Thursday, April 1, 2010

subspace

Mouse's post about subspace got me in a little bit of a funk - It's not Mouse's fault at all (really, really Mouse) - it's my own mental twists and turns. It's also a lack of understanding and my generally silly thinking.

I have no idea if I am submissive or not. I think this is a larger question than me, certainly at this point. In looking for information about submission though, subspace is mentioned far and wide - from blogs to "how to guides". It would seem, or at least it did to me, that it is part and parcel of being submissive, so much so, that it seems almost a litmus test for "are you or are you not?" And since I had not experienced it, I reasoned, maybe I "am not." Eventually I decided that I needed to set aside this particular line of reasoning as being un-useful. It went along with learning to be concerned only with us and our way of being.

But the notion of subspace hanging out there has impacted me in other ways also. On good days - I simply wondered what it would be like, sort of "gee, wouldn't that be swell." Other days though, frankly, the fact that it hadn't happened to me made me feel defective, not adequate, like I must be either doing it wrong, or barking up the wrong tree entirely.

It does seem that the whole phenomenon is at least in part related to endorphins or other neurotransmitters. This of course can occur in anyone. My husband runs marathons, his high that kicks in at mile 20 obviously has nothing to do with submission. I experienced the huge rush of endorphins (and whatever other hormones joined the party) during childbirth. I was certainly in pain, but became suddenly flushed, hot, energized, and also detached from the pain at a certain point. In fact, I've had the same flush of endorphins from playing, so I think it must not be the whole story of subspace.

I love when my husband and I can play, or, more accurately I suppose, have him play with me. (I know *play* isn't a great term, I haven't come up with a better one). Maybe someday I will try to put into words what it makes me feel, and what it does do for me, to me. I think he might like that actually. But it has been a lot of learning. Learning logistics of course. But also, starting from absolute scratch, learning what effect every thing has on each of us, on me to have it done to me, and on him to do it, how far to push, what lies beyond that, what to hold onto and pay attention to, and what to let go of. One of the biggest or most challenging things for me to learn how to let go of was thinking, especially thinking about how I *should* be responding instead of just responding. I do think the elusive "subspace" hanging out there was part of the idea of how I felt like I should be responding. It was something I had to let go of.

As I put in my comment on Mouse's post, I have a hard time making my mind do what I want it to. But I have been able to put aside thinking about what and how I should be doing or feeling and try to focus on following what he wants me to do.

And thank you Omega and Mouse for your comments and concern.

12 comments:

  1. You nailed it in your last sentence when you said you're trying to focus on doing what he wants you to do.

    Now that's being a submissive.

    Try not to worry about not being in subspace or not meeting any other criteria for being a submissive or whether you are one. There is no criteria because pepole are so different. There is no one formula to follow for being a submissve. Each couple has to determine what is comfortable for them.

    So keep focus on doing what he wants you to do and the two of you should meet each other's needs and find happiness.

    Good luck.

    FD

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  2. Subspace in particular is unique to every individual, and some submissives i know have never experienced it. They, too, seem to take that to heart, and i am sure i would too if i heard folks talk about how great this aspect of submission is and how easy they go there, etc, and can never experience it myself.

    But, frankly, submission is not about subspace in any way, form, or fashion. Being "a submissive" is nothing more than giving a mutually-agreed-upon level of control to another person, including control of actions, words, thoughts, etc.

    There is no "right" or "wrong" way to be "a submissive". There are no guidebooks, no instruction manuals, no road maps. We're usually led into the level and ways of submission by our Dominants, but in your case he is as new at controlling as you are in submission, so i am *quite* sure it feels as if you're flying without a 'chute now and then.

    If i could take my subspace experiences and give them to you, i would. For me it isn't always a pleasant place to be, it is quite disconcerting to lose time and space and any kind of reality...it's just...surreal and i don't do surreal very well.

    Subspace happens, for ME personally, during a scene and when the play is so intense, whether emotionally or physically, that it demands either a strong degree of focus to "accept" all he wishes or needs to give, or it is quite long and demands a long period of focus even if not as intent as with more intense types of play.

    And, for me, subspace can create subdrop, a place i would give *almost* anything not to go.

    i do hope that you can reach a place of peace, about this and all the "wonderings".

    *hugs*

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  3. I agree with FD especially his last line. Sub space is a misnomer in that it is not a space that belongs only to or to all submissives.

    It is mental space entered into by people in pain, the games often played in BDSM is a way of achieving this state and it is a form of being high.

    Many submissives are very much subs without every experiencing it because they do not play with pain.

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  4. I've got nothing to add...

    Hugs,
    mouse

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  5. I really do understand about reading the words of others and feeling that I must surely be lacking because that's not how it works for me. I've occasionally been known to feel like the poseur in the corner when I read some of the exciting things others have done that are still MONTHS in my future, minimum.

    That said, however, I've also been remarkably fortunate in that, for all the things I do worry about and over-think, sex has never been one of them. (Thank You, SP!!)
    I'm right there with you - I've never found subspace myself (altho' I have seen God a couple of times but that was your basic "hot sex" reaction, not the glazed-over subspace of lore) and it really doesn't bother me. I know I'm incredibly turned on by having BG dominate me, he's incredibly turned on by my submitting to him, what more do I need? We react how we react. Your way is not mine. Oh well. We must be individuals!

    You have said that you weren't much interested in sex until you let him take charge. Now you're dang near insatiable. Sounds to me like a deep seated, positive reaction to having him be in control - more than enough proof that you're submissive.

    Just let it roll.

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  6. I don't have any new brilliant insight except to say that Mr C and I AVOID subspace.

    He wants me present

    I want me present

    in the moment

    (ok -- I have to say -- that when I re-read the above I now hear it in pirate-voice -- arrrrgh)

    I don't think it makes you less of a sub -- but more importantly -- what do the labels mean for us anyway.

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  7. I don't have any new brilliant insight except to say that Mr C and I AVOID subspace.

    He wants me present

    I want me present

    in the moment

    (ok -- I have to say -- that when I re-read the above I now hear it in pirate-voice -- arrrrgh)

    I don't think it makes you less of a sub -- but more importantly -- what do the labels mean for us anyway.

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  8. I think subspace is dependent on many things... not just endorphins. I think it greatly depends on your state of mind at the time too. And it's I agree that the term subspace is really a bit deceiving because it's not something only submissives experience. I also think there are many levels/layers to subspace and that different people can have different experiences with it.

    I don't think of it as something to aspire to. I was very anxious to experience for the sake of experiencing it, but I don't think experiencing subspace makes you any more or less submissive.

    Honestly.... if you want to experience it and you're having trouble getting there, I'd recommend taking some meditation or yoga classes. Subspace is a sort of meditation in itself, so I really think it can help. Hmmm... I think I've got an idea for a post.

    *hugs*

    spirited

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  9. FD, Schiava, Sir J, Mouse, Jz, SFP,
    and Spirited,
    Thank you all. I think I did a poor job of expressing the past tense-edness of this. I did run into this initially. I'm still intrigued, curious. But there are very different things going on when we are able to play these days.

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  10. funny you wrote this.... I just wrote about this subject in my blog pop in and read it when you have a chace.

    http://mydominanthusband.blogspot.com/2010/04/discussion-on-subspace-from-my-point-of.html#comments

    smiles happy Easter

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  11. Glad you did and hope you visit .... have a wonderful day.

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