This is a supremely non-kinky post. It is a little winey, and a bit petty, and entirely real life.
My husband had a very last minute opportunity to go out of town with his best friend, for something fun, for this weekend. And i am glad he had this chance. He doesn't get to do 'guy' things often, he doesn't get to spend time with his friend often - at least not without wives and all the kids hanging out too. And he almost never gets to go do something fun, for himself.
But I'm also bummed. We don't get many quiet weekends at home, we don't get a lot of time for just the two of us, and we don't get a lot of time as a family without all the other activities and obligations. I don't like to share him.
He asked me if i would be okay with him going. He's not one of those (likely only fictional anyhow) Doms who really makes it all only about Him. He never ignores my needs and feelings and he certainly puts the well being of his family first.
And maybe there are people out there who's submission extends far enough or is perfect enough that they would feel only the happiness for him, glad he's able to take advantage of the opportunity - without the disappointment. I'm not one of those people.
I wanted him to go, but i am disappointed. I think he had trouble understanding how i can be both at the same time. If i said i want him to go - that is that. If i were going to be disappointed about it, I should have said i didn't want him to go. But i feel both, and i am rational enough to know that really - i want him to be enjoying himself.
So now i need to suck it up, get over it, and make it a fun weekend for me and the boys.
Hi greengirl,
ReplyDeleteI just started reading and can relate to your post.. Feeling both happiness for your husband and dissapointment over not getting to spend the weekend together makes perfect sense to me. Selflessness is one of the precious aspects of love and submission. It wouldn't be as meaningful if it always came easy or without mixed feelings.
Seems like you're choosing to make this a good weekend for all of you, even though he'll be away. Good for you..
k
I know that feeling well. It's difficult to be so conflicted huh. Would be easier to feel all one way or another I think.
ReplyDeleteI hope you end up having a great weekend with your boys.
i understand that inner conflict thing, too. i think it comes from the juggling act we perform every day, being both Mom/sub. At least, that's how it is for me! i bet you'll make it a great weekend for your kids, no problem; after all, that's what we do, right?
ReplyDeleteI think it's a chromosome thing, that when they make a decision, they discard all the conflicting emotions they may have had before the decision and only carry the one that took the day.
ReplyDeleteSo when those of us that can multi-process emotions do so, they just look at us like we grew a second head.
Makes me nuts.
Wanting to stamp my little foot, even.
"I DO want you to go. Being disappointed that you are not here is NOT the same thing as being disappointed that you went!"
(*thump, thump, thump!*)
Makes perfect sense to me - feeling both ways. I think he would feel better if you weren't conflicted at all about it, and that makes sense too.
ReplyDeleteHope you're having an excellent weekend - might as well, right?
aisha
k,
ReplyDeleteThanks and welcome. That's true - the easy stuff happens automatically, not even noticed usually. I think i will always have mixed emotions - i think i need to find a way to be more gracious outwardly about it all.
lil,
How do people do that - choose to feel one way and just put away the other feelings? I don't get it. Thanks.
Pepper,
Welcome. Yes - I'm still figuring out the mom/sub thing - and of course - that keeps changing as the boys push to be more and more independent, or even "in charge" in subtle and not so subtle ways. There are a lot of dualities in life i think, this is just one more.
Jz,
I have always marvelled at how they can do that - or wondered if it were real or just the facade. For better or worse, stamping my feet this time was not the way to go - even raising my foot to think about it was not helpful.
aisha,
It is amazing to me sometimes how our emotional processes can be so different - it is hard predict how you will impact someone sometimes when you can't imagine the way they feel so precisely. Thanks.