Sunday, April 11, 2010

my state of mind

I've been down this road before, over this ground previously. But - I'm back here again.
The big decisions that we are in the process of making have me feeling like I am not just on a roller coaster - but on two opposing ones at the same time. I'm not doing a very adequate job of explaining my feelings about everything - not here, and not to my husband. As soon as my mind wanders towards feeling genuine excitement about my opportunities, something punches me in the gut and tells me I should be happy with what I have and not uproot everyone else on my behalf. The ups and downs have my emotions in a tailspin.

And as I spin, I have a really strong desire to have him take ahold of me and make it all stop. I have no idea how, but somehow, by force, make it stop. I can feel it in my skin, I want him to reach into my mind and shake me and stop the spinning. But in the same moment, my mind screams at me that it's not right for me to rely on him to get me under control, that I'm just making more work for him, that he has enough to worry about already.....

I do believe that he wants this responsibility and that he can handle it, but I obviously have not come to terms with it being ok for me to ask this of him. I'm not sure it's even possible for another person to have this kind of access or impact on me, maybe it's a moot point anyhow. And, since if feels so much like it's all about me, what on earth is in it for him.

12 comments:

  1. gg,

    First big hugs! Seriously big hugs! I think I know how you feel, and I think I've been there. I don't know if "neediness" is the right word but seemed to fit pretty well how I was feeling. I didn't understand why I needed him so much to stay balanced, why I relied on him. Did I rely on him for too much? Did I put a lot of pressure on him with my own neediness? And ya, I asked that same question what does he get out of it.

    The weird truth was, I wasn't relying on him enough, instead holding back bits and pieces of me. Eventually I learned or accepted and started to lean on him even more. The more I leaned the stronger he became.

    You'll discuss with him I'm sure. He'll do his best to assuage your fears--or not. Doubting is normal. It all takes time.

    Hugs,
    mouse

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  2. It is all about you gg. But there is nothing wrong with that. In the end, it is you who will have to choose. Your husband gives you this oppurtunity. Whatever you decide, it will be appreciated later.

    cassie

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  3. Mouse,
    That's it exactly, it is neediness and that's a trait i really dislike, most especially in myself. And i do hold back, i edit - a lot- what i tell him, i don't want to burden him. Also, I really don't want to have to let him know that I feel like somehow whatever he did or didn't do wasn't all good, that it confused me, or made things worse, or whatever. And yea - since I hadn't told him that part - i imagine we will be discussing this too.

    Cassie,
    That's the thing - I have a lot of trouble with things being about me.

    Sir J,
    Hmm...I never remember to look at it that way.

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  4. What Sir J said.

    and --when the world spins out of control for me - I try to keep one eye on something steady

    Your partner
    your kids
    whatever means stability

    it helps me be centered.

    good luck gg

    sfp

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  5. It's not all about you (singular) it's all about you (plural).

    You'll figure it out. Chin up!

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  6. Why not give a try of not editing and of not holding back. Put all your cards on the table and tell him what you feel even if it makes you feel vulnerable. Communication is always good and it might help the two of you get on the same page.

    FD

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  7. gg: I'm sure that you are in close consultation with your husband and even the children, since they are bound to want to feel that they had some input into the decision.

    Still it is a decision that you must make for yourself, as you know. So, let me offer this...

    Some years ago, my husband and I made a decision to move away. Our lives were all set and our plans made when I fell pregnant again at a time when I thought my family was complete. It would mean disrupting all my plans for my new life. My husband and I talked and he said he would support me, either way, but it was *my* decision.

    It was an extremely difficult time for me. No-one knew but us. A friend invited me to a lunch where no one else knew me and there they told the story of a woman, my age, who had fallen pregnant and was going ahead with the pregnancy and wasn't that great! I suddenly realized that I was not alone in my circumstances and if she could do it, I could do it. I came home happy as a lark and announced that I was keeping the baby. Although not always easy, it was definitely the right decision for me.

    Your moment of clarity will appear, too. Very best of luck!

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  8. I have nothing to add to what's already been said, but wanted to send you some *hugs*

    turiya

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  9. SFP,
    Or in my case, maybe even both eyes, that's good to remember, thanks.

    Jz,
    You're right, and I know, it's how i interpret doing what's right for both of us that trips me up.

    FD,
    I'm trying, ot say it's hard is an understatement, but I'm trying.


    Vesta,
    Yours was a much larger decision, ours is do-able either way. Thank you for the perspective and encouragement.

    Turiya,
    Thank you, I appreciate it.

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  10. GG, a big hug for you! We all need some support every now and then. Everyone has their tough moments and trials of life to fight through. It's how you handle them and emerge out the other side that will mold you into who you are and make you stronger. Hang in there!

    DV

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  11. DV,
    Thanks. We are lucky to have options - so I feel a bit bad to complain about the difficulty of making this decision. As for our finding our way through - that's more complex. We have decided to try this, and we certainly have a lot to learn, but we are still us. And that is our hope - that it will make us stronger.

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