There are so many ways of doing D/s or M/s relationships out there. Some sound just lovely, and loving, and very appealing. And i sometimes wonder if my husband wouldn't like for me to be more like this or that. Wouldn't he love it if I did x, y or z? Clearly every dynamic needs to be unique to the people in it - to be sustainable it needs to fit and meet the needs of each person in it: so many people - so many ways of making things work.
If i really think about it though, many things that appeal or seem so nice really don't fit us. And at this point, i know that if my husband wanted us, or me, to be a certain way - he would make that happen (i'll come back to the idea of doing things for him in a bit). Also - he really does know me, and he does seem to have a knack for doing things the way that work best for me, not that fit my likes and dislikes per se, or that i think i want - but what really does reach me, what is good for me.
I will deny being a driven, accomplishment oriented person all day long - but that isn't entirely genuine. I don't collect accomplishments, measure my worth by a list of achievements, or feel compelled to compete against other people, in any realm. On the other hand, I am at my best when I am "on", when I am challenged, when I'm working towards something, when i feel i am contributing. I become stagnant and withdrawn and fairly unpleasant, fairly quickly, if I am not engaged in things.
So i guess I would characterize what my husband does, our "style" as pushing. He has (has really always had) high expectations; he looks for me to excel at what i do take on and not to shy away from taking on new challenges. He pushes me to give full effort, and to move beyond my comfort zone, and to grow. He expects this in my professional life, in caring for our family, the house, in taking care of myself (the area in which i succeed the least, btw), even our vacations are not "easy."
I love this. I love, of course, when he is proud of me, I do love the "good girl." But i am and have always been self motivating, goal oriented. I thrive on meeting the challenges and moving forward and learning new skills and doing. This truly is the best way for him to keep me on an even keel and, well, a happy mom does make for a more peaceful home.
It is also the best way to keep me connected to him: it makes me feel that i want to give more, it stimulates me and motivates me and leads me to feel all those warm, fuzzy, submissive feelings towards him. I want to please him; he asks for and is pleased by my doing these very things that play into my best functioning anyhow. How perfect?
So, as far as my submission - he certainly doesn't have to fight me for it, in fact I am sure he wouldn't. I do need to know that he wants it though. I can't submit to or in a vacuum. I've tried that. I have tried to be somehow or do something that he didn't ask for or didn't want - it leaves me with a horrid, empty, disgusted feeling. I need him to push me enough to feel it. He does that and it feeds me.
There is a balance to all this pushing though, a balance I've lost. He shouldn't have to push for everything.
I should sometimes try to anticipate what he will want or like. I should take the initiative. I love the pushes to take it all to the next level (see above), but i certainly manage the kids, the house, my job, without his intervention. I take initiative, try new things, do things just because i know he will like them. This isn't earth shattering - we've been doing this married/family/life thing a long time now.
But in pleasing him specfically and intimately, I have forgotten completely to step up and take any initiative. I have fallen so much into being open and following and being directed, that I've gotten downright lazy. I do find myself more upset by the idea of failing or missing the mark than i ever used to be - but that's an excuse and he deserves for me to make an effort in this area. Quite frankly, it's the one area in which he can't push me (it would be somewhat like pushing someone to throw you a surprise party), I need to push myself.