subspace

Mouse's post about subspace got me in a little bit of a funk - It's not Mouse's fault at all (really, really Mouse) - it's my own mental twists and turns. It's also a lack of understanding and my generally silly thinking.

I have no idea if I am submissive or not. I think this is a larger question than me, certainly at this point. In looking for information about submission though, subspace is mentioned far and wide - from blogs to "how to guides". It would seem, or at least it did to me, that it is part and parcel of being submissive, so much so, that it seems almost a litmus test for "are you or are you not?" And since I had not experienced it, I reasoned, maybe I "am not." Eventually I decided that I needed to set aside this particular line of reasoning as being un-useful. It went along with learning to be concerned only with us and our way of being.

But the notion of subspace hanging out there has impacted me in other ways also. On good days - I simply wondered what it would be like, sort of "gee, wouldn't that be swell." Other days though, frankly, the fact that it hadn't happened to me made me feel defective, not adequate, like I must be either doing it wrong, or barking up the wrong tree entirely.

It does seem that the whole phenomenon is at least in part related to endorphins or other neurotransmitters. This of course can occur in anyone. My husband runs marathons, his high that kicks in at mile 20 obviously has nothing to do with submission. I experienced the huge rush of endorphins (and whatever other hormones joined the party) during childbirth. I was certainly in pain, but became suddenly flushed, hot, energized, and also detached from the pain at a certain point. In fact, I've had the same flush of endorphins from playing, so I think it must not be the whole story of subspace.

I love when my husband and I can play, or, more accurately I suppose, have him play with me. (I know *play* isn't a great term, I haven't come up with a better one). Maybe someday I will try to put into words what it makes me feel, and what it does do for me, to me. I think he might like that actually. But it has been a lot of learning. Learning logistics of course. But also, starting from absolute scratch, learning what effect every thing has on each of us, on me to have it done to me, and on him to do it, how far to push, what lies beyond that, what to hold onto and pay attention to, and what to let go of. One of the biggest or most challenging things for me to learn how to let go of was thinking, especially thinking about how I *should* be responding instead of just responding. I do think the elusive "subspace" hanging out there was part of the idea of how I felt like I should be responding. It was something I had to let go of.

As I put in my comment on Mouse's post, I have a hard time making my mind do what I want it to. But I have been able to put aside thinking about what and how I should be doing or feeling and try to focus on following what he wants me to do.

And thank you Omega and Mouse for your comments and concern.