to day details.
Yeah, that's pretty much what I've been trying to find out with Asha recently, but he's so laid back. He's more of a day to day kind of person and doesn't like to give definite answers to anything. What's true for today might not be true for tomorrow. The only definite thing he could give me as far as what he expects of me is to do as I'm told and share what's on my mind so he can use that information to make the decisions he's got to make. I suppose that's simple enough.
ReplyDeleteSounds like your hubby wants much of the same in that he wants you to confide in him more and let him do more for you... and as far as I'm concerned that's the essence of submission, especially for us women who feel like we have to be supermom/wife and do everything ourselves.
*hugs*
turiya