Then as things really move forward the NEED realy starts to creep in. When that person needs you and has to have what you offer. Is there anything better? In the context of most of the things I write about (D/s), need is everything. It's what makes things operate like a well oiled machine. A sub that really needs her Dom, and all he can offer her. A Dom that needs his sub, and all she gives him in return. Without need, it's just vanilla. Feeling the need, understanding it, accepting it, and not being afraid of it is vital. A sub needs her Dom, the control he gives her, and it makes her feel safe and secure with where she is. Without it she is lost. this also goes for a Dom. If he didn't need his sub, then what's the point?!?!
DV writes about needing as the goal, the defining characteristic, the brass ring of the whole pursuit. He has no qualms about it, he seeks it, celebrates it, and rejoices in it. My husband is not quite so ebullient, but he is passionate about it in a quieter way. He tells me, in a way that is absolute, un-self conscious, and without hesitation, that he needs me. And what he needs of me is to depend on him, to need him.
Feeling the need, understanding it, accepting it, and not being afraid of it is vital.
When I first discovered submission, started submitting, started feeling dominated, the sense of needing was overwhelming. My physical need for him was constant and unrelenting. That we could deal with though. My undefined need for everything else, I didn't know how to deal with. I didn't understand what I was needing, or why, or what to do with it, so I certainly couldn't express it to him. And it felt wrong, and greedy, and it scared me profoundly.
Clearly I was missing on the "understanding it, accepting it, and not being afraid of it." I'm still not clear on exactly what I need. I am, however, accepting that I need. I am seeing that admitting it to myself is not at all the same as admitting failure. I am learning that, in big things and in small, letting go and acknowledging the need and working with it doesn't cause the sky to fall. In fact, things work more smoothly, and with more good feelings.
A sub needs her Dom, the control he gives her, and it makes her feel safe and secure with where she is.
So, control, correction, discipline, punishments - they are all related somehow. I do need to feel his control, to have him impose himself on me and into my life. I have no idea how this should work or what form it should take. What I do know is that I need to know what he wants of me, and I need to know that it matters to him whether I have succeeded in that or not.
Without it she is lost.
Well, not truly lost. I wouldn't flail around the universe helplessly without him. He is physically away quite often and the house still stands, the kids are fed, I make it to work on time. If something were to happen to him, I would carry on, raise our children well, live my life. In my case, I think it's not a matter of being lost without it, it's feeling like I'm truly where I belong with it.
this also goes for a Dom. If he didn't need his sub, then what's the point?!?!
It has taken me a lot of time to figure out that it isn't anything I do for him that he needs, or the words I say, or obedience, or anything else that I can offer. He needs me to let go of myself, open myself, and allow myself to really experience my need of him, to believe it, and to live it.
Very goo post explaining the the D/s dynamic, especially your last paragraph. Sounds like you're on the right path.
ReplyDeleteFD
What is the sound of one penny, dropping?
ReplyDeleteThat sounds facetious but I really don't mean it that way. I know I went through a similar thought process while mourning the end of my last relationship, too. I don't think the need for people to risk making themselves vulnerable and opening up to their need of the other is necessarily exclusive to D/s.
I do think, however, that that mutual need and reliance is more accepted and thus expected in the D/s world. It almost forces us to do the stuff that's good for us...
*shrug*
Sorta how it seems to me, anyhow.
Jz writes, "It almost forces us to do the stuff that's good for us..."
ReplyDeleteThis is the great benefit, I think, of this style of relationship. It can be hard work opening up oneself and so few people really do this hard work.
I think you can be proud that you are exploring yourself in this way and giving of yourself to him in new ways. It takes real courage and perseverance and the beauty of it is those benefits flow right back to you, thus fulfilling two people's needs.
WOW! I feel like I have made the big time. I touched you enough with my post to really make you think deep and hard about it. And then you took my entire post and broke it down. I feel honored!Knowing I had that effect n someone is what this is all about. All it takes is one person to be touched, and it's worth it.
ReplyDeleteI love the way you did break it down and approached multiple angles of this topic. It was good for all of us to read this from a subs perspective. I love personally being able to try to see as many sides of something as possible.
Very good post, and thanks for the reference and rebuttal to my post and blog.
DV
FD,
ReplyDeleteThank you, seeing it is one thing, making it happen is another.
Jz,
I'm impressed you can spell that word - I never get it right. I think you are absolutely right - i wonder why we need some extra or other paradigm to see some of this stuff. But it really wouldn't have happened formerly.
Vesta,
I know he is also getting something out of this, but it often feels as if the benefits flow mostly my way.
DV,
Your post struck me, and addressed something I had been having trouble with. Thanks for letting me borrow.