I've been in a funk that i don't seem to be coming out of.  I'm not depressed or really even down, just blah.  I'm sure there is a lot of very mundane stuff contributing.  It's supposed to be spring, but its still cold and brown; family stuff; nasty sinus infection; the roof is leaking; my dog left me and my wife ran away - go ahead and sing along...

To a great extent, I think i'm simply in withdrawal.  The last two years have seen almost every part of our lives in upheaval - almost all in good ways, but upended nonetheless.  I finished something that consumed my time effort for a long time, I changed jobs, we moved far away, the kids changed schools and friends and activities, and - oh yea - my husband and i re-worked our marriage pretty thoroughly.  Now - we are here, things are rolling along, it's all working out pretty well, (the roof is being fixed), and we seem to have ended up at a place and a dynamic in our marriage that fits us better than i think either of us imagined it would.  Suddenly i don't have to work so hard - at any of it.

It's like paddling furiously through a long tricky spot, then finding yourself still paddling furiously in the lovely calm stretch.  When you realize where you are, you slow down and rest, but some part of your body feels like it ought to be still racing.  I think i just need to figure out how to switch gears (to really mix metaphors) on a lot of fronts. 

I've done calm stretches of regular life before, i have an idea how to manage that, more or less.  For ttwd, i don't know - there was so much to learn, so much change, and so much positive feedback from all of it, that i think the withdrawal is a little harsh.  There is also the anxiety that not focusing on it so intently means it will fade away, or isn't there at all.  It's easy for me to lose sight of the fact that the change and the work of making the changes happen aren't the object of the effort, but the dynamic itself is.  My guess is that i need to be able to shift even further to see that my husband and myself are the true focus, not the dynamic. 

In the mean time, i think i need to learn how to be where we are. 

what i really need

Everything else aside, I really need to know that he needs me, wants me, cherishes me. 

I don't know why sometimes I doubt this, but when it happens, it crumbles my foundation.  It leaves me crushed inside and lost in my world.

And I don't know why this one thing is so hard to tell him.   Or why it takes so long to find my footing again once I have.

I wish...

I am so grateful to my husband for being open minded, for taking chances, for trying a new way of relating, and for steadfastly doing it all his way.  I don't think he can really comprehend how much more right I feel about so many parts of life now, how much more deeply connected I feel to him.  I have, not a regret, but a wish, that the tables had been turned.  I wish I could offer him what he has given me.  I wish I could be for him the piece he didn't even know he was looking for, to fit into his life and be exactly what he needs. 

i don't like to share

This is a supremely non-kinky post.  It is a little winey, and a bit petty, and entirely real life. 

My husband had a very last minute opportunity to go out of town with his best friend, for something fun, for this weekend.  And i am glad he had this chance.  He doesn't get to do 'guy' things often, he doesn't get to spend time with his friend often - at least not without wives and all the kids hanging out too.  And he almost never gets to go do something fun, for himself. 

But I'm also bummed.  We don't get many quiet weekends at home, we don't get a lot of time for just the two of us, and we don't get a lot of time as a family without all the other activities and obligations.  I don't like to share him.

He asked me if i would be okay with him going.  He's not one of those (likely only fictional anyhow) Doms who really makes it all only about Him.  He never ignores my needs and feelings and he certainly puts the well being of his family first. 

And maybe there are people out there who's submission extends far enough or is perfect enough that they would feel only the happiness for him, glad he's able to take advantage of the opportunity - without the disappointment.  I'm not one of those people.    

I wanted him to go, but i am disappointed.  I think he had trouble understanding how i can be both at the same time.  If i said i want him to go - that is that.  If i were going to be disappointed about it, I should have said i didn't want him to go.  But i feel both, and i am rational enough to know that really - i want him to be enjoying himself. 

So now i need to suck it up, get over it, and make it a fun weekend for me and the boys.

pushing vs giving freely

There are so many ways of doing D/s or M/s relationships out there.  Some sound just lovely, and loving, and very appealing.  And i sometimes wonder if my husband wouldn't like for me to be more like this or that.  Wouldn't he love it if I did x, y or z?  Clearly every dynamic needs to be unique to the people in it - to be sustainable it needs to fit and meet the needs of each person in it: so many people - so many ways of making things work.

If i really think about it though, many things that appeal or seem so nice really don't fit us.  And at this point, i know that if my husband wanted us, or me, to be a certain way - he would make that happen (i'll come back to the idea of doing things for him in a bit).  Also - he really does know me, and he does seem to have a knack for doing things the way that work best for me, not that fit my likes and dislikes per se, or that i think i want - but what really does reach me, what is good for me. 

I will deny being a driven, accomplishment oriented person all day long - but that isn't entirely genuine.  I don't collect accomplishments, measure my worth by a list of achievements, or feel compelled to compete against other people, in any realm.  On the other hand, I am at my best when I am "on", when I am challenged, when I'm working towards something, when i feel i am contributing.  I become stagnant and withdrawn and fairly unpleasant, fairly quickly, if I am not engaged in things.

So i guess I would characterize what my husband does, our "style" as pushing. He has (has really always had) high expectations; he looks for me to excel at what i do take on and not to shy away from taking on new challenges.  He pushes me to give full effort, and to move beyond my comfort zone, and to grow.  He expects this in my professional life, in caring for our family, the house, in taking care of myself (the area in which i succeed the least, btw), even our vacations are not "easy."  

I love this.  I  love, of course, when he is proud of me, I do love the "good girl."  But i am and have always been self motivating, goal oriented.  I thrive on meeting the challenges and moving forward and learning new skills and doing.  This truly is the best way for him to keep me on an even keel and, well, a happy mom does make for a more peaceful home. 

It is also the best way to keep me connected to him: it makes me feel that i want to give more, it stimulates me and motivates me and leads me to feel all those warm, fuzzy, submissive feelings towards him.  I want to please him; he asks for and is pleased by my doing these very things that play into my best functioning anyhow. How perfect? 

So, as far as my submission - he certainly doesn't have to fight me for it, in fact I am sure he wouldn't.  I do need to know that he wants it though.  I can't submit to or in a vacuum.  I've tried that.  I have tried to be somehow or do something that he didn't ask for or didn't want - it leaves me with a horrid, empty, disgusted feeling.  I need him to push me enough to feel it.  He does that and it feeds me.

There is a balance to all this pushing though, a balance I've lost.  He shouldn't have to push for everything. 
I should sometimes try to anticipate what he will want or like.  I should take the initiative.  I  love the pushes to take it all to the next level (see above), but i certainly manage the kids, the house, my job, without his intervention. I take initiative, try new things, do things just because i know he will like them.  This isn't earth shattering - we've been doing this married/family/life thing a long time now.   

But in pleasing him specfically and intimately, I have forgotten completely to step up and take any initiative.  I have fallen so much into being open and following and being directed, that I've gotten downright lazy.  I do find myself more upset by the idea of failing or missing the mark than i ever used to be - but that's an excuse and he deserves for me to make an effort in this area.  Quite frankly, it's the one area in which he can't push me (it would be somewhat like pushing someone to throw you a surprise party), I need to push myself.

touching me, owning me

He's doing some things differently lately and i have no idea how I'm supposed to respond. 

He has previously asserted his "ownership" of my various body parts during times he wanted to use them, or even when he wanted me to maintain them some way or another.  But he hasn't been big on referring to the pieces connected to me as his, or even referring to me as a whole as his - if all that makes any sense.

Over the past few weeks he has been changing it up.  I thought i was comfortable with him touching me, i thought i had made peace with him wanting access anytime.  Most of the time i enjoy this, appreciate it; even if I'm not quite feeling it, I can go along. 

This is different, it is more than access, more than just use. 

Before i may get into bed at night I must submit to being touched (or pinched, or bitten, or whatever).  This may lead somewhere, or may simply be the price of admission.  He may want me to engage him and channel the ineveitable arousal of his attention to his benefit.  This I understand.  Or he may roll over and leave me just there, mostly confused. 

He has held my pussy - just cupped his hand right onto the whole thing and held it firmly.  No teasing or rubbing or even hurting - just holding it.  For a very long time.  Past the time it took for me to wonder wtf?  Past the time for me to start to squirm.  Past the time for me to begin to be aroused (at nothing - go figure).  Past the time for me to pipe up and ask what he wanted of me.  Past the time for me to really, really want him to let me go. 

Part of the point of this blog is for me to try to sort out my thoughts and feelings about things, to at least get them ordered enough to look at by getting them ordered enough to write down.  This thing leaves me with no good idea how i feel.  It is incredibly disconcerting in the moment: i have no idea what to do, how he wants me to be or act.  It seems like it should be something that makes me feel good, feel connected and submissive; it's touch, right?  I just don't know about this one.

he could have - but he didn't

We were spending time with some of our oldest friends, sitting around in the evening, after a great and very active day, just the adults.  Our friends were joking around with each other........

Him:  woman - get over here and give me a foot rub
Her: HA!    (And some other words)
(You would have to know them - this would be so far out of character for her that a footrub at this point might be physically dangerous for him)
Him:  I said now woman. 
Him: (To us) see she does whatever I tell her to
Him:  I'm waiting....... (imagine stern look and foot tapping)

Meanwhile - my heart is in my mouth as I try to guage from the look on my husband's face how he's going to play this. 
Will he just watch the show and keep himself/us out of it? Not bloody likely - as they say - where's the fun in not making me squirm? 
Will he start beating his chest and order me to his feet in front of everyone? 
How would I pull that off with this group and in this moment?
How could I directly and publicly refuse him like she had - with disdain, but nicely?

And I'm so grateful for the way he did play it -
Him (my Him this time): Stay right there on the sofa and don't you dare  get up till I tell you! 
Me: Yes Sir!

fragile

When my kids were much younger - they were always excited for new adventures, thrilled to travel, visit cousins, stay the night with friends and family, even if mom and dad weren't going to be with them.  When their favorite aunt would offer "who wants to have a sleepover at our house?" they clamored to be allowed to go.  They had no qualms or reservations, no separation anxiety, not even a look back over their shoulder.  On good days I told myself this meant they were happy, well-adjusted, self assured, adventurous kids.  If my mood were darker though, I was sure it meant they just didn't love me, didn't need me, hadn't bonded well, I had clearly failed somewhere.  Why would they be so anxious to leave my side? 

Same phenomenon, two totally different interpretations of it. 

Which is pretty normal I guess - everything we think we know or sense or experience is filtered through our brains and everything from the pretty colors to the muck that reside there.

Right now everything is coming through all wrong for me.  I'm very off kilter from my usual self.  Everything anyone says sounds like a criticism, every passsing look on anyone's face seems like anger directed at me.  It's not that i feel the world is against me, it's that i feel that i can't do anything right.  This is especially strong with my husband.  The harder I try to get things right, the more i feel i am failing and that he is unhappy or annoyed or upset at me.  It has me feeling like i'm living on eggshells and always spinning to try to get things right.  And I'm quite sure it's enormously frustrating to him  to be on the recieving end. 

this happens, not often, but I've had it happen before.  I supppose many people do in some form or another from time to time.  My response is different now though.  I think that previously, I would get very angry and defensive.  I would lash out and make sure anyone and everyone knew it wasn't my fault.  Now I find myself putting blame back on myself more than i think i would have previously.  I'm sure the anger and defensiveness wasn't useful, but turning things back on myself seems to keep things spiraling the wrong way.

This doesn't have to do directly with D/s, except that it does.  It's all about how my husband and I relate to each other.  It's about the fact that now i try to do more to please him, so i care more when i fail at that.  It's about the fact that i work to avoid being defensive and lashing out at him. It's about the fact that I look to him to help keep me from going off the rails; right now, even if he asked, I would have no idea what would work to pull me back. 

And, when I can think more clearly, i know it's also about my being competent, and confident and strong.  I think these are things he want me to be.  He wants me to handle life, and to excel at the things i do, and to be his equal partner (yea - his words - i'll have to wonder about that another day).  Fragile isn't his goal. 

small, tiny humiliation

I'm going away for a long weekend.  My husband is already away.  We will be staying with lots of other people so he didn't pack any toys.  But i got an email yesterday entitled "Things to pack." 

1. small pocket sized sunscreen. I think there is some in the bathroom closet
2. condoms
3. lube, if we have some in a 3.5 oz or less size. you'll need to put that in
a ziplock for security
4. red butt plug, assuming you can bring #3
guess what i've been thinking about ....

Uhhhmmm????  I wonder????

I was not able to convince him that a clear plastic baggie wouldn't hide the lube from all the folks in line around me and that the TSA guys might get a kick out of searching my bag publicly to figure out # 4. (His response "why do you care what the TSA guys think?") I think humiliation is very much relative to the humilatee.