Wednesday, March 16, 2011

pushing vs giving freely

There are so many ways of doing D/s or M/s relationships out there.  Some sound just lovely, and loving, and very appealing.  And i sometimes wonder if my husband wouldn't like for me to be more like this or that.  Wouldn't he love it if I did x, y or z?  Clearly every dynamic needs to be unique to the people in it - to be sustainable it needs to fit and meet the needs of each person in it: so many people - so many ways of making things work.

If i really think about it though, many things that appeal or seem so nice really don't fit us.  And at this point, i know that if my husband wanted us, or me, to be a certain way - he would make that happen (i'll come back to the idea of doing things for him in a bit).  Also - he really does know me, and he does seem to have a knack for doing things the way that work best for me, not that fit my likes and dislikes per se, or that i think i want - but what really does reach me, what is good for me. 

I will deny being a driven, accomplishment oriented person all day long - but that isn't entirely genuine.  I don't collect accomplishments, measure my worth by a list of achievements, or feel compelled to compete against other people, in any realm.  On the other hand, I am at my best when I am "on", when I am challenged, when I'm working towards something, when i feel i am contributing.  I become stagnant and withdrawn and fairly unpleasant, fairly quickly, if I am not engaged in things.

So i guess I would characterize what my husband does, our "style" as pushing. He has (has really always had) high expectations; he looks for me to excel at what i do take on and not to shy away from taking on new challenges.  He pushes me to give full effort, and to move beyond my comfort zone, and to grow.  He expects this in my professional life, in caring for our family, the house, in taking care of myself (the area in which i succeed the least, btw), even our vacations are not "easy."  

I love this.  I  love, of course, when he is proud of me, I do love the "good girl."  But i am and have always been self motivating, goal oriented.  I thrive on meeting the challenges and moving forward and learning new skills and doing.  This truly is the best way for him to keep me on an even keel and, well, a happy mom does make for a more peaceful home. 

It is also the best way to keep me connected to him: it makes me feel that i want to give more, it stimulates me and motivates me and leads me to feel all those warm, fuzzy, submissive feelings towards him.  I want to please him; he asks for and is pleased by my doing these very things that play into my best functioning anyhow. How perfect? 

So, as far as my submission - he certainly doesn't have to fight me for it, in fact I am sure he wouldn't.  I do need to know that he wants it though.  I can't submit to or in a vacuum.  I've tried that.  I have tried to be somehow or do something that he didn't ask for or didn't want - it leaves me with a horrid, empty, disgusted feeling.  I need him to push me enough to feel it.  He does that and it feeds me.

There is a balance to all this pushing though, a balance I've lost.  He shouldn't have to push for everything. 
I should sometimes try to anticipate what he will want or like.  I should take the initiative.  I  love the pushes to take it all to the next level (see above), but i certainly manage the kids, the house, my job, without his intervention. I take initiative, try new things, do things just because i know he will like them.  This isn't earth shattering - we've been doing this married/family/life thing a long time now.   

But in pleasing him specfically and intimately, I have forgotten completely to step up and take any initiative.  I have fallen so much into being open and following and being directed, that I've gotten downright lazy.  I do find myself more upset by the idea of failing or missing the mark than i ever used to be - but that's an excuse and he deserves for me to make an effort in this area.  Quite frankly, it's the one area in which he can't push me (it would be somewhat like pushing someone to throw you a surprise party), I need to push myself.


  1. Interesting - are you talking about "being open and receptive to whatver he wants" (my term) becoming not enough - feeling the need to give more actively? Take more initiative?

    If so, I know what you mean, and agree. Passive acquesience wouldn't be enough in my relationship either, I don't think.

    Good stuff to ponder. Thanks.


  2. "I can't submit to or in a vacuum. I've tried that. I have tried to be somehow or do something that he didn't ask for or didn't want - it leaves me with a horrid, empty, disgusted feeling."

    So I got to that part and had to comment right away because I've felt that too! Never have I heard it talked about or put so perfectly. It means nothing if Andrew doesn't initiate it, or want it. Once I know it pleases him, whatever "it" is, then I will do my best to do it whenever possible, but if he could care less then it's completely meaningless.

    Okay, I'll go read the rest now (I did skim it, but I was so excited to those 3 sentences I couldn't help myself.)

  3. gg,

    Taking an initiative to further your submission is something Omega has always encouraged. It's something worth discussing!


  4. Lots to think about here. I wish W would push harder, but i can see the pitfall in relying on that too heavily. Thanks for the though provoking post, gg.


  5. Great post greengirl! Lots to think about and ponder with this one.


  6. Ok...I'll give you some thoughts from the other side of the fence. This can be a tricky situation for many. There is being submissive, being pushed, and following as directed. Then there is taking some initiative and doing what he likes, or you think he would like, without having to be told or pushed. The caveat here is that, to some, this can in a way seem to come across as topping from the bottom.

    My answer is, to the some that think that, that is your opinion. As GG pointed out, there ar4e so many ways to go about this, and it ultimately comes down to what works best for the couple involved. They can do this however they choose. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

    For me, even though I'm a Dom, I do like initiative. I like her taking initiative and doing things she thinks I will like, or knows already that I do. And many times, it has nothing to do with what it is she does. It's the time and effort for actually trying. Trying to make things better for me...for us. That is a great quality that any man should appreciate, no matter what dynamic you participate in.


  7. It is a fine balance to keep from topping from the bottom, as DV says.

    I haven't found that I have any chance of being passive as Sir talks with me so much about whatever we do/did/might do. I can see the pitfalls ; thank you for the thoughtful post.

  8. aisha,
    Giving more actively definitely. It's nto so much that this is the way our relationship is progressing, it's more that i have just forgotten to take any initiative recently.

    thanks - i find this to be a difficult thing to think about - it bothers me that sometimes such silly little thigns can have such a big impact on how i feel.

    we have and will some more i'm sure - i think my mind was taking a bit of a break for some reason.

    i actually struggle too with wishing sometimes he would push harder, i am starting to get beyond that a little - finally. the balance is improving.

    thanks - now i jsut need to figure out how to implement my revelations.

    I think that in our case, he doesn't see things as me trying to top - at least not in a broader sense. I may do sometihing in the moment that he feels steps on the line - in which case he shuts me down - but i don't think he seees it as a broader assault. I know he wants me to be active in all this and not passive, the downside is how easily crushed i am when i miss the mark - more balance needed there is all.

    thank you - i think that more talking with him about it is what i need to do.

  9. I like to think of taking a little initiative as being actively submissive as opposed to passively submissive. My Master also knows me well and his style or manner of owning and controlling me is way different than a lot of traditional d/s relationships. But I also think that you know what pleases your Master and what fulfills your serving needs as well. And as time goes on, all things evolve and change. Finding what satisfies may change a bit, as well. Great blog! Thought-provoking.

  10. His Girl,
    I think this is what hit me about it - i had become passive and there was no reason to - i just sorta fell into it. thanks.