My husband doesn't love having relationship discussions. He much prefers concrete discussions about specific issues and what to do about them, rather than more general 'state of the union' type talks. So he hasn't been keen to want to spend mental energy on the idea of what we are or are not these days, and he has been even less interested in choosing a label. This blog being evidence that I feel differently about relationship discussions in general, I do agree philosophically that being able to fit a category or label is not important in and of itself. However, that always left a "but" hanging there in my mind. I don't care about labels, or appearances, or meeting arbitrary standards, but it felt like there was something important being thrown out with all that. I just couldn't put my finger on it. I finally got it though, and I can't believe I missed it before. I want (maybe need) to know what he wants of me, what he expects, how he wants things to go, how he wants me to view him, and us.
So I tried him asking that question. How do you want me to view my relationship to you, our relationship to each other? How do you feel towards me, in this context?
For that he had a quick answer, "I really, really want you to come to depend on me." He meant in a larger and deeper sense, but that is how he wants me to think of it. He isn't happy with the word submission for our relationship. He feels that submission is a physical thing, and he's quite happy to have it there. But for the rest, on all levels, he wants me to not just feel like I can depend on him, but to actually do it.
I need to consider what this means to me. It has a lot of implications. Some of the implications are easy, and clear, and already what and how we are. Other areas I will need to think about more.