Then as things really move forward the NEED realy starts to creep in. When that person needs you and has to have what you offer. Is there anything better? In the context of most of the things I write about (D/s), need is everything. It's what makes things operate like a well oiled machine. A sub that really needs her Dom, and all he can offer her. A Dom that needs his sub, and all she gives him in return. Without need, it's just vanilla. Feeling the need, understanding it, accepting it, and not being afraid of it is vital. A sub needs her Dom, the control he gives her, and it makes her feel safe and secure with where she is. Without it she is lost. this also goes for a Dom. If he didn't need his sub, then what's the point?!?!
DV writes about needing as the goal, the defining characteristic, the brass ring of the whole pursuit. He has no qualms about it, he seeks it, celebrates it, and rejoices in it. My husband is not quite so ebullient, but he is passionate about it in a quieter way. He tells me, in a way that is absolute, un-self conscious, and without hesitation, that he needs me. And what he needs of me is to depend on him, to need him.
Feeling the need, understanding it, accepting it, and not being afraid of it is vital.
When I first discovered submission, started submitting, started feeling dominated, the sense of needing was overwhelming. My physical need for him was constant and unrelenting. That we could deal with though. My undefined need for everything else, I didn't know how to deal with. I didn't understand what I was needing, or why, or what to do with it, so I certainly couldn't express it to him. And it felt wrong, and greedy, and it scared me profoundly.
Clearly I was missing on the "understanding it, accepting it, and not being afraid of it." I'm still not clear on exactly what I need. I am, however, accepting that I need. I am seeing that admitting it to myself is not at all the same as admitting failure. I am learning that, in big things and in small, letting go and acknowledging the need and working with it doesn't cause the sky to fall. In fact, things work more smoothly, and with more good feelings.
A sub needs her Dom, the control he gives her, and it makes her feel safe and secure with where she is.
So, control, correction, discipline, punishments - they are all related somehow. I do need to feel his control, to have him impose himself on me and into my life. I have no idea how this should work or what form it should take. What I do know is that I need to know what he wants of me, and I need to know that it matters to him whether I have succeeded in that or not.
Without it she is lost.
Well, not truly lost. I wouldn't flail around the universe helplessly without him. He is physically away quite often and the house still stands, the kids are fed, I make it to work on time. If something were to happen to him, I would carry on, raise our children well, live my life. In my case, I think it's not a matter of being lost without it, it's feeling like I'm truly where I belong with it.
this also goes for a Dom. If he didn't need his sub, then what's the point?!?!
It has taken me a lot of time to figure out that it isn't anything I do for him that he needs, or the words I say, or obedience, or anything else that I can offer. He needs me to let go of myself, open myself, and allow myself to really experience my need of him, to believe it, and to live it.