Monday, March 7, 2011

fragile

When my kids were much younger - they were always excited for new adventures, thrilled to travel, visit cousins, stay the night with friends and family, even if mom and dad weren't going to be with them.  When their favorite aunt would offer "who wants to have a sleepover at our house?" they clamored to be allowed to go.  They had no qualms or reservations, no separation anxiety, not even a look back over their shoulder.  On good days I told myself this meant they were happy, well-adjusted, self assured, adventurous kids.  If my mood were darker though, I was sure it meant they just didn't love me, didn't need me, hadn't bonded well, I had clearly failed somewhere.  Why would they be so anxious to leave my side? 

Same phenomenon, two totally different interpretations of it. 

Which is pretty normal I guess - everything we think we know or sense or experience is filtered through our brains and everything from the pretty colors to the muck that reside there.

Right now everything is coming through all wrong for me.  I'm very off kilter from my usual self.  Everything anyone says sounds like a criticism, every passsing look on anyone's face seems like anger directed at me.  It's not that i feel the world is against me, it's that i feel that i can't do anything right.  This is especially strong with my husband.  The harder I try to get things right, the more i feel i am failing and that he is unhappy or annoyed or upset at me.  It has me feeling like i'm living on eggshells and always spinning to try to get things right.  And I'm quite sure it's enormously frustrating to him  to be on the recieving end. 

this happens, not often, but I've had it happen before.  I supppose many people do in some form or another from time to time.  My response is different now though.  I think that previously, I would get very angry and defensive.  I would lash out and make sure anyone and everyone knew it wasn't my fault.  Now I find myself putting blame back on myself more than i think i would have previously.  I'm sure the anger and defensiveness wasn't useful, but turning things back on myself seems to keep things spiraling the wrong way.

This doesn't have to do directly with D/s, except that it does.  It's all about how my husband and I relate to each other.  It's about the fact that now i try to do more to please him, so i care more when i fail at that.  It's about the fact that i work to avoid being defensive and lashing out at him. It's about the fact that I look to him to help keep me from going off the rails; right now, even if he asked, I would have no idea what would work to pull me back. 

And, when I can think more clearly, i know it's also about my being competent, and confident and strong.  I think these are things he want me to be.  He wants me to handle life, and to excel at the things i do, and to be his equal partner (yea - his words - i'll have to wonder about that another day).  Fragile isn't his goal. 

6 comments:

  1. *sighs*
    hate these...

    Hope you find your feet back under you again soon.

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  2. No criticism or judgment here, ok? Just a hug...

    aisha

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  3. I hope you feel better soon.
    hugs.

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  4. thank you all - I'm getting there

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  5. I hate when I feel like this... it wasn't that long back for me either. Hope it passes quickly!

    *hugs*

    turiya

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