He's doing some things differently lately and i have no idea how I'm supposed to respond.
He has previously asserted his "ownership" of my various body parts during times he wanted to use them, or even when he wanted me to maintain them some way or another. But he hasn't been big on referring to the pieces connected to me as his, or even referring to me as a whole as his - if all that makes any sense.
Over the past few weeks he has been changing it up. I thought i was comfortable with him touching me, i thought i had made peace with him wanting access anytime. Most of the time i enjoy this, appreciate it; even if I'm not quite feeling it, I can go along.
This is different, it is more than access, more than just use.
Before i may get into bed at night I must submit to being touched (or pinched, or bitten, or whatever). This may lead somewhere, or may simply be the price of admission. He may want me to engage him and channel the ineveitable arousal of his attention to his benefit. This I understand. Or he may roll over and leave me just there, mostly confused.
He has held my pussy - just cupped his hand right onto the whole thing and held it firmly. No teasing or rubbing or even hurting - just holding it. For a very long time. Past the time it took for me to wonder wtf? Past the time for me to start to squirm. Past the time for me to begin to be aroused (at nothing - go figure). Past the time for me to pipe up and ask what he wanted of me. Past the time for me to really, really want him to let me go.
Part of the point of this blog is for me to try to sort out my thoughts and feelings about things, to at least get them ordered enough to look at by getting them ordered enough to write down. This thing leaves me with no good idea how i feel. It is incredibly disconcerting in the moment: i have no idea what to do, how he wants me to be or act. It seems like it should be something that makes me feel good, feel connected and submissive; it's touch, right? I just don't know about this one.