He's doing some things differently lately and i have no idea how I'm supposed to respond.
He has previously asserted his "ownership" of my various body parts during times he wanted to use them, or even when he wanted me to maintain them some way or another. But he hasn't been big on referring to the pieces connected to me as his, or even referring to me as a whole as his - if all that makes any sense.
Over the past few weeks he has been changing it up. I thought i was comfortable with him touching me, i thought i had made peace with him wanting access anytime. Most of the time i enjoy this, appreciate it; even if I'm not quite feeling it, I can go along.
This is different, it is more than access, more than just use.
Before i may get into bed at night I must submit to being touched (or pinched, or bitten, or whatever). This may lead somewhere, or may simply be the price of admission. He may want me to engage him and channel the ineveitable arousal of his attention to his benefit. This I understand. Or he may roll over and leave me just there, mostly confused.
He has held my pussy - just cupped his hand right onto the whole thing and held it firmly. No teasing or rubbing or even hurting - just holding it. For a very long time. Past the time it took for me to wonder wtf? Past the time for me to start to squirm. Past the time for me to begin to be aroused (at nothing - go figure). Past the time for me to pipe up and ask what he wanted of me. Past the time for me to really, really want him to let me go.
Part of the point of this blog is for me to try to sort out my thoughts and feelings about things, to at least get them ordered enough to look at by getting them ordered enough to write down. This thing leaves me with no good idea how i feel. It is incredibly disconcerting in the moment: i have no idea what to do, how he wants me to be or act. It seems like it should be something that makes me feel good, feel connected and submissive; it's touch, right? I just don't know about this one.
Sounds like it could be just that, touching, owning, having, enjoying; not necessarily having anywhere to lead to. I have gotten the impression if he wanted it to go somewhere he would not be bashful about telling/instructing you.
ReplyDeleteOr maybe it is to see how you will react? plain and simple.
Perhaps he is trying to get past exactly all the things you listed. Past them to the point of acceptance. Acceptance, not justification, not arousal, not fear of not doing what he wants or needs and not the point where you just want it over. Just acceptance, words or not he owns you and this what it looks like.
ReplyDeleteMy word verification was "thesub", to funny.
what they said xx
ReplyDeleteTotally what they said...it's almost a primer to being a Top.
ReplyDeleteAsha does this a lot... I didn't get it either, but what everyone else has said makes a lot of sense. Have you talked to him about it? If not, maybe you should share what you're feeling and see what he has to say about it.
ReplyDelete*hugs*
turiya
Interesting. I think that what they said, for sure. Also, maybe it's just about what he wants, not about how you feel about it.
ReplyDeleteaisha
David,
ReplyDeleteHe did tell me that, after reading this, that it was just to see how i react (well - that, and just because he can and he likes to). For some reason with this i am stuck on trying to figure out what he's looking for from me, rather than just letting myself react. Mostly i end up giggling.
Sir J,
That is oddly comforting. And - that is one of the best words in some time.
mamacrow and mouse - thanks
turiya,
this kinda was my way of bringing it up - but the funny thing is - i just don't know how i feel - we will talk about it though.
aisha,
i think that's it exactly - because he can and because he wants to...