Thursday, April 8, 2010

This I Believe

I've borrowed the title because it is appropriate, and it was actually a fascinating way to see other people, through what they say they believe. There are things a person can know, they are true or not and don't involve an element of uncertainty. To say you believe something, on the other hand, requires that you have a certain amount of faith, or at least that you have gone through a process to be convinced. You know things, generally, that have been or can be somehow proven or shown to you. You believe things, often, in spite of there being no possibility of the thing being proven or provable. Believing is stronger than thinking, or hoping; it means you have left the doubt and uncertainty about the thing behind.

It has been a year since we started this particular journey. I still couldn't tell someone what the compulsion was to change things so much in our marriage, but I asked, he agreed, and we have. I have had a lot of insecurities about things having to do with those changes over that time. One of the most fundamental difficulties for me has been wondering to what extent he is in this because he really wants to be, rather than to humor me or because he is afraid he would lose me otherwise.

It goes beyond irony to come to someone and say, in essence, I want you to be in charge, and here is how I would like you to do it. It twists the mind around - If he had come to me to say that he wanted to take control, and wanted me to submit to him, I'm pretty sure I would have told him to take a flying leap. So how would I expect him to react to my out-of-the-blue proposal. In my mind, the most likely response would be, "I'll play along until it blows over or she moves on to some other cute little idea."

I also worried that he felt trapped into complying - again, out of line with of the intention of his being in charge. Around the time I came to him with these ideas, friends of ours were in the middle of a hateful and cruel divorce. She had hit mid-life, lost some weight, dolled up, and decided her husband was no longer good enough. He either couldn't or didn't change to meet her new wishes, so she left. It was very, very ugly. I wondered and worried that my husband entertained my request out of fear of me doing the same.

A lot has happened in a year, and we have both learned and developed. I know we will keep moving, changing, learning and growing. I have come to believe a lot of things I had doubted, and I think the most significant one is that I believe he truly wants this too.


  1. i love this and totally agree with the sentiments. i'm not sure i've quite reached that belief yet but seem to be getting closer everyday. You give me hope.

  2. gg,

    Very well said!


  3. Yaye!!
    That's one big hurdle behind you.

  4. This is very refreshing for me to read. I am in the opposite position--trying to convince my wife to be the submissive one. We have talked about it and she resists, yet in her actions she almost always allows me to call whatever shots I decide to call. But she has that same resistance you feared yourself having if your husband had asked you to be the bottom. It's been a fun journey though, and I have learned alot about myself and her as well. I adore her enough that I would do anything for her, ironically, and the more she does for me the more I love her.

    I often wonder what it must be like for her, as you do with your husband. She must be thinking I'm a little off kilter, but she goes along with everything. And when I ask her why, she always says because she knows it makes me happy, but I think there is more to it. When we are in bed and I tie her up and spank her, she gets very excited, so I know she likes the feeling of being overpowered. But mentally she resists the idea when she articulates her own point of view, and I think it's just her mistaking submission for weakness. I'd like to be able to get her over that hurdle somehow...

  5. Congratulations on your first year. You seem to have handled a major life change very well. And it also sounds like your husband is into it too.

    May your journey continue and make both of you very happy.


  6. Congratulations on your first year.

    I was the one to propose dd in our marriage. I didn't get the flying leap line. Reading your post is actually the first time that I have even thought that she was just going along with it to please me. Perhaps that's a bit insensitive, at least during the time when she was - if she was - thinking about it that way.

    I now, like you, am persuaded that she is not just going along.

  7. I'm so glad that you have been able to come to a place where you trust that he wants this too. I do understand your fear though... I went through it with Asha... although kind of in the reverse. Our relationship started as a D/s relationship and I was so scared that when I told him I just wanted to go back to a "nilla" relationship that he was just going along with me on it to keep me from leaving him.

    It can really tear you up when you feel like in some way you're manipulating them into something they're not really happy with. But in the end it generally turns out we've worried for nothing. :)


    turiya (a.k.a. spirited)

  8. D's s,
    It has taken plenty of time to get here, and I believe really believe it can't be forced. I'm glad it is happening for you two.

    Mouse and Jz,

    Dom Tom,
    I don't think I have any idea about your question. I really believe it can't be forced, even if she tried to force herself. I think it really was nurtured, but not created by an outside influence; it has to come from within, at least in my case it did.

    Thank you so much.

    Thank you as well. I have read about all sorts of histories: how people came to be into this thing, adn hwo they came to be in it together. I do think, in many cases, loving someone is enough motivation to allow that first step, to say "I'll try." I wonder if I would have had the courage to do that, or if I would have said no out of hand. I'm very thankful my husband did have the courage.

    I like the name btw. I am highly skilled in worrying about nothing. Just ask my husband! I have plenty more to figure out, but this is a start.

  9. I know the feeling about the worrying thing. Asha always tells me if I didn't have anything to worry about, I'd worry about not having anything to worry about. LOL